I am on the fence regarding the b-day acknowledgement. I don't want to hurt her, but I don't want to approve of her actions. You are right that she has been taught to internalize her negative feelings because of how her parents over reacted when her and her sister were upset. However, I should have not been such a insensitive cad in how I dealt with the A.
My W did what she thought she needed to do to survive. The issue that I have was that I knew we had problems and mostly due to me, but I never thought that we would be in this situation and her not communicating to me.
I don't think I am trying to control the sitch, but maybe I am. Though I am getting better with each passing day the silence was driving me crazy. I understand that she needs time and space and that is what I trying to give her.
I am fully committed to this M. My W is a wonderful woman and I would do anything for her. So I am committed, but I do admit that there are times when I question myself if this is worth it? I know GAL is and addressing issues that were the root cause of my sitch are.
I think it is normal to go through the cycle of emotions. Today was not necessarily a good day for me. I read a lot of posts were fellow posters were anguishing over their sitch and I think it affected me. I do appreciate your view point and how you can read through my sitch. It really clears the fog that I am in. I hope one day to be able to pay forward.
Isn't waterboarding when they take a terrorist have him lie head down on a board, place a towel over his head and pour water on it. Suppose to simulate drowning ;-)
I need the advice from someone on the otherside. This whole sitch has me as the Coach says "Monkey Brains". But I am reading everyone's sitch and it appears the smallest gestures can become major issues down the road.
I am still aganizing over whether to send my W a b-day email. My W has left me and has not communicated with me since July 4th so obviously she is detaching and wanting to move away from me as fast as she can (mind reading). If I follow my heart I would acknowledge the b-day with a simple email, but that may be viewed by her that I am okay with what she is doing, but then again it may help to dimenish negative feelings that have built up over time.
However, if I follow logic I would use tough love and not acknowledge her b-day and treat it as a normal day. I have let her go so by sending the email I send conflicting messages to her.
I am asking the question because the people who have weighed in are 50/50 as I am.
If I follow my heart I would acknowledge the b-day with a simple email, but that may be viewed by her that I am okay with what she is doing, but then again it may help to dimenish negative feelings that have built up over time.
Dude, you are overthinking this. OK with what she is doing? Where did you get that?
I don't see the harm--from an outside view--of sending an email that only says, "Happy Birthday".
That being said, you have not detached at all. And if you are going to sit around expecting a response or agonize over a response if it comes like you are doing with this, then I don't know what to tell you.
In the end, saying happy birthday (and nothing else)... does it really mean much? Nope. Does not doing it mean much? Might mean you forgot, might mean you are giving her space, might not mean anything either.
In short, it doesn't matter right now, but you have to GET that.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
I don't think I will sitting around waiting for a response. I have been reading the threads of the WAS and it appears that they are as confused as the LBS. They know they want out, but over time especially when they have distanced themselves from their spouse they get confused as to why.
TH I appreciate your comments...I really do, but reading your thread it appears that you did not completely detach yourself from your W. And there are posters on here that have candles lit for their spouses for years, which means that they have not detached either.
We are all here for advice and council from the vets and believe I thank god for them and this site! The privledge of being here has kept me sane the last few weeks. My ultimate goal is that I plan to win the war and save my M...I am not giving up!
So as with any good general you have to work on multiple fronts: 1). I am detaching as fast as my heart and mind can. I realize that there is a good chance that I might not get what I desire. 2). So I realize that GAL is the most important action that I can take away from here because I have full control of that. 3). I am reading ALL posts to determine what worked and what didn't work to develop a strategy so my W and I can at least have a dialogue before we hit the slipper slope of D.
Number 3 is where I am stuck because of the conflicting advice. MrBond suggested that I should send an email to help develop trust from W because that is what got me in this sitch in the first place. I was totally committed to not acknowledging her b-day because I let her go (in words but not from my heart) and that would coorespond to letting her go. But I do not know how that plays out (if it does) in the WAW mind. My W is very sentimental and has kept everything email and all (even now) and knowing her I think it would impact her one way or the other (mind reading...I know).
I have been reading the threads of the WAS and it appears that they are as confused as the LBS
Yeah, but if they aren't calling, they probably aren't confused about what you are confused about.
Just accept that your marriage as you knew it is dead. Let it go. You want to send a two word email, go ahead. It won't hurt your relationship with her because basically there isn't one right now.
Just the fact that you are torturing yourself over whether or not to do that, however, tells me you need to shift your focus to you
Send "Happy Birthday", and then tell me what are your plans for the weekend.
Last edited by TimeHeals; 09/09/1001:33 PM.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
Or funny works... "Happy Birthday! I baked you a special birthday cupcake, but then I tried to stick a bunch of candles on top of it, and ... well, you don't need to see that-smile".
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
