Early Parole from the MLC Chain Gang?????

[MHL]

Okay, this morning after my W dropped off our son’s clothes I fixed her a cup of coffee and we talked for a couple of minutes and again the looks and smiles abounded between us, and then as she is leaving the hesitation on her part as if we needed to say something else besides goodbye. She left and I got my stuff together to leave for work.

On my way out I had not checked the mail from the day before and so I grabbed it out of the mailbox. There it was, a letter from the mortgage company that they were going to start foreclosure proceedings unless I did something. This was the situation I called my W about and yes I used it as a reason to initiate a R talk.

I informed her that I was not sure where things were going to go as far as the future of where the kids and I were going to be living. (Don’t worry, I have since called the mortgage company and I can get a modification) We started to talk about things and I brought up “us” and where we are at. She stated that she is going to file and not drag this out. She feels she owes that to me and the kids, (gee thanks).

She talked about how our D13 hates her, won’t talk to her and doesn’t love her anymore. I tried to tell her otherwise but quickly realized that this is just disagreeing with her and dropped it. I told my W that I wanted to talk about us. I told her that we haven’t talked about us and that I have tried to give her as much time and space as I could over the last several months. I told her that even after we ML in June, I never talked about us. She started to open up about some things she has been saying all along that I had questions about.

She feels there is too much “water under the bridge” meaning she has done too much for me to forgive. I did not offer any forgiveness, I did say do you want to be forgiven? And she responded that she can’t forgive herself for the things she has done, so she thinks that will not be able to let it go. I sense remorse but not wanting to deal with it.

She also said she did not want to live under a microscope if she came back, again I just said I understand that, I made sure not to argue nor make promises of what I would do or not do if she came back.

She also said that she remembers the good times, (actually said it twice) but she does not want to go back to the way it was with me getting mad at her all the time. I just validated what she said. What was different is that she took more ownership of how she used to blow up at me, how she used to bottle it up and let it blow. I think she blames how she handled things in the M on how I acted in the marriage, and therefore justifies it. This is a marked difference from previous R discussions. I guess it would really be different if she apologized for blowing up at me in the past.

There is so much more that I am having trouble remembering as I am typing this hours afterwards and honestly it has been an emotionally draining day. The conversation was not tense nor did I sense that she wanted to run from it, but after a while I realized that no amount of talking is going to change things.

I feel like there is so much more to discuss but I don’t know if I am up to it. I have wanted to know how she feels about things for such a long time and she opened up a little today. I am just tired and weary and feeling defeated, I have felt this way before and I thought that I was “done” with these feelings. I know I will overcome this and I will be stronger but right now I am just tired of all this.

Today, I feel like I am the one that took a big step backwards.