My New LBS Reality

[irishblessings]

So the day ends. I have seriously been at the end of my rope! I need to ask for help and I keep avoiding it. I hate putting anyone out - but I am sinking deeper and deeper into a hole from being overwhelmed from the day to day life challenges of raising a 16 year old / being available to two 20 something Ds who are trying to navigate life / working 50-60 hours per week / and maintaining a house that is falling down around me. I end up feeling sad and inadequate over the simplest things - because in the past H and I were partners and we could share the burdens which made them easier to handle. I'm trying to figure out what I am working towards - I can't seem to see beyond the day. Anytime I think beyond - I can't seem to keep H out of it - it's more of my denial. He is gone. He is not coming home. He is not in love with me any longer. He no longer wants what we had once envisioned. I will not be sharing my life with him.

So...I am here. I have my home. I have the love of my kids, friends, and family. I still want to be debt free in 2 years. I want to have my house completed and welcoming. I want to travel and visit family and friends. I want to improve my relationship with God. I want to demonstrate care to my extended family and friends. I want to be healthy and attractive and grateful. I want to keep improving my performance at work. I want to be more thoughtful. I want to be more organized. I want to learn to garden. I want to actually complete scrapbooks for the kids.

Is this enough to fulfill me? I still want to share my life with a partner. I want to come home at night and talk to someone, be held by someone, be loved by someone. I can't imagine that someone to be anyone other than H. I sometimes feel foolish or maybe even arrogant that I can't believe he doesn't want me or want what we had. It was special. This is where that line between denial and hopefulness gets blurry for me.

H did horrible things to me. He said horrible things to me. He has abandoned me, humiliated me, deceived me. But at the same time, for years he held me when I cried, made me laugh, was proud of my accomplishments, showed confidence in me, was a great father.

This is my life...I have no idea what I am doing!