Early Parole from the MLC Chain Gang?????

[MHL]

I initiated a relationship talk this morning, yep that’s right the cardinal sin of DBing. Helmet is on and I am strapped in, SWING AWAY.

Why would I do this???

For me, things kind of came to a head this morning, but I did not react emotionally, I do recognize the fact that I used the situation to inquire on how my W was feeling and where our R stood.

It has been 2 weeks since the required year and a day has elapsed in order for one of us to file for divorce. I have not heard anything from her at all concerning her filing. I have actually considered filing myself over the last couple of weeks or at least thinking about it. I felt I had reached a point of detachment and freedom to do with my life what I want and it might involve her and it may not……this is not in my control. I fully accept and embrace that and I can say that I am okay in letting her go, the cage door is open.

A couple of more paragraphs to describe where I am at and I will relate the conversation this morning. I have tried to be somewhat distant and non-interactive with my W over the last 3 to 4 weeks. It has been a little bit of work for me because it is easier for me to be nice, smile and be friendly to anyone, not just my W. I decided last night that I was going to smile at her again and look her in the eyes and be “myself” again, that is who I am……that is me at my core.

Well, I am not sure whether I have more “work” to do, or if I need to detach some more but when I dropped my S with her last night I was myself…..I pulled up to her car and smiled as I approached, I was happy to see her, I hadn’t seen her in 9 days, she smiled back and started to get out of the car. I got out and put my son’s stuff in her back seat and we talked for a minute or two and I looked her in the eyes and smiled and she returned the smile and yes, she looked right back at me. BAM, I get sucked right back in…….the feelings for her came back up to the surface, it is still there, not as strong as it used to be but it is still there, I still love my W.

Where is the switch in my heart that I can hit and turn these feelings off…..if I could find it, I would turn it off and rip it out. I am my own jailer, the title of my sitch is so ironic it really hit me last night. “The MLC Chain Gang”, LOL….as if I am a prisoner and she is holding the keys…..what I have come to realize is that I am holding the keys to the jail cell I have been in. I have been in the cell for years, and I all I have to do is walk out.

I know what I need to do but loving her is all I have ever known. I have walked out of the cell, out of the cell block, through the prisoner yard, and have stood at the gates of the prison and I have breathed in that freedom……last night I ran back into the prison. I am not in a state of pain and suffering but I can remember it and it is still familiar to me, maybe I am running back to touch it because it has defined me for so long.

More on the next post.