How To Tell The Kids

[TimeHeals]

I will promise you that as long as you look back with resentment or sadness at loss, your life will continue to suck.

So... what did you have for lunch? Was it good? I had a Chicken Club Toaster sandwich from Sonic and a Diet Coke, and that was absolute bliss.

[DanF]

Thanks FMV.

I MAY try to read through your sitch. I won't have my kids for the next week, so I will have some time on my hands.

In many ways your sitch is similar to mine, except for the sex part. I believe my W felt alone too because I was preoccupied with other things. Will she feel less alone on her own? Will that really be better?

She also complained that she was overwhelmed, but I needed specifics rather than generalities. When I asked her why she didn't ask me for help, her answer was that she shouldn't have to.

She felt that she was never good enough for me to pay attention to, but was always good enough for me to have sex with. Many times it was more sex than lovemaking and that didn't sit well with her.

Right now I just feel like I have to accept it is over and move on, but it is so hard.

Talk to you later.

[DanF]

I will promise you that as long as you look back with resentment or sadness at loss, your life will continue to suck.

So... what did you have for lunch? Was it good? I had a Chicken Club Toaster sandwich from Sonic and a Diet Coke, and that was absolute bliss.

Thanks TH and IDU. I guess I just feel like wallowing for a little while. Sometimes it is cleansing to go down into the hole, as long as you can get back out.

I ate lunch at work today and it sucked too! At least there is a football game on tonight!! Maybe I can watch Favre get pounded by the Saints!

[idontunderstand]

At least there is a football game on tonight!! Maybe I can watch Favre get pounded by the Saints!

YES!!!!!!!!!!!

[FindingMyVoice]

I believe my W felt alone too because I was preoccupied with other things. Will she feel less alone on her own?

You know, I don't know if that feeling of loneliness comes solely from how much actual time people spend together. I think just as much of it comes from feeling disconnected mentally and emotionally. You know? Have you ever read 'Hold me Tight' by Dr Sue Johnson? That's a great book. It really helped me, and my H too (at least the chapters he read of it!!)

When I asked her why she didn't ask me for help, her answer was that she shouldn't have to.

Yah, I'd disagree with her here too. And I'd felt this way about my H too at one time. But, here's another way to look at this, in case it helps? IMHO, I actually think there's actually fear underneath people saying "I shouldn't have to ask him/her for help, (or whatever it is that they want). I think it's scary to ask for what we want in a relationship. It opens you up to rejection. So I think people say that (that they 'shouldn't have to ask') just so they can avoid facing having to do something scary for which they may be rejected.

Right now I just feel like I have to accept it is over and move on, but it is so hard.

I really feel for you Dan, I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time.

PS enjoy your football game tonight. Glad to see you're still doing things you enjoy doing - that's real important. Take care, FMV.

[pinhead]

I believe my W felt alone too because I was preoccupied with other things. Will she feel less alone on her own?

You know, I don't know if that feeling of loneliness comes solely from how much actual time people spend together. I think just as much of it comes from feeling disconnected mentally and emotionally. You know? Have you ever read 'Hold me Tight' by Dr Sue Johnson? That's a great book. It really helped me, and my H too (at least the chapters he read of it!!)

When I asked her why she didn't ask me for help, her answer was that she shouldn't have to.

Yah, I'd disagree with her here too. And I'd felt this way about my H too at one time. But, here's another way to look at this, in case it helps? IMHO, I actually think there's actually fear underneath people saying "I shouldn't have to ask him/her for help, (or whatever it is that they want). I think it's scary to ask for what we want in a relationship. It opens you up to rejection. So I think people say that (that they 'shouldn't have to ask') just so they can avoid facing having to do something scary for which they may be rejected.

Right now I just feel like I have to accept it is over and move on, but it is so hard.

I really feel for you Dan, I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time.

PS enjoy your football game tonight. Glad to see you're still doing things you enjoy doing - that's real important. Take care, FMV.

My counselor said the same gist to my W when she said she shouldn't have had to ask me for things.

[FindingMyVoice]

My counselor said the same gist to my W when she said she shouldn't have had to ask me for things.

Wow really?!

Can I share one more thing in case it helps? Another reason I'd be scared to ask my H to help or support me in ways I needed, was because he simply had never had done it that way before. So I thought - well that must mean if I asked him for that, I was essentially asking him to be someone he wasn't. I figured it would be disrespecting him to do so - that I'd be asking him to be someone he's not.

So it went unasked; and therefore unanswered (until my IC clued me in of course).

[DanF]

I believe my W felt alone too because I was preoccupied with other things. Will she feel less alone on her own?

You know, I don't know if that feeling of loneliness comes solely from how much actual time people spend together. I think just as much of it comes from feeling disconnected mentally and emotionally. You know? Have you ever read 'Hold me Tight' by Dr Sue Johnson? That's a great book. It really helped me, and my H too (at least the chapters he read of it!!)

I understand. We were in the house together, but not really together even when we were. We sat on opposite ends of the couch and watched TV or I was on the computer when she was watching shows I didn't like. We didn't talk that much, but I think lots of men are that way unless prompted.

I haven't read that book, but I may check it out. I do have lots of recommended reading to choose from now.

I did read Mars/Venus and I found that to be enlightening. I also read getting the love you want, couple skills and the 5 love languages. I thought they were all pretty good and encouraged W to read them too. She read bits and pieces, but they just "annoyed" her and they didn't apply to her anyway. She refuses to look deeper into her own issues and prefers to blame this all on my actions or lack thereof.

I agree with you on asking for help. She does recognize her issues here, but has done nothing to make any improvements. I suggested working relationship and communication exercises, but she said she didn't need to do that.

I do continue to do things that I enjoy. I have to or I would go insane. I guess I am just having one of those days.

Thanks for your support FMV.

[ris]

My H also doesn't seem to see the need of telling each other of our needs. He often tries to mind read me and sometimes actually doesn't believe me when I correct him. I think he believes that I also should read his mind!

[FindingMyVoice]

We were in the house together, but not really together even when we were. We sat on opposite ends of the couch and watched TV or I was on the computer when she was watching shows I didn't like.

Yah, we were just like that. At the risk of reading too much into your feelings, it sounds like you were a little lonely too?

We didn't talk that much, but I think lots of men are that way unless prompted.

Yes, I agree they are. Well, I don't know how old you are but I think that's what a lot of us grew up seeing in our own families right? But I do think that it's important that men become more comfortable talking if they possibly can. Terrence Real's books has some good info on that - some stats on how the capacity to talk openly can positively affect even things like how long we live!

She read bits and pieces, but they just "annoyed" her and they didn't apply to her anyway. She refuses to look deeper into her own issues and prefers to blame this all on my actions or lack thereof.

I am sorry to hear this Dan. Give her time though, hey? She likely needs to get uncomfortable enough with even her new sitch (which, if she hasn't done this work yet, I can almost guarantee she will), to realize how important it is that she does this.

I do continue to do things that I enjoy. I have to or I would go insane. I guess I am just having one of those days.

Well, you're entitled to those days too right? They're gonna happen. Seems like you can't get to the good days without a having few of the crappy ones thrown in there. Take good care of yourself this weekend. PS - You too Ris!!