The site is good because it keeps us newbies honest with tough love. I have found that it is easier to offer advice to others, but when it comes to our own sitch I am totally muddled. I let my W go last week with an apolgy and now applying LRT. Thanks!
I finally sat down and read your thread. It is funny, but I was similar to you in many ways; insecure, low self-esteem, edited all of my W's papers for school (doormat), told her in so many words that I was afraid to lose her and put her on a pedestal. My W did not cook I was the bread winner, my W didn't want for nothing! I lost my value as a person and in her eyes as well.
I do have the intestinal foritude to show her that I am the cock sure guy that she met so many years ago. I have been working on GAL by going to the gym (went from 285lb 44/46 waist to 200 34/36lb waist) and I am feeling good! I took my boys rock climbing over the weekend, which something new and unusual for me. I do admit that I still do things thinking of the end game, but I think that is a natural progression and I realize that I must detach completely.
Last week I anganized about sending W a b-day card/email this week, but reading everyone's advice I have decided not to send anything. She wants me out of her life and I need to detach so why acknowledge her b-day. I hurt my W I know that, but she chose to WA and not work on the M. So why reward her, as you would say, "her B/S behavior."
However, I am not sure if I can continue on the roller coaster ride as long as many on this site have. Don't get me wrong, I love my W, but w/o kids and if she shows no interest in reconciliation then what is the point. I am vested 120% in busting the D, but I realize my value as a person and that there is someone out there who will appreciate and value me. I will continue with GAL so that I become the man that I should have been with my W and stay on this site for valueable coaching and for a few 2x4's when needed.
Hurtinhartford, Watch out for the rock-climbing! My H is a rock-climbing instructor, and the adult class at least seems to be full of 40-somethings on the look-out for company... Only joking, but you made me smile. The OW in my case was/is a very willing and enthusiastic pupil.
I'm trying to make a life for myself, but I'm a little hemmed in by kids and work. I love my kids and am very glad to have them, I would have sunk without trace otherwise. I have to keep my head high for them. However,I have little non-mum and non-work time.
My H is blowing hot and cold (well, lukewarm). He'll come for the kids or meet me in town for a handover, and be cold and irritable. Then he'll ring and speak about this and that, and say "bisous" (kisses) at the end of the conversation. When we were a couple, he was often terse to me on the phone, always on the way out the door, busy etc. I didn't get kisses too often. I don't understand his mood swings. So I'm pleasant, but I try to be the one to end the conversation, or let him leave a message. He can change from cold to warm in the space of 10 minutes.
I'm trying to take an interest in my new place of work, new colleagues.I've been like a zombie since school started (he left 3/4 days before). I've got quite a few nice-ish male colleagues 'round my age and I'm determined to "test" (innocently) what's left of my appeal on them. I've never been a flirt, but maybe that's what a u-turn would be for me...
You said you were taking acting classes . How're they going? Also, I have to congratulate you on the weight loss. I've also lost weight, I'm quite proud of myself. only those who've had a weight problem know how it affects self-esteem and how hard it is to lose!So pat yourself on the back.
She'll have to contact you sometime - you're still married. Give her time. Easy for me to say to you, but I'm very impatient myself. NCU
Me: 46 H:42 Together for 18 yrs, married 14. 3 children: 2 girls 13 and 10, one boy 7. Husband had affair, ended it and then decided on separation. Separated 08/2010
It sounds to me that your H is setting you up as a back-up plan...keep you dangling with a few kisses now and then. That is why he is keeping you hemmed in with the kids so you don't have time to GAL, find yourself and maybe find OM. That is just my outside looking in perspective. I wish I had this clarity in my own sitch, but at least you have communication, which maybe good or bad depending on your actions.
I know that I am focusing on the "end game" too much, but I am also trying to GAL for me so that I become a better me. I am sure that I will transition to that point eventually. Still drives me crazy that W will not even rell me that she "hates me" or "go FYS" at least I would know where I stand. I can still see her email from work and she keeps all of my emails...interesting.
NCU, you do sound better more cheerful and in a better frame of mind. I apologize for my previous negativity I am sort of at a downtime mentally.
Hurtinhartford, Don't apologize. I feel like sh** warmed up myself at times. And aren't you lucky that she's never said nasty things to you? But maybe she doesn't say what she feels, runs away rather than gets it off her chest?
I too would be intrigued if I thought my H was keeping things I gave or sent him now. He has not binned the letters I sent him (before reading DB) or eliminated the few e-mails I sent. But I've never given that much thought before. For my part, I still have on my mobile phone atext he sent me on the 18th of April last, 12 days before the bomb, telling me he was "very sad about" [the affair] and that "nothing was over between us, I mustn't worry". I re-read it now and then, to remind me that people can change.
Let's hope they can also change for the better too. Sometimes I think he's keeping me as a security blanket, sometimes I really think he's confused and oscillating. All I know is that the OW has put him under a "text message terror"regime in the past, that he's the sort to HATE that kind of behaviour, and won't stand it for long. Thus, though it goes against me, I'm staying very quiet and letting him do the running, no pressure from me.
Even though you'd love to prompt a message from her, I'm sure that you're more likely to be successful if you manage to stay dark. If she's sentimental like you say, she'll act sooner or later.
My downtime is on Saturdays and Sundays, epecially at night. Then I feel horrible, alone, a failure, unloved. I feel I've such a lot to give him and he's just turned his back on it, hopes to find better elsewhere.
I try to keep in mind that people want what they can't have. On that principle, I'm being very scarce and breezy. I feel better myself for it and it might work! keep the chin up. NCU
Me: 46 H:42 Together for 18 yrs, married 14. 3 children: 2 girls 13 and 10, one boy 7. Husband had affair, ended it and then decided on separation. Separated 08/2010
I have pulled all of my hair out trying figure out why she doing what she is doing. I know it is wasted energy because she probably doesn't even know other than she wants away from me, but that is my profession fixing broken factories.
These thoughts are starting to dimenish as I progress with GAL and with the help of the vets and their 2x4's. I think sometimes their brutal honesty hurts more than my sitch, but it is necessary to get us to a level so that we can detach.
My weekends are my downtime too especially when I do not have my boys for the weekend. I have spent many of the last weekends at my ex-wife's house just for social occasions.
Believe it or not I am letting go. I was just telling NCU that in the past and sort of right now I was going crazy trying to figure out my W's reasoning for her silence. I know she is detaching...so I realize that I must detach as well and treat her as if she never existed.
To hurtinhartford and all and sundry: What on earth is a 2X4?
and maybe you have a point about professional deformation: you're used to applying principles of engineering to a problem, taking a global view and getting a solution. But this is one problem that doesn't work like that.
Detaching, TimeHeals, is a very nice idea. IDEA.
NCU
Me: 46 H:42 Together for 18 yrs, married 14. 3 children: 2 girls 13 and 10, one boy 7. Husband had affair, ended it and then decided on separation. Separated 08/2010
