WAW left on Independence Day and not communicating

[MrBond]

"I agree that I was controlling while we were together, but not now."

You don't believe you are controlling based on your current understanding of what that means. It's not how your W sees it. The A (she feels) controlled her for years. Just because you aren't there doesn't mean the effects have gone away. Think about post traumatic stress disorder. It's the same thing. Just because you're out of the war doesn't mean that the effects have disappeared.

On your part, all of this overanalysis of whether or not you should even send her a birthday greeting is also controlling. You say you want to send her a greeting because you love her. Wrong answer. You do it as a friend would. You acknowledge it because it is important TO HER not because YOU LOVE her. A very small difference, but a difference nonetheless.

Treat her as you would an old friend - with compassion and not over-the-top gestures of love. This isn't about your feelings any more. It's about hers.

"Most of you are lucky...maybe not in that your spouses are in communication with you. So you understand where you stand and can adjust to the sitch that arises. So in my case what should I do? I know GAL, 180's what else....my W cannot see my 180's if I do not see her."

You see what you wrote here? You believe you are GALing, 180s, etc. to get her to see that you are changing. It doesn't work that way. You do it for yourself and make them life changes so that they see that the changes are real. You've been at this for less than a month and think that your changes now will erase years of her insecurites from the A.

Have you ever thought about seeing a C to discuss how you can re-establish trust with your W?

DBing is about doing things that will yield a positive interaction.