As an engineer I tend to over analyze things, but I am trying not to allow emotions to creep in, which would be detremental to my sitch. I have decided not to send a b-day email to my W for the following reasons:
1. I told her that I was letting her go last week. Therefore, by not acknowledging her b-day with an email my actions correspond to my words. My words are solid and truthful...which I will need to develop trust with her in the future.
2. I always did something nice for her on her b-day. She knows that I want out M to work so she will expect me as the LBS to at least send her a card as a peace offering. This should get her to stop running and look back.
3. It appears (if I am reading my W's temperature) that every time I go Dark and let her go that I get some movement from her. The first time I did I overreacted with 4-5 emails, thus pushing her back. This time I have not sent any emails other than to let her know that her mail was in the box, which she requested that I do.
4. I know my W and she is very sentimental and has kept (even today) all of the letters, emails, cards, gifts and petals of flowere that I sent to her. Even though she is a WAW I would be surprised that this will not affect her.
5. I need to detach as much as I can and focus my energy on me and making me a better person. I know that I have been over reacting to this sitch, but I needed clarity. The key is to have my plan and contingency plans in place if and when she moves. If she asks me "why I forgot her b-day?" My response cannot be seen to her as defensive. I would say "I could see how that might have hurt you, what could I do to make it better?" It's that whole communication thing (Sender/Receiver) that we fail at.
So this is my thinking abd strategy, feel free to poke holes at it.
She knows that I want out M to work so she will expect me as the LBS to at least send her a card as a peace offering. This should get her to stop running and look back.
Why you think so?
Accept that there is only one thing you can change in life and that is you
Right now it is theory based on past movement from my W. Each time I pullback and let her go I get movement. Last Thursday might have been a test to see if I would respond and to see if I would do something vindictive. I responeded the next morning and gave her the mail and didn't change the key to the box....all 180's. I have not pursued her with anymore emails like the first time she communicated with me.
You are right she might keep running, but maybe slower.
Yo Yo motions just make everyone seasick. Pick a course of action, and then follow through. Taking her temperature, making gestures, wondering what she's thinking, all will be counterproductive.
She knows that I want out M to work so she will expect me as the LBS to at least send her a card as a peace offering. This should get her to stop running and look back.
Better yet, why do you think that?
I am an Engineer too and had to stop analyzing W altogether. It only drove me insane.
Never mind about how she'll feel; how will you feel on Saturday when her birthday's past and you've not sent anything?
I could be all wrong, my H is revealing sides to himself that I never saw before (mean, terribly selfish, totally unreasonable, to name but a few).So I'm also confused. But personally, I would feel a bit ashamed to let his birthday go by without acknowledging it; he's changed a lot and let me down, but I've not changed. Doing a u-turn shouldn't mean becoming totally different, should it?
Ask yourself what you really want to do and be authentic. Just don't go overboard.But don't wait around for ANY answer, you probably won't get one.
Hope the acting class will be good. I'd love to do that and learn to play scenes where I have to get angry. I've got rage boiling inside me, but can't let it out, for fear of finally 'losing' him. Ha, ha.
Still haven't understood the 2X4 thing. Who're you supposed to hit with the plank?
NCU
Me: 46 H:42 Together for 18 yrs, married 14. 3 children: 2 girls 13 and 10, one boy 7. Husband had affair, ended it and then decided on separation. Separated 08/2010
I agree and I have picked a course of action. I am staying consistent with letting go...if I can just get my heart around that then I will be successful no matter what happens. However, you do have to monitor the reaction from your spouse and adjust accordingly or risk driving the train off the tracks. Right now I am just trying to get movement from my W. And Yes I am focusing on GAL.
However, you do have to monitor the reaction from your spouse and adjust accordingly or risk driving the train off the tracks. Right now I am just trying to get movement from my W.
I think this is where you're wrong. This is controlling.
Accept that there is only one thing you can change in life and that is you
I agree and I have picked a course of action. I am staying consistent with letting go...if I can just get my heart around that then I will be successful no matter what happens. However, you do have to monitor the reaction from your spouse and adjust accordingly or risk driving the train off the tracks. Right now I am just trying to get movement from my W. And Yes I am focusing on GAL.
Send her the card then. Happy B-day and nothing more.
