"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Well I was going to wait until later this week to post something because I really didn't have anything to post about. Last week on Thursday, August 26th, was a year and a day, the required separation time before you can file for divorce here in North Carolina.
Leading up til this date I have really drawn back from my W, sometimes going 4 and 5 days with no communication and if there was any it was strictly about the kids. There were a couple of moments of clarity on her part but no other significant actions to signal she may be moving towards me.
So, I am waiting to see what will happen this week. Did she file or not? I am pretty sure she does not have the money to do so which really is an indication of nothing other than the fact she is broke, (I am not far behind her, LOL) If she filed, the paperwork has to be delivered one of 2 ways, served by the sherriff's deputy or my certified return receipt mail.
I guess I am waiting to see, thus my waiting to post b/c I thought nothing was happening.
I was wrong………...there is quite a lot happening in ME and I am trying to sort out my thoughts and feelings. And in that process I have been asking myself some pretty hard questions.
Originally Posted By: cat04
Through my journey, more than one time I reached points where I felt "done." I really wasn't. Some days I wanted to be, other days, I just wanted my M back.
I am not sure I have reached a point where I can say anything other than there is something around the corner and I don’t know what it is. I feel myself moving, it feels like I am moving away from my W. I don’t see her as much, I don’t talk to her as much, the interactions are dull and uneventful, and I am not examining those interactions with her anymore like I used to. I am tired and I just don’t care one way or the other.
Is that indifference? Is it another level of detachment? I am not sure.
I will say this…….I don’t think I am “done” but I find myself thinking about it. Thinking about what divorce will be like, it is not what I want but I cannot control it so I better start at least considering it as a real possibility. I ask myself, why are you thinking about this at all and I think it might be b/c of the significance of last week and the ability for her to file. Is that driving all these thoughts?
I find myself thinking about meeting new people, yes dating and what that would be like and how I would integrate that into my life. What does that thought mean? If I am not done, why are these thoughts coming to me.
The thoughts are not desires but rather possibilities of the future. I have not thought about the future for so long that it is strange to consider what it may be like. I had said in a post not to long ago that the if the train has moved down the tracks a bit and my W decides to hop back on then that would be okay, but I have been thinking that I may not want the train to slow down to pick her up even if she wanted to get back on.
Originally Posted By: cat04
If you question your feelings, then you are not ready to make a choice. If you are uncertain, then you are not ready to "move on".
Lots of questions for sure and I know I am not ready to make a choice.
The only thing I can come up with is that b/c the D filing is out of my control, I have considered D as a reality and b/c I am considering it I have questioned where I am at on my journey.
I think it was Mach that told me I was on a journey from NY to LA and that maybe I was in Ohio when I thought I was already in California. Today I know I am traveling on this long journey and not only do I not know what state I am in, I am not even sure if I am headed to LA anymore.
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
So, I am waiting to see what will happen this week. Did she file or not?
How can you know what she is going to do or why? So the day you have been dreading might actually come...
And you're still here man. And you are doing great...
I am proud of you. What you have done in the past few months...
Cause I think
Originally Posted By: missher
Is it another level of detachment? I am not sure.
This is where you are and where you need to be. You were watching every little thing your W was doing and projecting it
...even when you said you weren't.
This is new skin your wearing and it feels a little weird huh?
Originally Posted By: missher
Thinking about what divorce will be like, it is not what I want but I cannot control it so I better start at least considering it as a real possibility.
This is good. You shouldn't be afaid of this anymore. It is not what you want but it takes two not to do this...
It is her right and her choice not to be married to you.
What will Missher be if this happens?
Who will he be?
I know you love your W.
I know you want your M.
THAT does not define you. For a long time we think it does.
You have grown beyond that and it feels funny to let that go.
NOW
You have the opportunity to truly be free.
What will you do with your freedom?
The barn door is open...you can run.
or
stay.
For your own reasons.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
I initiated a relationship talk this morning, yep that’s right the cardinal sin of DBing. Helmet is on and I am strapped in, SWING AWAY.
Why would I do this???
For me, things kind of came to a head this morning, but I did not react emotionally, I do recognize the fact that I used the situation to inquire on how my W was feeling and where our R stood.
It has been 2 weeks since the required year and a day has elapsed in order for one of us to file for divorce. I have not heard anything from her at all concerning her filing. I have actually considered filing myself over the last couple of weeks or at least thinking about it. I felt I had reached a point of detachment and freedom to do with my life what I want and it might involve her and it may not……this is not in my control. I fully accept and embrace that and I can say that I am okay in letting her go, the cage door is open.
A couple of more paragraphs to describe where I am at and I will relate the conversation this morning. I have tried to be somewhat distant and non-interactive with my W over the last 3 to 4 weeks. It has been a little bit of work for me because it is easier for me to be nice, smile and be friendly to anyone, not just my W. I decided last night that I was going to smile at her again and look her in the eyes and be “myself” again, that is who I am……that is me at my core.
Well, I am not sure whether I have more “work” to do, or if I need to detach some more but when I dropped my S with her last night I was myself…..I pulled up to her car and smiled as I approached, I was happy to see her, I hadn’t seen her in 9 days, she smiled back and started to get out of the car. I got out and put my son’s stuff in her back seat and we talked for a minute or two and I looked her in the eyes and smiled and she returned the smile and yes, she looked right back at me. BAM, I get sucked right back in…….the feelings for her came back up to the surface, it is still there, not as strong as it used to be but it is still there, I still love my W.
Where is the switch in my heart that I can hit and turn these feelings off…..if I could find it, I would turn it off and rip it out. I am my own jailer, the title of my sitch is so ironic it really hit me last night. “The MLC Chain Gang”, LOL….as if I am a prisoner and she is holding the keys…..what I have come to realize is that I am holding the keys to the jail cell I have been in. I have been in the cell for years, and I all I have to do is walk out.
I know what I need to do but loving her is all I have ever known. I have walked out of the cell, out of the cell block, through the prisoner yard, and have stood at the gates of the prison and I have breathed in that freedom……last night I ran back into the prison. I am not in a state of pain and suffering but I can remember it and it is still familiar to me, maybe I am running back to touch it because it has defined me for so long.
More on the next post.
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
