As a parent I think it is our ultimate responsibility to do what is best for our kids. Sometimes that may be to try and keep the M together but sometimes it may be to let go.
One thing we should never do is to badmouth our spouses regardless of the behavior. The kids have a right to have a healthy relationship with both.
Much as we worry about our kids, they also worry about us and they need to see us coping with these issues and not leaning on them. So be strong for your kids.
Also trying to guilt your WAS into having a change of mind due to the Kids WILL NOT work. They see this as just another tactic regardless of your intention. There is really no benefit in discussing how bad Divorce is for the kids if you are the LBS as that piece is outside your control. We just need to figure out how to minimize the effect on them which is to parent as best you can and cooperate with the WAS in all parenting matters. Show good example and an upbeat attitude.
The M breakdown is about YOU not your kids. The WAS is not leaving the kids they are leaving YOU. If they could replace you and keep the kids they probably would. This is the bit that needs fixing.
I am in the same sitch as everyone else but i think it is important we realize this and don't spend all our times crying for the kids ( especially not in front of them )
I have been a good step-dad to a kid for the past 8 years. His real dad hasn't much time for him and now my WAS is starting to have him raised by baby sitters. Her family and friends have told her this is wrong but she is not doing this to hurt the child she is doing this to get away from me.
Don't ignore the impact on the Kids but put it into perspective and don't let it dominate your thinking. It may be a great reason to try and save the M but it cant be a tactic or the sole reason.
Thanks, FMV, but I don't know that it happened that way in my sitch. I had no idea my wife was in therapy, no idea when it started or ended, and no idea what the therapist said. Unfortunately, my wife IS a therapist and that may have played a part in my sitch, but she has long standing issues that I did not fully appreciate. I really feel badly for her now. I know that the reality is not matching the fantasy and for the first time last night she let on that she was hurting over this despite having always said that she was so sure about wanting out.
A great deal of damage has already been done to many people, including my children, our families, and friends, all of whom are in shock, no matter how this turns out, and I am afraid that she may end up being the most damaged of all.
The four of us were dragged down a path none of us wanted to go down. I am pro marriage, but accept the reality of my sitch. I am my kids role model and have projected adult behavior.
The bomb triggered a focused and deeper commitment to my kids as well as to my personal growth. I don't think I would have made the changes if I was still in an unhealthy marriage. I would still be stuck.
Originally Posted By: 40andsadintexas
If anyone can post the positive effects of divorce on children I would love to read them.
I have a much deeper connection with each of my children.
The parenting responsibilities are now equal. There is no longer an imbalance in responsibilities.
I speak from my core values to my children. "I don't believe that D is the answer to problems in a marriage. I believe that there are other solutions than D. I want your mother to be happy...etc
I understand where the responsibility boundaries are and do not enable irresponsible behavior.
I am more compassionate, empathetic, and understanding.
These are all positive effects for my children. I am sure there are more. I am not saying that divorce is the solution, just the catalyst.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
My kids are doing pretty well overall, but I know they've internalized a lot of pain and anger. Even two years in, I still regularly hear "I wish you and Mommy were still together", "Why did Mommy move to a new house?", etc. There is still crying and clinging at transitions. My W's way of dealing with it? She turns her back and walks away from them, over and over.
I have never said one bad word about my W in front of my kids. I have only shown one brief time that I'm angry at her, and that was over a year ago. I work with my W regarding child schedules, school, activities. We attend all their functions, and usually sit together. We are respectful to each other.
Even with all this, I know my kids have been damaged, in ways that won't be clear until they are grown and building their own relationships. Our marriage had little arguing at all, and never in front of the kids. There certainly was no abuse. The problems between my W and me were all around lack of intimacy, which is pretty separate from the kids. We were great co-parents. The kids had a completely stable, warm, safe environment at home. They were scared and confused when my W moved out. They had no idea anything was wrong, and still wonder and ask why it had to happen. My W tells them it was because Mommy and Daddy fought too much, which is such BS, and they know it. They never once saw us fight, and it wasn't because we hid it so well. We didn't fight. Maybe we should have. My kids learned that a seemingly safe stable home can be torn from them at any time for no apparent reason. I can't see how they could ever really feel safe in a future marriage or family of their own. That's what makes my heart hurt.
On the positive side, I am a better parent now, no question, so they benefit from that.
The problems between my W and me were all around lack of intimacy, which is pretty separate from the kids.
Is it? Would you think kids would benefit or not from seeing mom and dad treat each other special, affection, and all of that?
You say it didn't matter. Why are you so sure? Wouldn't you want them to have marriages where they treat each other well and value each other and are affectionate toward each other when they grow up and marry?
Last edited by TimeHeals; 09/09/1004:32 PM.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
The problems between my W and me were all around lack of intimacy, which is pretty separate from the kids.
Is it? Would you think kids would benefit or not from seeing mom and dad treat each other special, affection, and all of that?
You say it didn't matter. Why are you so sure? Wouldn't you want them to have marriages where they treat each other well and value each other and are affectionate toward each other when they grow up and marry?
Everyone "benefits" from perfect, ideal circumstances. The problem that Future is illustrating is that even in the case of imperfect marriages, the children suffer from divorces and experience a net loss. Studies bear this out. However, in the case of destructive and seriously dysfunctional marriages, children can experience a net gain from the divorce.
So, to say that children would benefit from experiencing an ideal parental marriage does not mitigate the damage that occurs to them from divorce.
Look, I am not saying that we should all throw in the towel and write off our children if/when we get divorced. I just don't think we should bury our heads in the sand about it. We will not be equipped to deal with the damage if we cannot even admit that it will exist.
We will not be equipped to deal with the damage if we cannot even admit that it will exist.
Is that what you and 40 were doing? Talking about how to deal with things?
I didn't get that when I read your posts. I read a lot of what sounded like blaming your spouses for all of the damage to your kids, and no empathy whatsoever for your spouses.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
We will not be equipped to deal with the damage if we cannot even admit that it will exist.
Is that what you and 40 were doing? Talking about how to deal with things?
I didn't get that when I read your posts. I read a lot of what sounded like blaming your spouses for all of the damage to your kids, and no empathy whatsoever for your spouses.
Well then you really need to read slower because you definitely didn't see me blame my spouse and you must have missed the part where I said that I was worried about her.
