WAW left on Independence Day and not communicating

[hurtinhartford]

MrBond,


I agree that I was controlling while we were together, but not now. I have communicated very sparringly. In fact she is the one in control by allowing only one means of communication.

All of my eamils have been positive with no discussion about R, M or D. The B-day email would be because I love her and care for her, not so that I would get an email back.

I see that I need to read and reread detachment because my understanding is to act as if they passed away. There would be grieving period, but overtime you would move on. I will read what Pinhead attached so that I can understand detachment.

Most of you are lucky...maybe not in that your spouses are in communication with you. So you understand where you stand and can adjust to the sitch that arises. So in my case what should I do? I know GAL, 180's what else....my W cannot see my 180's if I do not see her. Yes, maybe she can see by my patience and that I am not showing anger towards her

[TimeHeals]

I have communicated very sparringly. In fact she is the one in control by allowing only one means of communication.

The thing about boundaries: we are allowed to decided what, who, when and how things are allowed in our own lives. It's controlling if she tells you that you have to email her. Did she say you must email her?

Nope. She isn't allowing you to contact her any other way. You don't have to email her.


It's a boundary. Respect it or don't, it's not controlling.

[hurtinhartford]

HEAD IS SPINNING - I NEED ADVICE FROM THE WAW

So the jury is out and it is 50/50 in acknowledging my W's b-day. See even all of those who have responded do not agree. Doodi chimed in and said do not send her anything.

[hurtinhartford]

Agree!

[TimeHeals]

In all honesty, your behavior probably plays a role in some of the mixed responses.

If you are detached, an email would do no harm. If you are really, really detached, flirting can even be good fun.

[hurtinhartford]

Right,

But once things have thawed out. Maybe I should send the email that we mentioned eralier. I don't know. My DB coach said today that I shouldn't send the email based on past movement from my W.

[pookie69]

HEAD IS SPINNING - I NEED ADVICE FROM THE WAW

So the jury is out and it is 50/50 in acknowledging my W's b-day. See even all of those who have responded do not agree. Doodi chimed in and said do not send her anything.

Good grief. What are we going to talk about after her birthday has passed?

[hurtinhartford]

I don't know, but I sure will be relieved. I still think acknowledging her b-day is counter to letting her go. But if an email warms her then that would be good as well. Which path should I take.....I am still at a loss.

My sitch is different in that I have no contact at all with my W. Last Thursday was a shock when she emailed me and I still think it was because I went dark and let her go.

[hurtinhartford]

TH,

I am trying to detach, but an email to my W does not show detachment it shows her that I am still hovering around. So what is her incentive to slowdown her running or change her direction?

[NotCrackingUp]

Hurtinhartford
I will also read the link about detachment. You say when we have contact we're lucky. Yes and no. The wounds can't heal when they're reopened daily. It's very difficult to detach from someone who's phoning you, coming to the house, pleasant one minute and cold and hard the next. I even believe it would be better for my WAS NOT to have any sight or sound from me. That way, he'd not be fuming with resentment against me and finding some fuel for this at every hand's turn.Your wife is away from you, doesn't see you or speak. That way, I think, angry feelings against you can't be fuelled and will die down. Maybe then good memories can resurface, and when you're not reminding her of you, she will have to face what she's doing and feeling. That's the way I see it, so I try to be scarce for my H. So he can stop griping and blaming me and look at himself. I've hated his moving out, but one very good thing is that he saw that as the end of all his troubles. Rid of me, life would be good. Now I can tell he sees his demons have followed him and are not all attached to me. Don't get me wrong, I know if we're at breaking point, I had some hand in it. But by being away, he can see more clearly the reflection of his own choices.

You still love your wife and it's terrible not to be in her life. But that way, you can heal better. I've visualised putting my feelings for H in a box and shutting the lid. They're there, I can reach for them, but I've tidied them away for the present. It helps me get through the week.
NCU