Oh, I think you'd get a LOT of "beg-to-differ" opinions on that one if you posted it to FWASs, Wonka, lol.
Therein lies the problem. They are not MLCers nor have walked the MLC path.
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Some potent mix of marital neglect, resentment, entitlement, possibly some abuse, and a little old fashioned ATTENTION from the opposite sex, and --WHAM-O!! Conflagration.
This is the general gist of how affairs emerge. Read on.
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As I've posted on here before, I think that's part of the issue I have with the whole classification of affairs into "MCL affairs" and "regular" affairs. MLCers like to report how crazy their wayward spouse is acting (and they are), how LITTLE SENSE they are making (and they're not), and how IRRATIONAL and even RECKLESS they are being (and they are) . . . as opposed to . . . what? Explanable affairs? Justifiable ones? Rational ones?
You are coming from the point of view with the lens as a LBS with a W who had an affair. Mrs. Puppy did not have the universal vacant, dead-eyes appearance of an MLCer. Hence the distinction between a straightforward affair and MLC affair. To me, a person with a straightforward affair has built up a ton of resentment and some anger with the myth perpetuated by the entertainment industry which shows marraige as the "happily ever after." Then they get hit with snot-wiping, butt-wiping, laundry, dirty dishes, kids, bills and a spouse who has, oh my goodness, flaws! These "simple" straightforward affairs are a means of escape.
Whereas the MLCer has encountered deep, profound trauma in their lives that prompted the alien to invade and capture their personality to a degree that the LBSes do not recognize them at all. Even some family members may notice the change...as evident by the wonderful (and very recent) posting by Vulcanized about her BIL.
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what SANE person decides to KILL another human being???
Precisely. The MLCer is not a sane person.
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Just Google "love lust infatuation brain PEA addiction" (or some combination thereof) sometime, and do some reading on PEAs and how incredibly and powerfully ADDICTIVE their high is.
This is what would be considered a "straightforward affair." Try Googling MLC. You'd be surprised.
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She doesn't say "MLC AFFAIR or NON-MLC affair" though... She says experiment with another woman. What can I say -- I strongly disagree with that. I think it's harmful to the betrayed spouse's self-esteem, and downright emasculating to most men. I've seen very, VERY few who can pull that off for any length of time, without real harm to their own emotional (and even physical) health.
MWD is a MT/FT who specializes in affairs. I'd bet my house that her speciality isn't MLC. The book was written based on her observations over the years as a couples therapist where there is infidelity involved. However, there is a resource out there for MCLers. When I orginally came here for my XW's affair, I was in the Newcomer's section. Eventually, I looked over in the MLC threads and BAM! they were talking about stuff that I went through myself. There is a MLC board much like this in the alt universe. Jim and Sue Convey (if my recollection is correct) co-authored a book on MLC since Jim was a reformed MLCer and they wanted to share their experiences with others.
In short: MLC is in a whole category by itself. Which is a problem for many DBers like yourself and Allen who operate from the lens of LBS with a straightforward affair. I see both of you gangbusting sometimes by urging DBers to take "this tack/approach" because it worked in your sitches. And then you get puzzled why DBers in the MLC forum elect not to take your advice (which I think is the smart thing to do).
Fellow DBers,
Not all methods fit all sitches. It is not one size fits all. Treat each situation as an individualistic component within the context of your M. No two sitches are alike. So treat each with respect and compassion.
