I hate the term children are resilient, no they are the losers I hate watching my kids go through this. The children are resilient crap is what is put out by the divorce industry. Divorce hurts children just look at the stats of children of divorced parents google them its scary.
Unhealthy relationships between the parents hurts the children.
A lack of good role models hurts the children.
The anger between the parents hurts the children.
That is why is it so important to forgive the other parent. You can love the other parent but not be in love with them.
That is also why it is important to fight for 50/50 parenting plan. Any other balance sends messages to the children that one parent loves them more (or less)....
Any other thoughts
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I don't know. I don't think anyone knows until their child is grown and se how they handle their own relationships. Right now my kids seem to be ok with everything. But I won't know for sure until they are older. I just do everything I can to lessen the impact and pray for the best.
Me 30 H 29 DC 9, 7, 2 M 4 years, T 6 years ILYBINILWY Bomb: 8/8/10 He doesn't want to work, I'm slowly getting there too Physically separating end of September
Unhealthy relationships between the parents hurts the children.
A lack of good role models hurts the children.
The anger between the parents hurts the children.
These can be "truths" whether their is a divorce or not.. I know of MANY marriages that could easily be said that they have done just as much harm to the children while married.
Just because two people don't divorce or breakup doesn't mean that the relationship is healthy, doesn't mean that the parents are good role models and certainly doesn't mean there is no anger between husband and wife..
So, in some cases it may very well be BETTER for the children in the long run..
Don't be naive about reality and truth... It may or it may not be better for the children if the parents divorce... Each relationship has different dynamics...
My kids seem to be doing very well with the situation, but we have only been separated for a week. I said something about this being no good to my D tonight and she said she didn't care. She was ok. I think she is just putting up a good front, but so many kids are going through this these days maybe they just accept it as a fact of life.
My kids took the separation really bad. They were 6 and (almost) 5. As months went by, I realised my kids emotions mirrored mine. Not 100% but at least by 70% (if you can measure that with %). thta's when I felt really guilty for the devastation they lived through my devastation the first couple of months. That's when I realised I was the strongest role model they had. (Thank God, my brother (their uncle) stepped in and became their male role model).
So, kids are deeply affected by the divorce but I tend to believe kids are affected because of the way their parents deal with it and all the consequences a divorce brings (standard of living, step dads, step moms, change of routines, 2 houses etc etc). It's not a theoritical-vague thing. These are things we can improve, affect and decide how to handle.
2 weeks ago, I spent a few days with my best gf and her family. She is in a miserable marriage with a man that over the years became unbearable.He puts her down in public and in private, calls her name, repeats all the things she is not good at and how he provides her with luxury and how lucky she should feel about that. He gambles online, I believe he is cheating (she just found out she has a skin disease which by 98% is sexually transmitted etc etc). She lives in a state of horror, scared of the next time he will have a fit. During our days together, she told me she wont ever divorce him. That she is miserable and has accepted her life's joy will come from her kids, friends and family. In her head she cant see him contributing to her happiness in any way (how could she?) but will not divorce him.
I had noticed my godchild, her daughter (9 yrs old) acting funny before. While we were there, the kid had a fit. She put her mom down to me, called her names and treated her with major direspect. My friend stood there, not reacting probaly used to that. I walked up to the little girl and told her calmly but firmly that she should NEVER treat her mom like this again, period. She stopped and apologised. I looked at my friend and told her she has many things to reconsider. This girl is acting like her dad. I dont wish for them to divorce but I do believe the situation they live in, is very very unhealthy unless something changes, the kids will be grown ups with major issues with their Rs. K
I think many LBS cling to the idea that divorce is horrible for the children not out of concern for the children (though they do love them) but out of a desperation that this is yet another thing that can hold their WAS closer.
The studies seem to indicate that in the case of volatile, destructive marriages divorce can have a less detrimental impact on children. However, in the scenario of the WAW, it is often the case that the family life as it applies to the children is stable and quite good. Yanking that away from them has an impact on their ability to feel secure, trust, etc., that is completely independent of how the parents deal with the divorce and each other. For instance, if the parents deal with it with neutrality and detachment, they demonstrate that marriage has little value and it is normal and acceptable to just walk away from it if it isn't exactly what one or both parties want. I read a book that referred to that at the consumer approach to marriage.
I think many LBS cling to the idea that divorce is horrible for the children not out of concern for the children (though they do love them) but out of a desperation that this is yet another thing that can hold their WAS closer.
I can only speak from my sich, and this is not what’s going on in mine. Every women’s pro divorce web sight has the quote children are resilient you do not find this quote on pro marriage websites. As a LBS it's my job to make the best of a bad sich for my kids. It’s impossible not to see the effect its having on my kids.
Originally Posted By: readytochange
Unhealthy relationships between the parents hurts the children.
A lack of good role models hurts the children.
The anger between the parents hurts the children.
I believe each of these of these statements to be true, but think they apply to a small minority of families. If your family is normal and there is no abuse which I think according to DR is 90% of all divorces then keeping the family intact is better for the kids.
If anyone can post the positive effects of divorce on children I would love to read them.
M40, W 37 M 11 1/2 y T 13 y D filed 5-18-10 S 5-29-10 OM1 discovered 6-5-10 Counter sued for d 6-16-10 OM2 discovered 8-10-10 OM3, OM4 4 kids 10, 7, & 3 D date 10-14-10 http://tiny.cc/mxzct
I believe each of these of these statements to be true, but think they apply to a small minority of families. If your family is normal and there is no abuse which I think according to DR is 90% of all divorces then keeping the family intact is better for the kids.
How is the family going to remain in tact if mom takes an overdose of sleeping pills because she's that miserable?
This is where empathy is helpful.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
I believe each of these of these statements to be true, but think they apply to a small minority of families. If your family is normal and there is no abuse which I think according to DR is 90% of all divorces then keeping the family intact is better for the kids.
How is the family going to remain in tact if mom takes an overdose of sleeping pills because she's that miserable?
This is where empathy is helpful.
TH
You need to read more carefully. 40 is referring to marriages where there is no abuse. Moreover, if mom is miserable enough to overdose on sleeping pills while married, there is no basis for believing that she wouldn't do so after being divorced. Indeed, it is more likely that she would do so.
