Beyond Depression..but still a losing battle?

[nicole8]

Lucky-- our situations are so similar in many ways. My H and I have no children but the things that he says and does are so similar. We have been separated and together over the last year so many times. I too believe he suffers from ADHD, anxiety and/or depression. Over the last year he has told me so many different things about how he feels. Some of the things he has said are: He feels lost, broken, empty, doesn't know why he feels the way he does yet he can't explain it to me. He's broken down crying on some occassions. He gets a lump in his throat and feels like he can't breath. He thinks he is a failure and no good for me and thinks that the only bad decision I made in my life was marrying him. He doesn't think he'll ever make more money and be able to support me. He'll never make it in school, and on and on. I could go on all night.

However, during this time he has told me a few different times that he thinks he is depressed but is unwilling to see a therapist or get medication. He is a man and it is unacceptable in his opinion for him to need "help" and doesn't want to feel weird by taking medication. Basically he thinks he needs to just tough it out. Yet he doesn't know why he is acting the way he is. About a month ago he heard a commercial advertising medication for ADHD and it upset him that he could answer "yes" to all of the symptoms they listed. He brought it up again and said that he was thinking of going to see someone about it. I was so relieved that he was making a step forward towards treatment hopefully.

However, he left our home again because he started talking with the OW he has been seeing off and on for about a year. This happened about 3 weeks ago. Each time he leaves he goes to his mom's house where he does nothing but chase after this girl. He texts her non-stop all day. It is really pathetic and ridiculous. While he does this he will be down right rude and mean to me, tell me we need to be divorced. Then he'll flip and start questioning if we are ever going to talk again and if I hate him. He goes back and forth about what he wants. Very frustrating.

I finally contacted the OW this last time he took up talking with her again. She told me she had no idea we were reconciling our marriage and that he had even been home multiple times over the last year. We had a very long text conversation and she confirmed everything I thought or felt about their relationship. She said he has lied to her many times about filing for divorce and multiple other things. At the end of July he wouldn't stop calling/texting her that she finally called the police. This happened about the time he came home to our house. Well then they ran into each other about a month later and she said that she does still care about him because she thinks he is messed up but that she doesn't think they can even be friends. Yet as far as I know they are still in contact and my husband is convinced that we need to be divorced. Our D should happen sometime before the end of this month. I don't really know what he is doing. Our house is on the market, but I fully expect that he will hit another low and be back here crying. Maybe not who knows.

I know his Mom is worried about him. I'm worried for him but cannot even have a normal conversation with him at this point. His roller coaster of emotions go back and forth. The other night he was just texting/calling because he thinks I hate him and he was having a bad day. Then 24 hours later I'm the devil and he blames me for everything. He accusses me of anything he can come up with to try and get a rise out of me.

I've talked with a therapist and he has opened my eyes about how a person with depression thinks. He said someone with depression sees their world in two ways. Bad and it will never get any better. This is how my H portrays his life moving forward. His life is bad and will never get any better and being married to me will drag me down and that I don't deserve that. Yet I'm sure he isn't saying this to the OW. My therapist said it isn't uncommon for someone with depression to use an A or EA as a way to cope with their depression. He also said it isn't odd that he gets in these complete fits where he goes around trying to do everything all at once and then become depressed because he got little or nothing done. It is also not uncommon for someone who is suffering from depression to also use anger as a way to cope with the depression. This rang a bell in my head. My H has lashed out with anger at me for a few years now and it all makes sense now. I do think he has been depressed for quite awhile and is just now fed up with it and acting out.

I'm not sure this is helpful at all but I found your sitch very intersting and wish you and your S the best.