Hi again Dan, First let me say I'm sorry you find yourself here. But it's a great community hey? I keep thinking it's time for me to leave but then keep checking for updates! So I'm not really sure where I'm at now. I'll do my best to answer your questions here so you don't have to plow through too much of my sitch if you don't want to! Sorry, this is a long answer. I do ramble a lot.
What was really going on? Well, I think I was as close to becoming a WAW as I'd ever want to get. We didn't fight a lot. There wasn't an affair. Just distance. Mind numbing, heart wrenching distance. I felt so alone - never in my life do I want to feel that alone again. It was paralyzing. Neither of us could communicate through conflict and essentially, we both had shut down. We just couldn't connect anymore. A lot of blaming one another, neglect, contempt, a TON of passive aggressive behavior, and no meaningful conversation to speak of. I knew something was wrong. He didn't. When I told him I felt disconnected, he thought I meant just the fact we hadn't barely had any sex for a couple years. So I got into therapy (with a psychologist, as I'd mentioned), but he refused to come, and still hasn't. I even told him a couple of times I was contemplating leaving, but it didn't make a difference - he still refused to come. So I decided to just keep going alone, and see if I could make enough changes in myself and how I interact with him, that it would help him change too; if we both could change, I figured we'd have a shot at it.
Do I feel differently now? Unbelievably yes. When I read what I just wrote it makes me shake my head. I still can't believe it. We're communicating more, I've worked past the resentments, we're occassionally having sex. It's slowly getting better. I've got a lot of hope now. Yes I'm still scared there will come a day when something snaps inside me and I make a run for it, but it hasn't happened yet. And I'm pretty sure that the more often we work through setbacks, the less likely it will be that will happen.
How did it happen that I came to feel differently? A lot of work, crying, anger, and talking - both serious R talks and connecting one. And understanding how what went on in both our childhoods affected how we both communicate today, and interact in an intimate relationship today. I guess the main thing was that I had to build my self-esteem back up so that I could speak up for myself when he was hurting me or I felt something was unfair. I also had to learn to ask for help and support when I needed it. And, I had to learn that I had the right and responsibility to speak up when I needed to. I think that was the biggest lesson. I'm still working on that.
So yes, my H and I are still together. Like I said, I still get scared. But gradually the good times are getting more frequent, the bad times less so and are more productive. Now that we're learning how to communicate through conflict, we're resolving what we can, rather than just ignoring the problems. I know there will be lots of stuff we have to just let be - things that can never be resolved just like they say in the books. But hopefully there will continue to be proportionately more good stuff that those issues can be just set aside. They won't matter and influence us so much.
I like your tag line. I wish my W would realize that. (Thank you!) It took a lot of work to empower myself enough to get to this point. I'm sorry I haven't read your sitch yet, but I pray your wife comes to that place too. Take care, FMV.
