The year of not my problem

[AJM]

Journaling:
I received the returned sep agreement today from my lawyer. I was guessing that it would be soon - been more than three weeks and I suspected after our last encounter that she would approve whatever the lawyer said. It's a pattern. Not guessing her thoughts - can't do that and I get that.

I was reading some other posts a little while ago and was reminded of something Top O said to me once. He was the Marine Top at the MEPP station. I didn't sign that day because they were trying to put things in the contract I wouldn't agree to. He kept me in his office a while and then looked at me over his desk and said, "what makes you think the Marine Corps will want you when you're ready?" I didn't miss a beat and told him I would take that chance because it wasn't acceptable to me the way it was structured. We parted friends.

The reminder is this: what makes somebody think they can treat you a certain way or walk away and that you'll be there when they decide to come back? The answer of course is the same: doesn't matter.

And that is my thought for today. It really doesn't matter. What does matter is my self-esteem and confidence and most especially my kids. They are suffering horribly and there is not a damn thing I can do about that.

After reading her response, I was annoyed at first. It barely changed. The AOA is still in there which indicates to me that she is hiding something more. Know what? I may actually follow through on that to recoup some of the damages to the kids and savings. If I did, I would bring it up as publicly as I could. Dr Phil anyone?

Seriously. I don't want to do that. But at the same time I cannot be pushed any further than I have. These were her decisions and choices. She made them, not me. I never had a say in them. That was the other thought today - This all really had very little to do with me. I see that looking back that DB concepts didn't mean much because it wasn't about me. This is something else. What? I haven't a clue.

I am ok with that. I am not ok with being pushed even more. I am not ok with having to look at her and the guilt that she wears. I am not ok with her trying to control me and disrespect me.

She once mentioned we would be friends. I find that it won't be possible because there is no mutual respect. There won't be either since she is still the most selfish person I've ever met. She became that. Wasn't always the case. I remember loving her deeply. To be honest, I still do. Curse my black heart, right? But that's not the same as wanting a relationship with her. I do not. Neither do I want to see harm come to her. I plain do not want to see her, which surprises me since I still have trouble with the letting go the rest of the way. I accept that I will have trouble with that for a while. I am not a light switch. I am still being persecuted and she is still trying to hurt and control me.

I received an email from her last night. She wanted to let me know that she will be out of town this weekend and that she made arrangments for the kids to be at a friends tomorrow night. Ok. I could have done without the being told she was going to be out of town. Not important really. Really didn't need to know the kids were going to be at somebody else's house on a night they are supposed to be with her. I see the pattern. She wanders away from them as often as she can. They were with me this past weekend because, although it was her weekend she was out of town.
The pattern is that she is barely able to be a mom.

It saddens me to think she is so broken that this once wonderful woman can't even spend the time with her kids that they so desperately are asking for. Begging. I see signs of them giving up. I see the anger and hurt. I see the bottled up feelings they have. The confusion. It saddens me. It angers me as well. For their sake. I can recover from this and am nicely. They deserve better.

I know I know. They will make their own relationship with her. But it's going to be a long road for the kids. I'm not worried about her too much. Truth be told, I see that she is barely able to keep herself on the rails. And has had that problem for a very long time now.

That is the key to me. The key to keeping compassion in all of this. And not hating or becoming bitter. My thought process is this: do I want to be the reason she dies a slow, unhappy death? Even though I know it doesn't have to be that way, I know that she is incapable of doing it any other way at this point. At least in her own mind. I do feel somewhat sorry for her. The guilt. The pain. The confusion. The anger. The hatred. The confusion. (worth mentioning twice). The alienation. The pressure. The realization and subsequent effort to change history must be near unbearable. I know when I came close to doing that (nuttiness is infectious) it was not a pleasant thing to see.

So I am left with few choices. Because being a guy in this state leaves you automatically guilty. That's ok. I am not interested in the assets. Just the kids. The rest can burn down and I'm fine with that. I can rebuild an even better life. Once the arrows stop flying I can do so unfettered. Until then, there will be some hurdles. Some challenges. Ok. I can live with that. I have lived with that.

One choice I have to figure out is how to let the go the rest of the way. By that I mean faithfully. See, I am not one to lightly make a comittment nor to break one. My faith is mixed into this as well, as I made a promise to God. Hard to reconcile letting go with that promise. Any takers for that conversation?

Peace to you and yours. I know I am much closer to peace now. I like that. I like me so much more without her. I never thought I'd say that. That I would have the courage to say that.