Where does the WAW go

[soleil]

I see the difference in the posts too. It seem at first you may have been more receptive to your H but now, not so much.

Anyone else reading it that way?

[Doodi]

Soleil,

I don't think I'm less receptive to him, I just think we both have changed our focus for right now.

Now I will admit to becoming more selfish and standing up for myself but it had to be done. He was sinking (albeit my fault) and was dragging me down too. I had to step up and say enough.

When the bomb was dropped in May, I asked him for a little space and patience. I didn't mention divorce or even separation, I just told him I had some things I needed to work through. I didn't stick to my judgment and let myself be drug into conversations and situations I wasn't ready to deal with. I told him things because I promised to be transparent and it backfired on me. I felt pushed and forced into making a decision I wasn't ready to make.

Now that it has been made I'm making the best of the situation. I feel more at ease because I am able to focus on the original problems. H feels better as well (or so he says) but I really can't explain why. For all I know he's DBing me...if it works why not right.

Doodi

[AJM]

Doodi, I was glad to see you went and saw your counselor. Good job. I hope your counselor can help you clear out your problems one problem at a time.

Keep up the good work.

[A_goodman]

If he's extremely lucky, he found this site and is lurking away soaking up the knowledge. If so, and if he's also wise, he's applying the tenets of db with abound. All the things you say you need right now are straight from the LBS handbook (Which by the way is a GENIUS idea for a book!).

*You want him to detach and give you space. (No Pursuit)
*You want him to take care of his problems and failings (180's)
*You want him to be kind, but not at all romantic
*You want him to develop some interests (GAL)
*You are not attracted to him (make yourself attractive)
*You haven't said as much, but I'll bet you'd even respect a little leadership on his part.
*You want him to let go, because you have and it hurts you to think you are hurting him.
*You don't want to discuss the R in the least.

Did I miss any? These are the pearls of wisdom that we swine are trying to uncover in the muck. If he's out there, maybe he's got the upper hand because he's learned them from you directly. I know that it's sunk home to me 2nd hand.

[Doodi]

If he's extremely lucky, he found this site and is lurking away soaking up the knowledge. If so, and if he's also wise, he's applying the tenets of db with abound. All the things you say you need right now are straight from the LBS handbook (Which by the way is a GENIUS idea for a book!).

*You want him to detach and give you space. (No Pursuit)
*You want him to take care of his problems and failings (180's)
*You want him to be kind, but not at all romantic
*You want him to develop some interests (GAL)
*You are not attracted to him (make yourself attractive)
*You haven't said as much, but I'll bet you'd even respect a little leadership on his part.
*You want him to let go, because you have and it hurts you to think you are hurting him.
*You don't want to discuss the R in the least.

Did I miss any? These are the pearls of wisdom that we swine are trying to uncover in the muck. If he's out there, maybe he's got the upper hand because he's learned them from you directly. I know that it's sunk home to me 2nd hand.

Nope I'm pretty sure you got them all. And to think I almost started to question if I was a true WAW. Guess so? Well I'm a WAW who hasn't started walking yet. How about that?

As for him lurking, he might be. I will admit that I actually had him read some things on here. And I did share some of my post (it was on a day when he said I wasn't trying and I just needed to show him every resource I was using). So if he goes upstairs and reads my post or lurks on others then he will be making his changes based on his wants and not me telling him what to do. And that is a huge plus.

Smooches,
Doodi

[Doodi]

3 Steps Backwards...

So between last night and this morning I have taken 3 steps backwards. The little bit of space and understanding my H was showing me was yanked away. The story is long but I gotta get it out.

Last night...

H went out with to shoot some pool. No stress it didn't bother me at all. I knew he would probably drink and smoke (the smoking bugs me but I can't control it). So he gets home and starts this 1.5 hr long talk about how he gets it. How he understands the how and why I've reached my breaking point. He goes on to say that I shouldn't call myself THE DESTROYER (my original username) because it wasn't all me. I really didn't do much more than listen mostly because he didn't hardly take a breath or give me a chance. A little time goes by he checks a few emails and then comes back down and starts asking my advise about what to talk to HIS IC about. At first, I tell him that should just kinda go over the things he just said to me. That it would be a starting point. I repeated a few things that he had said, then he accuses me of forcing him to do it. He said I was acting like he was me and that he needed all this help.

A smart person would have stopped there. Me...not so smart. I started to defend myself telling him that I wasn't trying to control him at all that I hadn't said anything that he hadn't already said and that he ASKED me for advise. He's not having it. He's saying things about how just because I have issues doesn't mean he has anything he needs to fix. That he can work on his problems alone and doesn't need outside help. So I throw my hands up and surrender and tell him to do what he feels would be best for him.

