children are resilient

[40andsadintexas]

If anyone has some links for information that indicates divorce is beneficial for most children I would love to read it.

[TimeHeals]

Again, it would be so much easier just to agree with you, but...

empathy also demands that I understand that something unhealthy existed in the marriage if one partner is chosing to leave the marriage. It may be only that they needed to grow and felt they couldn't do it in the marriage anymore. It's hard to be specific and empathetic about a general case

I do know that holding onto anger and resentment for your spouse is making your children suffer too, and they are not learning how to cope with adversity well from you if that is your focus.

[Kalni]

Speaking for myself I dont believe or said that divorce is beneficial for most kids. On the contrary, I believe that kids suffer by it. But I do believe that how we, parents, handle our divorce, plays a HUGE role on how the kids will "adjust" and deal with it emotionally. I've seen it and I lived it. That is why I always urge people here, to separate what they feel for their xSs from what is good for their kids regarding interactions, schedules, etc.

[MakingProgress]

Again, it would be so much easier just to agree with you, but...

empathy also demands that I understand that something unhealthy existed in the marriage if one partner is chosing to leave the marriage. It may be only that they needed to grow and felt they couldn't do it in the marriage anymore. It's hard to be specific and empathetic about a general case

True, but not necessarily. It is just as likely that something unhealthy exists in the WAW, not the marriage.

[TimeHeals]

It is just as likely that something unhealthy exists in the WAW, not the marriage.

They weren't in the marriage?

[MakingProgress]

It is just as likely that something unhealthy exists in the WAW, not the marriage.

They weren't in the marriage?

You're moving away from the point. If the WAW has issues that she takes with her after she is divorced, the children do not derive a benefit from the divorce because it is the WAW, not the marriage that is the problem.

The WAW often believes that their problem is their spouse, which is why they walk. They are usually wrong. Their problem is themselves and walking away from the marriage actually delays or even prevents them from dealing with their issues.

Note: Remember, the LBS usually take a good hard look at themselves and effectuate profound change. MWD asserts that they usually make excellent second husbands. The WAW does not usually engage in similar self reflection.

[TimeHeals]

I'm not moving away from the point.

The point is that if your spouse has left you, then you have to deal with that, and arguing about what is best for the kids is just another resentment to hang onto, and that's not good for the kids either.

It is what it is. Life isn't always fair or easy. Make the best of it and count your blessings.

[MakingProgress]

I'm not moving away from the point.

The point is that if your spouse has left you, then you have to deal with that, and arguing about what is best for the kids is just another resentment to hang onto, and that's not good for the kids either.

It is what it is. Life isn't always fair or easy. Make the best of it and count your blessings.

The reason why it is important, TH, is that when the WAS goes to a therapist, the therapist does not know not to believe anything they say so takes the word of the WAS that the feelings are irretrievably gone, etc. When that is coupled with the notion that kids are resilient and they will not be happy if each parent is not completely fulfilled and self actualized, the therapists often contribute to the demise of otherwise salvageable relationships. This problem is discussed by MWD and many other experts.

We will have to agree to disagree.

[TimeHeals]

We can disagree if you like. As I see it, this thread is not directed to or getting input from WASs. It is a thread of LBSs for LBSs, and that makes me worry that it is just another excuse to ruminate and forment resentment toward the WAS, and that hurts the LBS and the kids.

[FindingMyVoice]

The reason why it is important, TH, is that when the WAS goes to a therapist, the therapist does not know not to believe anything they say so takes the word of the WAS that the feelings are irretrievably gone, etc.

Just a note MP, I'm truly sorry to hear what a negative experience you've obviously had with therapists. I can't imagine what kind of therapist there might be, that would blindly accept such a thing. When I started with my therapist last fall and told her that I was thinking of leaving my H because my feelings were 'gone' she knew enough about love and marriage to know to question that assumption of mine. Her work with me brought me around to see the error in my thinking. Mind you, she is a psychologist - perhaps there's a difference? A good therapist, through skillful questioning should be able to determine, even if the other spouse isn't present, what's really going on.