It's only pursuing if you are trying to change her feelings.
You see, I think I could pull funny off with my STBXW now (but I couldn't on her birthday).
I can pull off flirty too sometimes
She's a woman, and I am not a cave man who's gonna knock her over the head with a club and drag her back by the hair. If she doesn't want to be with me, then I am OK with that.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
I need the advice from someone on the otherside. This whole sitch has me as the Coach says "Monkey Brains". But I am reading everyone's sitch and it appears the smallest gestures can become major issues down the road.
I am still aganizing over whether to send my W a b-day email. My W has left me and has not communicated with me since July 4th so obviously she is detaching and wanting to move away from me as fast as she can (mind reading). If I follow my heart I would acknowledge the b-day with a simple email, but that may be viewed by her that I am okay with what she is doing, but then again it may help to dimenish negative feelings that have built up over time.
However, if I follow logic I would use tough love and not acknowledge her b-day and treat it as a normal day. I have let her go so by sending the email I send conflicting messages to her.
I am asking the question because the people who have weighed in are 50/50 as I am.
My first instinct would be to let it go. I know the nice guy in you wants to at least acknowledge her day but here's what/why I think you shouldn't.
*It could trigger her to say "Why doesn't he just let it go. It's over."
*You would eventually start to obsess over her reaction or lack of reaction.
*It's not going to change anything. It might actually remind her of what she's trying to escape.
I had a few more reasons before life got in the way...now I can't think of them. So not much help but the bottom line is don't do it.
Smooches, Doodi
"I feel like Rocky in the fifteenth round, beaten beyond recognition, when I realize, the only person I've been fighting for is...myself."
I read your comment to Gyn on letting go. This why I am anguishing over sending my W a simple b-day email. If I truly let her go and I told her that I did when I apologized to her last week, then I would not acknowledge her b-day...consistent with my words telling her that I was letting her go.
I know she is a WAW and she is detaching and running away from me as fast as she can, but I was always a dotting H and buying her nice b-day gifts. So in essence this would be a 180 for me because she would be expecting some form of acknowledgement from me, if I was still interested. She has to feel that I am really gone for her to stop running. And in fact, when I have stopped pursuing via email is when I recieve communication from her.
Thank you. I read soleil post to Gyn and I came to the same conclusion. It may seem like an innocent gesture, but it send conflicting messages from me and tells her that I am still hovering around.
She truly has to feel that I am not there for her and that I have moved on. It will be difficult for me, but it is what must be done to successfully DB.
Yeah, it's confusing when you are where you are emotionally.
I don't have a time-line for your sit in front of me. I can tell you that me and my STBXW had NC for around 6 weeks before we spoke to one another.
And then things went from better to worse quickly.
Things seem nicer now. Who knows? The big difference in all of this, for me, is ME. I am fine. I can be divorced and single, I can date my STBXW, and no matter what happens, I'm going to be happy. To tell you the honest truth, if there is any hesitation on my part it is only in "taking things for granted". I can flirt, I can be happy alone, I can be happy with her if she is happy to be with me, and I have no idea whatsoever it is leading toward or even if it is leading toward anything. I am going with whatever is happening and seeing where it leads.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
Thank you. I read soleil post to Gyn and I came to the same conclusion. It may seem like an innocent gesture, but it send conflicting messages from me and tells her that I am still hovering around.
She truly has to feel that I am not there for her and that I have moved on. It will be difficult for me, but it is what must be done to successfully DB.
Well I'm glad I helped someone. Care to come read my thread and hit me with a 2x4! It's been a really bad day.
Smooches, Doodi
"I feel like Rocky in the fifteenth round, beaten beyond recognition, when I realize, the only person I've been fighting for is...myself."
This is the 9th week for me with no/little communication from W. I recieved the email from her last week regarding her mail and that was unsolcited. And it appears that each time I go dark/semi dark that is when she communicates (twice so far).
I know I am emotionally tied-up in knots here and that is why I am seeking the advice from the vets here. It seems that totally letting go is the proper approach here. She detached (though not totally) and I MUST detach for my own health and well-being.
I see a lot of posters here who have let their emotions get the best of them and have deminished their progress in DBing. Maybe I am over analyzing my sitch, but what I am trying to do is take the temperature of my W (she seems to move a little when I let go and go dark) as well as see what works and what does not work with the other posters.
I am GAL because I realize that this is all that I have control over. Though if and when my W ever talks with me I have begun developing that communication strategy as well. I am trying to use the gift of time that my W gave me to the fulliset advantage.
TH what are your plans for R or do you feel that you are not at that point yet?
TH what are your plans for R or do you feel that you are not at that point yet?
Well, since she sued me for divorce, and this is a no-fault state, I have the happy luxury of not having to do a darned thing.
She, on the other hand, put the divorce on-hold again because we'd be divorced on Monday if she hadn't done that. She did ask me what "we" should do, and I said, "Well, I suppose if we ever decide we want to get married again, we could do that".
So... now... well, we are dating exclusively (neither of us wants to date the other if they are dating others). That's it.
Seeing where it all goes at this point. Watching a lot of Carry Grant films on my end to improve my flirting skillz
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
