tired of this

[A_goodman]

Coach,

I took your advice. No spewage. She just kind of shrugged and marble-mouthed a bunch of "I'm not sure's". We had MC yesterday and I brought it up again. She kinda went down that path for a while and then found her way to just not sure if she'll ever feel "it" again for me. MC went after that and W really focused alot on unknowingly having all these expectations of how she thought I would be and how life would be.

We have lived a life of transitional periods in which we had to live with certain time restrictions and budgets. It seems to her like we are never going to finally be where she always imagined we would. Where life would be what she wanted it to be. Nice house, no car issues, no money issues, friends able to pop in. She always thought I'd spend my weekends doing projects and puttering about the yard. All her friends seem to have it better than we do and she's ready to be finally "grown up" in a grown up relationship. And I never really turned into the guy she wanted. She remembered a conversation early when we first met in which she told me to grow up and take life seriously. I do too, We were in college. She was always type-A and I was Jimmy Buffet taking it all in as it came to me.

She's wanted out of our house since the day we moved in. I out a lot of sweat into the house and I love it there. We live in a historic neighborhood and the surrounding areas are a little rough. I see her point and agreed to move at the outset of this, but too late. I really thouht it wasn't as big a deal as it is. FAIL.

She just doesn't see things the way I do. I saw all those periods of struggle as an adventure we were facing together. Back-to-back against all comers. And I also thought, and still do, that life is not linear. It's fits and starts. It's rising up and getting knocked back down, but eventually moving forward. We are vastly different people and it has always been thus.

After MC , I was very resigned. Not sure why, nothing earth-shattering happened, but still. Outside, I asked her if she felt like we were accomplishing anything. She said she never had any expectations that this would help US, but that she felt like it was helping her immensly. She has been able to sort through things better.

I told her that I was glad. That I wanted her to be able to be happy again. I want us both to be happy again. I told her that we'll keep going, but that my expectations had changed dramatically. I started this in an all-out effort to save us, but now I think its better if we just can be happy even if that means she has to go. I told her I loved her. Reminded her that ILY is the first part of ILYBNILWY, and that I want her to be happy.

She asked me if that was an admission. I think she was baiting me a little. I told her that it probably was, but that I'm not really sure. I think she was a little shocked to hear me say it. She asked what that meant. she knew what it meant, but i said the words: "I don't know if I'm in love with you anymore. I know I love you and I always will. I'm just not sure about whether it's there for me either. This has been hard, and I'm really tired." She said ILY too and I drove off to pick up the kids.

I felt really down last night. Worked out and went out for a cigar. I lurked around last night a little, but just couldn't seem to get motivated to write all this down.

I guess the last strand of the rope is the one that hurts the most.