Then he starts fussing about how I'm the only person he can come to for advice and it's just wrong that I won't help him out. He says that he has no clue what to talk about and literally says the same things he said at the beginning of the argument. I just lost it. I couldn't take anymore. I was done and he was drunk...not a good combo.

Today...(yep it keeps going)

H decides to go to his appointment. (I told him I didn't care he had to make up his own mind...and all I needed to know is if he needed a ride) He came from his IC demanding I make a decision. He said that I was treating him unfairly and leaving him in Limbo. I reminded him that just last week--and I've repeated it since then--that I was Done. That I needed to work on me and figure out my head before I could even entertain working on us. I told him last week that I would stay in the house as long as it was comfortable for him--when he couldn't handle being a roommate that I'd leave. To me it seems crystal clear. But he says I'm stringing him along and he deserves an answer.

He also starts in about how this is all my fault (flashback to last night when it wasn't my fault). That he's done all the work towards fixing our M and I've done nothing (don't know if I mentioned the hand holding and family trip we did last weekend...ME TRYING). It's not fair that I expect him to do everything but I can't even give him an answer.

So I brought up last weeks conversation and reminded him that I had made it perfectly clear. I went on to ask him if it was time for me to start packing and he said yes. I wish I could have volume control and not have to censor so you got the true nature of the conversation but you'll just have to imagine yelling, cursing, flaring nostrils, etc. Yes on both sides...I don't take it anymore, I fight back. So not quite as simple as it looks in print.

Fast forward 30 minutes and he's asking me to go for a walk with him so we can talk away from the kids. First he goes can you guess what I'm going to say. Games anyone. So I tell him I'm not playing just to say what he needs to say so I can get back. We walk and he proceeds to tell me that he doesn't want me to go that it was all a big misunderstanding. He also starts to blame me because he only went because I wanted him to.

Can you say SYBIL (multi-personalities)?! How do I deal with it? I get that he's scared, confused and emotional but I can't help but feel like he's making this harder than it has to be. One minute he gets it and we both have things to fix. The next it's all my fault and he's doing everything right.

If he doesn't want to be patient that is his choice and I would have to decide my next move. But to give me the sense that he's willing to accept the little things I've been trying to do for him/us while letting me work out my issues, just to take it away; I can't deal. Bottom line is I'm not strong enough to deal with it.

I don't know how else to explain to him that right now I'm fighting the demons in my head with all that I'm worth. And when he comes at me fighting me to prove myself all the time, I just don't have enough energy to fight everything. I can't fight him and fight my demons. I can't get him to understand that fighting my internal demons could benefit us both in the end. But if I have battles on every front I have no other option but to retreat. I have to cut my losses and get out of dodge.

So I guess that's about it. Ok so that's not it but I could go on for days...you should see my journal. Bottom line is it's a dark day for me. I'm going back in my cave and protecting myself. My heart is physically aching right now and I just don't have any energy left to keep going.

Hope this finds you guys on a good day.

Doodi

[AJM]

Can you say SYBIL (multi-personalities)?! How do I deal with it? I get that he's scared, confused and emotional but I can't help but feel like he's making this harder than it has to be.

Really? That's an interesting perspective. No compassion for how he would feel. Since he's on this train with you, doesn't it make sense that he would be JUST AS CONFUSED as you? That he feels as you feel? Why doesn't that seem normal to you? He's that close!!!
He isn't making it harder than it has to be. It is hard. It is this hard. If it was easy, it wouldn't be a big deal and you wouldn't be here right now. But think about how difficult it is for him as well. This is not just you but your entire family. Your future. Your past. All of it. You should expect that he will MIRROR your actions and confusions. Why wouldn't he?
Makes perfect sense to me. In fact, I mentioned it earlier in a post where I told you it wouldn't be easy and to not give up and walk away. To work it out without leaving. It's the hardest way to do it, but know what? It gives you more options than any other way. It's working through it vs. taking a short cut. Once you leave, you won't be back. Really. That's how it works in most cases. Don't leave. Don't give up. Don't stop fighting for your boundaries. Don't stop seeing your counsellor. Just break this up into pieces and deal with them else you'll regret some of this years from now when it all makes much more sense.
But understand that he is hurting. At very deep levels. He is examining things to see what is his issues and what are not. That's painful. You actually want some of this to be your issue so you can fix it. You'd move mountains to make it right. But in the end, if it's not his issue, he cannot make a change. Only you can. It'll be important to know that later.

I don't know how else to explain to him that right now I'm fighting the demons in my head with all that I'm worth. And when he comes at me fighting me to prove myself all the time, I just don't have enough energy to fight everything. I can't fight him and fight my demons. I can't get him to understand that fighting my internal demons could benefit us both in the end.

