What is the best way to approach this now that I know it was a guy, not sure if ea, pa or both, but its a few months old and I dont know the guy, its an old college friend.
WF, below is the standard advice I give just about everybody. Since you already have proof of her cheating, I'd proceed directly to thinking about whether or not you want to try a "2a" or a "2b" approach. Click on the links and check out some of the other threads that will explain each one better; reasonable people disagree about which is the better way to go. What I like about "2a" is that you can still do "2b" if it doesn't work, but you really can't do it the other way around.
Puppy
"Puppy's Short Version, All-Inclusive Advice" for Waylayed Spouses Who Just Got Bombed"
1. Get proof (of whether or not there's OM/OW). Hint: There almost always is.
2. Do either:
2a. Aggressive affair-busting (see Allen A's posts over in Infidelity)
Those are the only two things I've seen work. If #1 turns up nothing, then proceed to #2b. And in the meantime, GAL your ass off, and become the better option. Best case, you'll attract them back, and at a minimum you'll become a better person that will be more attractive to SOMEBODY in your next relationship.
Ok, I am going with aggressive busting, i have been a wimp since i have returned from training, which is very unlike me, i am usually an assertive and confident person. I feel like i can bring it up with a pretty cool attitude. I am not able to let this continue without making her aware that I know.
Wish me luck!!!!!
Me 25 W 28 M 5yr S 18MO Big Argument 6/13 (Anniversary) Left for Military Training 6/14 Return 7/12 Seperated 8/1 D Bomb 8/7 EA Discovered 9/7 EA Busted 9/8
OK, so I confronted her about it, she resisted at first, then gave in and admitted to an EA. I told her that I could forgive and move on from the past but that it had to stop now.
Amazingly she said she was relieved to be found out because it was making her miserable. When i had asked her out on a date before she had said that it felt like a wall was up. After the confrontation she asked if we could start with some small dates, because she could let the wall of guilt go. She says she needs to cut the EA.
Hopefully things all work out well, Now I am going to focus on nurturing this behavior without becoming overly excited.
Thank you all for the advice, that paired with my own gut feelings towards my wife gave me a pretty good plan that I feel she responded to well.
Me 25 W 28 M 5yr S 18MO Big Argument 6/13 (Anniversary) Left for Military Training 6/14 Return 7/12 Seperated 8/1 D Bomb 8/7 EA Discovered 9/7 EA Busted 9/8
I broke a lot of DB suggestions during our conversation, and I think it worked well. I was nice, calm, understanding, and after we broke through the EA wall our conversation turned to discussing our situation in a way we havent been able to since I returned from training.
I think if I had followed the outline on the affair busting chart that my outcome would not have been this good. If I had said she had 5 minutes to decide and threatened to expose it to everyone she would have felt pressured. My approach of being calm and understanding were also a part of my 180. The stern "my way or the highway" approach is the old me. In previous arguments I would push like Michele to Jim, and if she wouldnt resolve it with me i would increase intensity and raise my voice, but she doesnt respond well to that. By studying her behavior I was able to make more progress when communicating.
I told her that I didnt even need to know the details of everything that had happened up to this point, that I could forgive it because I had basically been having an EA with myself, which left little room for her in my life. After we work on becoming closer and our relationship has improved a lot perhaps then we will feel the need to disclose anything that has been left unsaid. I do not want further guilt to keep her from taking steps forward to bring our family back together.
Right now I am solution based, I think digging into the details of everything at this point in time is counter productive. I will act "as if" she did break contact, and not look into the phone records to see if they are still talking (at least for a while----possibly never if things continue to improve). This gives her the opportunity to do right without pressure from me. If it turns out she cant do that, then it may not be worth saving anyway. I felt like she would stop it. When she left she took DB with her.
I do value your input, but I have to weigh everyting i've read and been suggested properly with my own gut feelings about my marriage so that when this is all said and done, good or bad outcome, it will be my outcome. And I can be at peace about that.
Me 25 W 28 M 5yr S 18MO Big Argument 6/13 (Anniversary) Left for Military Training 6/14 Return 7/12 Seperated 8/1 D Bomb 8/7 EA Discovered 9/7 EA Busted 9/8
I think you need to break this into two very distinct pieces. The first part is how firmly you deliver your boundaries, how much time you give her to decide, the tone you use, etc., etc. You know your wife best, and reasonable people can disagree about all that, but nowhere in my post was I even addressing this, or even suggesting that you be an ass about it. I was ONLY addressing the need for:
- a no-contact letter to be sent to OM, so that he is VERY clear that your wife is ending it with him, and working on her marriage, and he is to respect that and never contact her again; and
- a transparency plan between you and your wife, so that the no-contact "sticks," and so you can feel safe again in the relationship.
I'm glad to hear that you're "solution-based." I am too. This is not just my opinion, but the work of the best infidelity researchers, authors and counselors: without a good FT/MC (who specializes in infidelity), no-contact, and full transparency, the recidivism rate for affairs is EXTREMELY high -- I'd put it northward of 80%.
And I'm sorry, this:
Originally Posted By: worried father
Right now I am solution based, I think digging into the details of everything at this point in time is counter productive. I will act "as if" she did break contact, and not look into the phone records to see if they are still talking (at least for a while----possibly never if things continue to improve). This gives her the opportunity to do right without pressure from me. If it turns out she cant do that, then it may not be worth saving anyway. I felt like she would stop it. When she left she took DB with her.
is just naive. Affairs are highly ADDICTIVE, and the person trying to end one is an ADDICT. You don't take an addict and "give them the opportunity to do right," -- you get the booze out of the house, get them into AA, get them a sponsor, and put the system in place around them to maximize their chance of a successful recovery.
In my opinion, you've unilaterally disarmed. I would at LEAST encourage you to keep an unknown-to-her intel channel in place to make sure you're not being played, or -- more likely (because I do think your wife is sincere) -- so that the OM doesn't wear down her will and the affair re-ignite.
P.S. For the record, your answer should have been:
Wife: she asked if we could start with some small dates, because she could let the wall of guilt go. She says she needs to cut the EA.
WF: "I'm afraid it's not that easy anymore. I have a lot to think about."
What I was trying to get across here, WF, is the basic concept of "Never just jump at the first offer," (SOLUTION-BASED), and also the very important distinction that needs to be communicated to a wayward spouse, and that is this:
Often, a wayward spouse will basically give you a "Promise me things will be different, and I will end my affair" declaration, instead of the needed "I will end my affair, and we can work together, unencumbered by a third person, to make our marriage different and better than before." The first, WRONG way, will sometimes be in the form of "Let's just try dating each other again," or it may be all about moving back into the home without conditions, or it may be something else, but it's designed to very skillfully keep both plates spinning on their sticks -- you and OM. All you'll do is move from him as #1 and you as the backup plan, to you maybe as #1 and HIM as the backup plan, but there's still no real commitment to END THE AFFAIR, and to put the no-contact/transparency system in place that's needed to keep it from re-igniting.
I do value your input, but I have to weigh everyting i've read and been suggested properly with my own gut feelings about my marriage so that when this is all said and done, good or bad outcome, it will be my outcome. And I can be at peace about that.
You may want to consider that it is our "gut feelings" that often got us to this awful place to begin with.
