If that's the timeline (multiple addictive behaviors, infidelity is only one of them, and some "life crisis" came first), then I agree. It's also true sometimes, however, that thru "re-writing of marital history," a cheating spouse will pre-date their affair and claim that "Oh, I've been unhappy for a long time now," or "I emotionally divorced you a long time ago, so it's not really cheating," etc.
Puppy
I agree with you--this is the all-important distinction. If only it were always easy to see in real life!
Great question and great points on both sides of the debate.
Unfortunately in most cases the discovery of the affair is the first sign that the LBS notices and therefore they would not be able to identify that the wayward spouse is MLC or not. So ultimately, I think that exposure is warranted if the weyward spouse does not stop the affair.
When I found out about my W's affair I exposed immediately in the form of an email to all her soroity sisters whom she was with on an annual reunion weekend at the beach when she met the OM. I felt since they sat by and watched her engage in this behavior they should certainly know what happened and I was shocked when they ran to her defense.
It was 3 or 4 months later that I started to suspect MLC.
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
I knew NOTHING about my Hs EA/PA until he told me. He said he couldn't handle the guilt anymore. Said he loved her. I convinced him right off that he needed to break it off with her and stay with me. He swore he would never see her again, but kept communicating via text/calling. I freaked out - but he said he would not stop. After 2 weeks - he said he needed space and moved in with a friend. All of our friends and family found out because I had a total panic attack/breakdown. Everyone knows. This is hard now that I realize the reason for the EA/PA is a MLC and I am standing by my marriage. My family and friends think I am insane. That is very hard to deal with. But they are coming around to supporting what I want and what is important to me. The ones who don't, I have distanced myself from.
Our Ds (12 and 10) know everything. We both felt it was important to tell them the truth because my husbands mom had an affair when he was young and it has turned into a big family crisis now that all of the children are adults - some knew and some didn't until now. Secrets manifest and become horrible over time. But that is just our experience and we hope that telling our girls the truth will avoid the same issues my Hs family is going through now as adults.
We sit down with our girls one at a time and talk to them about what they are feeling and that is thier chance to ask questions...some that we just can't answer (like, are you getting a divorce?) but we are ALWAYS honest with them. This has really seemed to help and considering everything, they are doing okay. But my husband and I have always gotten along and never fight, so our girls feel comfortable telling their dad how they feel.
As others have said above...no one does it the same and there isn't a right way or a wrong way. my only advice is to do what you feel is right, not what you think everyone else would do.
TAMF m:41 xh:41 T: 20 M: 15 D: 16 D: 14 Bomb dropped: 7/3/10 separated: 7/15/10 H moved in to new apt. with OW: 7/1/11 divorced: 8/26/12
I have to make this short and sweet as I just found out I have to pick up the kids early from school today...Blech!
I can only write from experience.
I tried to read every single book about MLC that I could find. Somewhere there is a thread that Snodderly had listed some really great books.
I know that when I was acting like the B*tch from hell, and trying to control my Husband's actions, contacting OW, letting everyone know about how my Husband was carrying on, and forsaking his marriage vows, nothing seemed to change.
I contacted the OW's Husband, I snooped, I did everything I could to expose my Husband's affair.
I also had no clue about MLC or what it was.
I learned very quickly that everything I was doing was totally arse backwards.
I sought IC and came here to seek wisdom and help.
I set boundaries and tried to detach from the insanity.
I was also a slow learner and it took me a good 18 months post bomb to really learn the art of detaching.
The advice I have to offer is from my experience and from what I have learned since my Husband came home.
He has shared things with me since he has been home that only confirms some of the good things I learned here.
Whether or not MLC is the problem boundaries are so important. They are for you, not WAS.
I learned how to turn off my phone and stop worrying that I would miss his calls.
If he was rude to me and started one of his spewfest's I would let him know that he could call me back later when he had calmed down, and I would turn off my phone.
I don't think that there is anyway to "fix" a MLC or make it end sooner, BUT I do think we can prolong it if we badger them and harass them and keep wiping the s*it in their faces.
Better run, or I will be late,
Blessings BND
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
I know that when I was acting like the B*tch from hell, and trying to control my Husband's actions, contacting OW, letting everyone know about how my Husband was carrying on, and forsaking his marriage vows, nothing seemed to change.
Of course not!! Who's advocating being a b*tch/b*stard from hell?
Exposure, properly done, should be calm, controlled, business-like, and (like spanking), NOT from a position of anger.
BND, thank you for sharing your own experience. It's obviously that it's had a strong influence on your position on this sensitive topic.
You can make distinctions between "exit affairs," and "MLC affairs," and "revenge affairs,"
How are you diferentiating between these affairs? When some one comes on one of the DB boards, how are the mentors deciding which type of affair the LBS is experiencing?
Is there any guidance that you have an a,b,or c affair?
Things are...eh. If you have time, see my thread under JenniferA.