WAW left on Independence Day and not communicating

[hurtinhartford]

MrBond,

When it comes to my job if I have the data I can make clear and informed decison...I do it daily, but the limbo that I am in with my M has me totally befuddled. I am a fixer by nature as I think most men are. I am doing GAL and 180's, IC and LRT so as not to pursue my W.

I think most if not all start GAL so their spouse will recognize the change, but hopefully transition to doing GAL for themsleves, which coorelates with detachment. I am lucky because my W has given me a gift of time so that gives me a chance to develop a game plan so that I act logically and not emotionally.

[TimeHeals]

I am a fixer by nature

Codependent: if you fix her, then she'll love you?

Seriously, let her go. It's OK to say happy birthday. It's not OK to try to "fix somebody".

That is your focus. Find a new focus. How are you doing for dryer sheets? Stocked up?

I am lucky because my W has given me a gift of time so that gives me a chance to develop a game plan so that I act logically and not emotionally.

You act according to your principles. Emotions are things you feel (happiness, sadness, anger, confusion, excited, and so on), so you just feel those.

You ever felt your towels after they come out of the dryer and you used some really good dryer sheets?

[hurtinhartford]

Coach,

So you are saying that I can analyze this thing to death, which I have and freeze with indecisiveness; or send the d@#! b-day email and possibly increase the heat a few therms.

[hurtinhartford]

TH,

Not fix her...just find a means w/o cooresive manipulation (She has to want to) to open up communication.

[TimeHeals]

just find a means w/o cooresive manipulation (She has to want to)

So make her want to?

You can't do that. Just have fun, be a nice person, live well, treat others with basic respect. You know the drill.

[MrBond]

When it comes to my job if I have the data I can make clear and informed decison...I do it daily, but the limbo that I am in with my M has me totally befuddled.

Yep that's why you're struggling with this. Data is true and exact. Your W is not a machine YOU can fix. The machine has to fix itself. You can't control the machine's actions and it's driving you nuts. That's where detachment comes in.

You have kids from your other marriage. I don't know how involved you were in raising them, but it's the same thing. You let them go enough to let them grow on their own. You know and feel you love them, but you don't go off and push that love onto them every minute. You care enough to let them go and grow on their own. That's how your W is right now.

[hurtinhartford]

TH,

That is what I have been doing. The "old" me would have been angry and told my W to pound sand about a month into this, but I haven't and will not.

[hurtinhartford]

Agree!

I need to read about detachment more because I have detached physically (no emails, text, calls, letters, etc.) emotionally I admit I am not there yet. So I am psuedo detached...I know I am not, but my W thinks I am especially if I do not send a b-day card.

[TimeHeals]

but my W thinks I am especially if I do not send a b-day card.

Mind read much? How do you know what she will think? What if she thought you were brooding at home because of all of this? Does it matter?

You see, you do what you do because it is the right thing. Not because of some emotional thing that is going to change 5 minutes from now, and obsessively going over and over and over things is just driving yourself nuts and keeping you from letting go.

I think I am an enabler.

[hurtinhartford]

TH,

No I don't mind read, but it is one of the many thoughts that popped into my head...so did the thought that she did cart wheels when she recieved my email and then framed it! I just read sileil post on Gyn and she stated, "who knows what goes on in the head of a WAS." or something to that effect.

Does it matter...I don't know....now you are mind reading. If we analyze all of our sitch's I am sure that it was a lot of small things that over a course of got us all here.