Where does the WAW go

[Doodi]

You didn't say you were staying either. Nature abhors a vacuum, and in an absence of info, he assumed the worst case

Up until about 3 weeks ago, I told him I wasn't going anywhere. That I wasn't planning anything, that I just needed to work out these thoughts in my head. He found out how negative they were when he hacked an account and since has pushed and pushed for some definite answer. That's when I told him, "if I have to make a decision today, I would go. I'm not ready to make that decision but I understand your need to have an answer. Our M is not healthy and something needs to change. All I can change is me, if you think you need to change then work on it."

If that is still confusing, then I'm guilty and you guys need to keep the 2x4's coming.

[Doodi]

I am reading this with interest, it's a lot of what my H is doing. He doesn't say he wants to divorce, at times he says he loves me, wants us to be together and wants to work on things and at other times he gets into "moods" and says things like we shouldn't have gotten married or that this marriage won't last long. It confuses the hell out of me and is very aggravating.

I hope my sitch helps you in someway, then I would know something good came from this chaos.

On on another note, I told my H that I wouldn't say ILY until I meant it the way he needed me to mean it. I've tried to be open about everything and normally my moods are brought on my some deep conversation that he initiated...so he tends to know why. I've never said we shouldn't have gotten married, what I've said is I was a stronger person I would have brought this up alot sooner.

But I'll keep posting my random, confused thoughts and if you think I can help...ASK. I'll give you my honest answer. But be warned, I'm no Vet just odd man out since I'm the WAS.

Doodi

[ris]

I hope my sitch helps you in someway, then I would know something good came from this chaos.

On on another note, I told my H that I wouldn't say ILY until I meant it the way he needed me to mean it. I've tried to be open about everything and normally my moods are brought on my some deep conversation that he initiated...so he tends to know why. I've never said we shouldn't have gotten married, what I've said is I was a stronger person I would have brought this up alot sooner.

But I'll keep posting my random, confused thoughts and if you think I can help...ASK. I'll give you my honest answer. But be warned, I'm no Vet just odd man out since I'm the WAS.

Doodi

My H always made a point of only saying ILY when he meant it and I know that when he says it, he really means it. There are times when we have meaningful talks, everything goes great and I feel like we're working through things and progressing. And then it crashes. We get into a phase where every conversation ends with him saying things like the above, doesn't want to work on things, thinks it will never change, says that he doesn't trust me and our marriage is a mistake. I don't know if he really means it but I think that these are the things he feels at that moment. He says them in a hurtful uncaring way, sometimes gets rude. We restart conversations but they end up like this after a short time. I pull away more and more. Eventually there's a breakthrough, we stop fighting and it's better and better again until it crashes.

This confuses me, it's mixed signals all over the place. If you have some insight into this, and how to break the cycle, it would be great!

[Doodi]

Honey, I really wish I could help you break your cycle but it's the exact same thing for me. I feel like I was in this exact spot saying the same words last Monday. I will say that this never-ending cycle is what makes me think we need to be apart to work on ourselves.

I'm so low right now that I just burst out in tears because he said he believes we can work through this. My heart is literally dying in my chest and I can't figure out what to do about it.

I will say that the thing with ME is that it seems like every time I start to let my guard down and open myself up to him, I get side swiped. I wish I could say it was over something big and catastrophic but with us it just tends to be really insignificant stuff. Arguments for us can stem from something as simple as how the word "feelings" is interpreted by different people.

I am a very emotional damaged person and I do not deny that. I wish I could just get someone to understand how scarred I am. I almost don't feel like the WAW because I'm not having an affair, I haven't runaway, the emotional damage was actually done and it's not being rewritten to suite me. I'm just the one who said I hurt to much to keep going like this. I just can't shake the feeling that I've been trapped in a box my whole life and I've finally pushed the lid open and I'm trying to crawl out. But if I lose focus and get distracted by the sweet sentiments that I'm going to be shoved back in that deep dark hole. I just can't let that happen again.

Ok I need to stop. I'm on a downward spiral again. I'm telling you, it's obvious in my post when the depression kicks in. Well it's back and I'll probably be useless for a couple of days.

Struggling,
Doodi

[pinhead]

Focus right now on something good. Whether it's in your life or not. Focus on it, think about it. Feel it.

Sometimes you need to think about the hard stuff. Other times you need to stop and take a breath, smell the air, realize that God only gives us a few billion seconds on earth.

[Doodi]

Focus right now on something good. Whether it's in your life or not. Focus on it, think about it. Feel it.

Sometimes you need to think about the hard stuff. Other times you need to stop and take a breath, smell the air, realize that God only gives us a few billion seconds on earth.

I get that and believe it or not I try to find a happy place in my life whenever things become overwhelming. Right now though when I turn to that happy place (reading, writing, TV, music...everything simple in my home) I'm accused of NOT trying.

How do you prove to someone you are TRYING to fix mental issues? They are not visible, I can't show him homework...how do I get him to believe me

[soleil]

You tell them by letting them know what steps you are taking in order to work on them (therapy, journalling, reading, etc) all while remaining calm and non-defensive.

[ris]

((((Doodi)))) I'm sorry, it sounds like a really dark place.

What you say seems A LOT like what my H goes through. He has depression tendencies and low esteem issues. If you wouldn't mind explaining what you mean that you get side swiped?

With us, it's like we both start opening up and suddenly it goes into an overload and gets "too good" and everything goes plummeting down. He just turns upside down. Some times I feel like no matter what I say, we'll still end up in a fight.

I know I'm useless at cheering people up, but I hope you bounce back from the depression soon. You're doing so well at working on yourself and trying to straighten your issues out and your help to others here is invaluable. Hugs again!

[pinhead]

Tough question. I'm always overanalyzing my wife's actions, trying to determine if she's "trying."

I can't read her mind, just her actions. When she's involved with me, when she's asking about me and my day, I feel she's involved and trying. When she's talking about someone else who's just a peripheral person in both our lives, I know she's trying to fill a quiet moment with idle chatter. I don't see her talking about our sitch to anyone important to her, no journaling, no reading books on improving relationships, just living with me while going to MC.

I think the problem is that your H gave you an ultimatum. And you let him box you in.

When my anxiety and fear hits a fever pitch (as it does to your H) I quiet myself by saying that she hasn't left, that she's going to MC, that she hasn't seen a L, and isn't even talking about leaving.

Now that may be pretending. Or ignoring harsh reality. But she's told me she wants to work on our M. That's she's patient, and that I need to be patient.

I think that one of you needs to make the tough choice to stay or leave. Staying doesn't mean being welded together; it means that while you're staying in the house, you're working on yourself and the marriage. If you can't do that, take the hard step to move out so you can find the space and strength to do as much healing and self-revelation as you can.

[Doodi]

You tell them by letting them know what steps you are taking in order to work on them (therapy, journalling, reading, etc) all while remaining calm and non-defensive.

I have told him everything...well I didn't let him read the journal. But he knows I journal, I have gone back to my shrink, I do MC, and I'm reading.

It's just the story of my life...I'm not good enough.