IB, I know I have told you this before. I had a very, very hard time moving forward. Very hard. And you are still so early into this. This is tough stuff.
I just want so much for you to get to where you need to be. But, you need to get there in your own time. No one can push you through it. And it is very important that you give yourself the time you need.
And the way to do it is simply put the focus on you and your kids. Each day, wake up and figure out one thing you are going to do for you. Even if that means dealing with some of the anger, some of the sadness, some of the past. Just one thing a day.
I promise you this will get easier. It will.
Today, make a committment to yourself. A committment to live the best life you can. A committment that you're worthy, you matter. A committment that you love your h enough to allow him his journey and you love yourself enough to allow you yours.
Then take it. You will not be sorry you did.
So, dont worry about getting to a place to be able to talk to your h. Dont worry about his relationship with the kids.
So the day ends. I have seriously been at the end of my rope! I need to ask for help and I keep avoiding it. I hate putting anyone out - but I am sinking deeper and deeper into a hole from being overwhelmed from the day to day life challenges of raising a 16 year old / being available to two 20 something Ds who are trying to navigate life / working 50-60 hours per week / and maintaining a house that is falling down around me. I end up feeling sad and inadequate over the simplest things - because in the past H and I were partners and we could share the burdens which made them easier to handle. I'm trying to figure out what I am working towards - I can't seem to see beyond the day. Anytime I think beyond - I can't seem to keep H out of it - it's more of my denial. He is gone. He is not coming home. He is not in love with me any longer. He no longer wants what we had once envisioned. I will not be sharing my life with him.
So...I am here. I have my home. I have the love of my kids, friends, and family. I still want to be debt free in 2 years. I want to have my house completed and welcoming. I want to travel and visit family and friends. I want to improve my relationship with God. I want to demonstrate care to my extended family and friends. I want to be healthy and attractive and grateful. I want to keep improving my performance at work. I want to be more thoughtful. I want to be more organized. I want to learn to garden. I want to actually complete scrapbooks for the kids.
Is this enough to fulfill me? I still want to share my life with a partner. I want to come home at night and talk to someone, be held by someone, be loved by someone. I can't imagine that someone to be anyone other than H. I sometimes feel foolish or maybe even arrogant that I can't believe he doesn't want me or want what we had. It was special. This is where that line between denial and hopefulness gets blurry for me.
H did horrible things to me. He said horrible things to me. He has abandoned me, humiliated me, deceived me. But at the same time, for years he held me when I cried, made me laugh, was proud of my accomplishments, showed confidence in me, was a great father.
This is my life...I have no idea what I am doing!
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
Three words for you. DETACH DETACH DETACH!!! I know, easier said than done. But too much of your thoughts/time is spent mulling over a spouse that does not resemble the H you remember.
Concentrate on you. You've made several great suggestions on what you want to do with your time. What are your plans to get them done? How will you become debt free? How do you plan to learn to garden? Books? Classes? How do you plan to become organized? Lets spend your time making written definitive plans to achieve your goals. Wanting something is very different than DOING something. Lets concentrate on getting you DOING things to meet YOUR goals. We all want our S back home with us. Otherwise we wouldn't be here. Feel it, accept it, mourn it. But keep moving forward or else you'll be stuck. I know you have the strength!
"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"
M18 Me39,H42 D16 Bomb 1/10 Moved out 3/10 OW 6/10 H wants to R,OW gone 11/10 H moves back 5/11 H wants to wear rings again 9/11
I know Al - I've detached physically - but not mentally or emotionally. I get through the days better in terms of not thinking about H as much / but when the alone time comes the thoughts always go to what we had and to trying to figure out what happened. It's like I am driving myself crazy with these thoughts of "is it MLC?" "did he truly NEVER love me or want to marry me?" "who will he chose next?" "is he mentally impaired?" - I know that the answers to these questions really don't matter - but I do get stuck.
Anyway...I know you have all heard these things from me time and time again. It's up to me to change it. I am going to take this weekend and say no to social events - and get my act together!
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
IB...I see myself 6 years ago when I read what you wrote...it does get better, really it does...you can't see it now but one day you will realize that "Hey! I am really okay...I am feeling happy for real"...it will come just keep working on you and doing what you can to be happy now.
Thanks Lin - I am so grateful to you for sharing your experiences and giving me hope.
Today was a 90% good / 10% bad day. The 10% was really my projecting my hurt and insecurity on an email H sent. He sent S and I an email with S's progress report and a note that said "Looks like you are off to a great start - keep it up!" I projected the things that H has said to me - "kids will be fine / I'll be a better parent / better employee / better son, etc." I felt like - "oh look, all is good because son is doing well in school - all is good. He has had little if any contact with S about anything other than basketball. S moved from honors to college prep this year to get his GPA up in hopes to get sports scholarship. Who is feeding, clothing, sheltering S? Who gets him up in the morning? Who reminds him to take his asthma medication - gets his sports clothes - checks his homework - gets his school supplies? And I LOVE doing every ounce of it. My vent here is just that H has abandoned his responsibility but tries to serve as a cheerleader of how life is great! It felt like a knife in my heart. I did not respond to H. I just closed my office door for a few minutes, teared up, and talked myself down. I know I'm lucky that he even "cheers" for son. But it still irked me.
Rest of the day - PRODUCTIVE!!!! I slept well, got up, caught up in my office - came home - cleaned like crazy - and am ready for the weekend. I begged off my middle D's football game (she's a college dancer) - just want to finish getting caught up. Also, next weekend is the weekend of my 25th wedding anniversary and the kids and I are headed to Nashville. I'm putting together a photo story of the good times.
I am so grateful for this board - to be able to start my day and end my day with this interaction is so cathartic. Thank you to all who listen and advise.
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
You and I have a lot in common. Not only have we been dealing with this MLC crap for about the same amount of time, but my wedding anniversary is next Friday also. It will be our 16th. H has already scheduled a trip to the midwest for "contract work". But like I said, I'm pretty damn sure it's to visit OW. I don't have anything planned yet. Need to find something because you have the right idea. It's good to stay busy to keep your mind off of it. Stay strong!
"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"
M18 Me39,H42 D16 Bomb 1/10 Moved out 3/10 OW 6/10 H wants to R,OW gone 11/10 H moves back 5/11 H wants to wear rings again 9/11
Good morning Board...hope everyone's day is great!
Woke up at 5:20am / get son up for morning bb workout / oops, he falls back to sleep - 5:40am I realize - rush him out the door. If he's late he gets locked out of the gym! I tell him to go, go, go and I'll bring his school stuff to him on my way to work! Single mom heroics once again! BTW - 2 parents do this stuff easier than 1!
Today I have a lot to do at work - then home alone - but that's ok - I am conquering my office and basement this weekend. It WILL get done!
Have I told you lately that I am EXHAUSTED!!! But I'm still moving forward after some significant emotional backsliding! Realized that I have not had visuals on H since July 31st. 28 years in each other's daily life and NOTHING! But I am OK!! Still standing, still hurt, still loving, still denying, still hopeful, still confused - but still moving!!!
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
Still standing, still hurt, still loving, still denying, still hopeful, still confused - but still moving!!!
This kind of honesty will serve you well on your journey.
Now stop thinking about H!!! I don't care how long it's been since you've seen him (silver lining: detachment is actually easier), or how much harder it is as one parent (silver lining: the time you get to spend with your kids), or even that you're gonna be home alone (silver lining: crank up YOUR music and dance like no body is watching!) ... the focus is IB!
What have you been finding out about Irish on your digging expedition?
Oh, and good morning to you too
Keep movin', you're doing well IB, Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
