New to this Community seeking advice

[MichelleLT]

Doodi - usually the LBS ends it because they get sick of waiting and/or decide they are done with the D finalizes. The other thing we see happen is that the WAS comes back and the LBS can't move past the betrayals (this is usually with affairs) and decides to end it anyways.

In all cases however, the actions of the LBS definitely influence the WAS. In that respect, the LBS has some control over whether the M continues or ends.

JR - in your case there have been no As, you haven't experienced the lies and emotional abuse that a WAS in the midst of an affair or MLC dishes out. You can empathize with what your W was dealing with and why she decided to leave. It was a wake-up call for you. You have a far better chance than many of the people on here both due to the length of your M and the fact that the S was not precipitated by an A or MLC.

Maybe she will, maybe she won't. Either way keep working on you. That will pay off regardless.

Puppy posted something on another thread that I thought was very relevant.

My wife asked me both during -- and after -- her affair, why I was fighting for her. Why I hadn't kicked her out immediately. I told her:

- because I took a wedding vow, before God, and I took that very seriously. It was not "for better or for better yet," it was "for better or for WORSE";

- because I loved her, and we had a lot of shared history together;

- because I didn't want to demonstrate to our four children that when things get tough, you cut and run. You make a stand and fight for what is important to you, for as long as you can, to the best of your ability;

- because if the situation were reversed, and I had say a gambling or alcohol addiction, I would hope that she would do the same and fight for ME;

- and because I didn't want to go to my death bed with REGRETS, that I should have tried harder. If I was going to err, I was going to err on the side of trying to save my marriage and keep my family intact.

What keeps you going?

You need to think of some goals for yourself. I know you said you are going to try and be more friendly, increase contact a little. Break that down, be specific.

And remember, it's always about you. I will do X.

You are already calling the kids X times a week at set times.
You are already going to the gym and doing other GAL stuff.
Keep that all up. But maybe set some goals regarding your W.

What did she used to nag you about? What were her complaints? What did she always want to do in the M or see more of? Can you do any of these things long distance? Have you been working on active listening?

I'm just trying to help you brainstorm, certainly don't just answer my questions.

Things are slowly getting better. The co-parenting is going better, you are seeing and talking to the kids more. She is more flexible. That is all great.

So keep the changes going! And always try and keep building on them. Don't get complacent. Shoot, move, communicate.

John - yeah, that's by far the most common scenario on these boards.