I thought CB meant Constant Bullsh!t? I like that better.
Originally Posted By: A_goodman
She said she feels free and alive with me not around. She is way more productive and is happy to get up in the morning and get stuff done. Then right before I show back up, the depression sets back in. Said she still feels oppressed in my presence. ouch.
I got on anti-depressants due to my distraught feelings over my sitch. When W complained about being depressed,I suggested she get on some too for a short while. She told me, "I don't need to, 'cause I'm fine when you're not around!" She isn't fine ever, but whatever she wants to think is fine with me.
Originally Posted By: A_goodman
I've read Doodi's thread a couple of times. I feel bad for her and it's helped me have empathy for my W. of course the sitch's are not exactly the same. I've never been abusive, so I see even less reason for all this. But I'm at piece with my self. I hope it stays with me.
I really like the thread from nostoneunturned and sunny days is pretty ggod to for a view into the dark side. Check them out too!
Funny how strong the "script" is. If it weren't for this place, I'd be REALLY confused. It's still unbelievable to hear this stuff, but at least I know it's part of the deal. I still find it freaky that there's all these people who've never met that all sing the exact same song.
If I weren't in close, I'd be really fascinated by it. Somebody ought to study this. Somebody else.
ADAPT. OVERCOME. IMPROVISE. -Tom Highway
Me: 43 W: 40 S12 & S9 Married 17yrs Together 20yrs
"I have been thinking about something you said the other day. I would like to understand it better. You said you feel oppressed around me. Why do you feel that way?"
Then buckle up, hopefully she will spew all over you. If she doesn't talk then I would say, "I want you to be happy. If I am doing something that is oppressing you then I would like to know." It's now her choice.
Pick a time when that's best. Energy levels high and it's in a neutral place - backyard or kitchen. If she is wound that tight you want her to let off steam, she needs to know you can handle her emotions and still lead. Make sense?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I took your advice. No spewage. She just kind of shrugged and marble-mouthed a bunch of "I'm not sure's". We had MC yesterday and I brought it up again. She kinda went down that path for a while and then found her way to just not sure if she'll ever feel "it" again for me. MC went after that and W really focused alot on unknowingly having all these expectations of how she thought I would be and how life would be.
We have lived a life of transitional periods in which we had to live with certain time restrictions and budgets. It seems to her like we are never going to finally be where she always imagined we would. Where life would be what she wanted it to be. Nice house, no car issues, no money issues, friends able to pop in. She always thought I'd spend my weekends doing projects and puttering about the yard. All her friends seem to have it better than we do and she's ready to be finally "grown up" in a grown up relationship. And I never really turned into the guy she wanted. She remembered a conversation early when we first met in which she told me to grow up and take life seriously. I do too, We were in college. She was always type-A and I was Jimmy Buffet taking it all in as it came to me.
She's wanted out of our house since the day we moved in. I out a lot of sweat into the house and I love it there. We live in a historic neighborhood and the surrounding areas are a little rough. I see her point and agreed to move at the outset of this, but too late. I really thouht it wasn't as big a deal as it is. FAIL.
She just doesn't see things the way I do. I saw all those periods of struggle as an adventure we were facing together. Back-to-back against all comers. And I also thought, and still do, that life is not linear. It's fits and starts. It's rising up and getting knocked back down, but eventually moving forward. We are vastly different people and it has always been thus.
After MC , I was very resigned. Not sure why, nothing earth-shattering happened, but still. Outside, I asked her if she felt like we were accomplishing anything. She said she never had any expectations that this would help US, but that she felt like it was helping her immensly. She has been able to sort through things better.
I told her that I was glad. That I wanted her to be able to be happy again. I want us both to be happy again. I told her that we'll keep going, but that my expectations had changed dramatically. I started this in an all-out effort to save us, but now I think its better if we just can be happy even if that means she has to go. I told her I loved her. Reminded her that ILY is the first part of ILYBNILWY, and that I want her to be happy.
She asked me if that was an admission. I think she was baiting me a little. I told her that it probably was, but that I'm not really sure. I think she was a little shocked to hear me say it. She asked what that meant. she knew what it meant, but i said the words: "I don't know if I'm in love with you anymore. I know I love you and I always will. I'm just not sure about whether it's there for me either. This has been hard, and I'm really tired." She said ILY too and I drove off to pick up the kids.
I felt really down last night. Worked out and went out for a cigar. I lurked around last night a little, but just couldn't seem to get motivated to write all this down.
I guess the last strand of the rope is the one that hurts the most.
ADAPT. OVERCOME. IMPROVISE. -Tom Highway
Me: 43 W: 40 S12 & S9 Married 17yrs Together 20yrs
We've been back and forth a lot tonight but this post has hit me solid.
Quote:
I started this in an all-out effort to save us, but now I think its better if we just can be happy even if that means she has to go.
Is pretty much what my H has said the last 2 days. He has just finished explaining it again that he gets it and that now he recognizes he made this bed and pushed me to this point so he has to accept what comes next--good or bad. But the question is, am I ready for the rest of the story. Am I ready for it to play out similar to your sitch.
I'm sorry that you've reached this point. It's obvious that you have given it your all. Hold your head up and remember this to shall pass.
Smooches, Doodi
"I feel like Rocky in the fifteenth round, beaten beyond recognition, when I realize, the only person I've been fighting for is...myself."
We've been back and forth a lot tonight but this post has hit me solid.
Quote:
I started this in an all-out effort to save us, but now I think its better if we just can be happy even if that means she has to go.
Is pretty much what my H has said the last 2 days. He has just finished explaining it again that he gets it and that now he recognizes he made this bed and pushed me to this point so he has to accept what comes next--good or bad. But the question is, am I ready for the rest of the story. Am I ready for it to play out similar to your sitch.
I'm sorry that you've reached this point. It's obvious that you have given it your all. Hold your head up and remember this to shall pass.
Smooches, Doodi
Are you sure Doodi, that your H is not lurking here?
I know what you mean about feeling resigned. We can say the right things, tell her we agree with her and want her to be happy. We can even tell our W's that we're not sure that we're in love with them anymore and actually mean it. I know that I do. I don't like the person that my W has become and I understand that she didn't like who I had become.
I was never ready to throw in the towel on our M. She is. So is yours. When does it become something not worth fighting for? Our W's have reached that point. Even though I'm not in love with her right now, I haven't got to the point of thinking it's not worth trying. For her, for me, for the kids.
But, like Coach points out in the Stockdale Paradox, we have to accept the sitch as is. We still have hope and, for me, I can't come to truly agree that we would all be better off going our separate ways.
I didn't mean to get so long winded.
I understand feeling down and I understand why you felt down even though there was no new information. I get it.
This isn't easy even when we finally do things the "right" way. Expect to feel down from time to time and realize it is normal. Then, get back to business.
The more I read here, the more resigned I get. I still don't get the ILYBNILWY. I;m not going there. Never will. Either I love her, or I don't. Actually, I am beginning to despise her. The more I figure about about where we are headed financially, the worse it gets. I may hate her before this is all said and done. I'll wish her "unhappiness and misery", like she did to her OM, "because that is what she deserves".
I'm going to Amsterdam in a couple of weeks. May have to buy a sandwich! F-em.