Me. Me. Me. Enough about you, what about Me? That's what I hear in this sentence. But know what? I get it to. You do have an energy deficit to deal with. And issues to overcome that nobody but you can overcome. And you need to deal with them sooner than later. Got it. But please don't expect him to understand things the way you understand them. He is his own person and he is TRYING to understand what is going on. He is at a disadvantage because even though you think you communicated it, that doesn't mean he hears it the way you think you said it. Make sense?

Look. This will take time. Lots of it. Try not to do damage while you are working through things. It'll limit your options later if you do a lot of damage later. Don't assume he is going to attack you. I assure you, based on what you wrote, that is not his intention. Hurting you is not at all what he wants to do. He wants to make it better. To fix it. He cannot. He won't get that for a while other than academically and you are going to see that. It'll mirror your own swings.

And life will continue to march on while this happens. You will have a finite amount of time to get yourself worked out one way or another. And you may not have a relationship with your husband when you do figure it out. That's a possiblity. Or, if you keep from doing damage (be dilligent) you may have an even better life and marriage than you ever thought possible when this is done.

Be compassionate and see things from the other side as well. Objectively. That's really what I'm getting at. It's not all about you, princess. Even if you don't have enough left for anyone else while you put this energy into fixing you.

[Doodi]

SMACK!That would be the sound of the 2x4 AJM just put up side my head. And believe it or not I'm going to say thank you.

I'm not going to pretend his words didn't sting because they did. I had to retract the claws and rethink the day.

I do have compassion for his feelings but it is very hard to remember that and show it when you are being cursed and yelled at. I am confused but I have never waivered from where I am. I've always said I'm more gone than I am here. I've always told him I had issues to work on. And that's what I'm still telling him. I feel that he is yo-yoing me around. Stay, leave, stay, leave. He pushes me to the point that I say ok then I'll go and then he changes his mind again.

I don't know if you know this or not and I'm honestly not sure it makes a difference. But when I originally dropped the "bomb" on our M, I never said I wanted to leave. I didn't say I wanted to leave until he pushed and pushed over a period of 4 months. I've always said that my thoughts were to muddled to make a solid decision. I just wasn't ready to actually walk out the door. I'm the Walk Away Wife that hasn't gone anywhere. All I've done is say I'm not happy and something has to give.

I know that there is a lot of ME's in my post but that is because that is all I can control. So when I say that I'm working on my demons it's because that's all I CAN do to help our marriage. I can't change him. I can't expect him to see things the way I do. I try to stick to ME so I don't fall into the blame-game.

You are right about staying being the hardest road to travel. At times it just seems like we could both focus better if we were alone and not rehashing everything so often. I will probably have alot more days like this one between now and the end (whatever the end may bring) but I've fought my whole life and I'm still fighting. But I'm so tired.

Doodi

[pinhead]

SMACK!That would be the sound of the 2x4 AJM just put up side my head. And believe it or not I'm going to say thank you.

I'm not going to pretend his words didn't sting because they did. I had to retract the claws and rethink the day.

I do have compassion for his feelings but it is very hard to remember that and show it when you are being cursed and yelled at. I am confused but I have never waivered from where I am. I've always said I'm more gone than I am here. I've always told him I had issues to work on. And that's what I'm still telling him. I feel that he is yo-yoing me around. Stay, leave, stay, leave. He pushes me to the point that I say ok then I'll go and then he changes his mind again.

I don't know if you know this or not and I'm honestly not sure it makes a difference. But when I originally dropped the "bomb" on our M, I never said I wanted to leave. I didn't say I wanted to leave until he pushed and pushed over a period of 4 months. I've always said that my thoughts were to muddled to make a solid decision. I just wasn't ready to actually walk out the door. I'm the Walk Away Wife that hasn't gone anywhere. All I've done is say I'm not happy and something has to give.

I know that there is a lot of ME's in my post but that is because that is all I can control. So when I say that I'm working on my demons it's because that's all I CAN do to help our marriage. I can't change him. I can't expect him to see things the way I do. I try to stick to ME so I don't fall into the blame-game.

You are right about staying being the hardest road to travel. At times it just seems like we could both focus better if we were alone and not rehashing everything so often. I will probably have alot more days like this one between now and the end (whatever the end may bring) but I've fought my whole life and I'm still fighting. But I'm so tired.

Doodi

He's not changing his mind. He's reacting to a stress level. When the stress level gets too high for him to bear, he reacts, either to pursue or push you away.

You didn't say you were staying either. Nature abhors a vacuum, and in an absence of info, he assumed the worst case.

As a much smarter person has said, it's not about what you feel is right, but what works.

[ris]

I am reading this with interest, it's a lot of what my H is doing. He doesn't say he wants to divorce, at times he says he loves me, wants us to be together and wants to work on things and at other times he gets into "moods" and says things like we shouldn't have gotten married or that this marriage won't last long. It confuses the hell out of me and is very aggravating.