Great Advice. In fact, Stop thinking about it all together.
This is a very important time. There is alot to learn. There is alot to accomplish. There is alot of work involved in showing your wife you are the man for the job. If noone else is going to be so brazen to tell out right, then I will.
Get your head screwed on straight. ASAP.
You are all over the place. In one post you are talking retroville, in another your lawyer is advising you on how to file for a divorce you don't want. You have good evenings then a bad mornings. You post on someone else's thread don't believe what they say. But in your own you are stomaching all the blame your wife puts on you. All happy online when a carrot is dangled before you but then you break down and cry in front of her.
You are like a see-saw. You are depressed and confused.
This isn't rocket science and it doesn't take much luck either.
It's called a separation. It is a time for separating yourselves. Time for yourself. Time to think. Time to find yourself. Time to figure out what you want from life and come up with a logical plan on how to obtain it. Crying in front of her. Hypothetically planning on what the court will award for alimony. Relying on a third party retreat to convince your wife you are good enough are not good first steps in the separation process.
Maybe your wife is weird but I have yet to meet a woman who is attracted to needy, emotional, co-dependent men who cannot stand on their own with pride and confidence and self-respect. And who they can't seem to get a break from.
Typically people flee from others like that.
Take a break from the situation, John. To borrow from Rob and Gucci, this is not a time to be mean and vindicitive and stubborn, instead it is a time where you are unsure what you want or if being married is really the right thing for you now. Explore other possibilities. Other adventures. Think about other things than another person for awhile.
Do not be the person that needs to come on here and be told everything will be alright and have their hand held through the entire ordeal. Because if your wife does not find men who need to be told everything is going to be OK and coddled when things are not going their way the type of man she wants to walk next to, then you are going to be walking along without her.
Steve - for some reason when I read that, it felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I don't know why, but I was able to relax reading that.
It is probably the first moment of relaxation I've had in months. I could literally feel my shoulders dropping and becoming less tense.
Thanks, man. I do want to find out who I am again and regain the strength I once had. I used to be a lady-killer, I had more confidence than any man I knew, I was confident - yet not cocky. I was the QB of our intramural football team. I played forward in soccer. I rode a motorcycle with a leather jacket and offered hot girls rides. I sang and played a guitar in a rock band with my own original music. I had 20 friends who called ME every Friday night asking "So what are we up to tonight"?
I knew what I wanted, and I went and got it. My W is a perfect example. She had just finished dating a friend of mine, and I went up to her one night and said:
"So when are you finally going to give me your phone number?"
She chased me. She went after me! She said ILY within 3 days of dating me. She fell deeply in love with me and quick. Why? Because I was a strong individual that everyone gravitated towards.
God, I was such a confident man! I had little to no fear of how things would turn out. I just knew they would be alright. This M has crippled me by both my W and my own doing. I'm a shell of that man I once was. Now instead of being that confident man, I'm just a little wimpy narcisistic man that only thought of himself. That's not who I am.
That is not the person my wife fell in love with.
I learned a lot in the 6 years since I've met her. I've learned to be humble when needed. I've learned modesty is not for the weak. I've learned many positive traits that shaped myself into a better man than the one she met. But, I let the admirably qualities I had before die. I let those things that were exciting and loving about me fade.
That is not the person my wife fell in love with.
She never fell in love with a man. She fell in love with a young-man that had everything going for him, but lacked the life experience to know how to use it. Over time, she fell in love with the man I became, but lost the fire for that young-man I was... that part of me that sent the *spark* into her heart. Without that young-man around, she went and found another. Another exciting young guy who could give her that *spark* again, possibly.
What she doesn't know is that the young-man she loves is still inside me.
That young-man... He's just screaming to come out and show himself admist all of this pain around him. Soon, he'll be strong enough to break through that pain and show the world himself again. He's a tough dude. He can take anything.
If that experienced better-man and the young-man could combine their powers, nothing could stop me.
That is the MAN that she fell in love with.
That is the MAN she wants to be married to.
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
This M has crippled me by both my W and my own doing. I'm a shell of that man I once was.
What do you think your relationship has done to your wife? From what you tell me, you both have some growing to do here, so don't forget that.
Quote:
Now instead of being that confident man, I'm just a little wimpy narcisistic man that only thought of himself. That's not who I am.
Narcisistic? I don't think so. Maybe you had a sense of entitlement, but then so does your wife obviously: she expects you to pay for a lawyer and seperation so she can probably date others without being an adultress, she doesn't want to get a job to support herself, etc.
It's time for both of you to take a long, hard look at what life is really all about, I expect.
Last edited by TimeHeals; 09/08/1008:54 PM.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
Last weekend I was cleaning up the pantry before my W returned from her vacation and found my mojo. It was right there where I had put it - next to my half finished light saber. I was just so busy trying to fix my R that I completely forgot where I had left it.
So I took it, dusted it off and it started glowing. Suddenly I found peace with myself.
The emotional ups and downs seem to be leveling off and I can be the person I was made to be when sky was blue and the Sun was shining.
So I decided to keep my mojo near me and feed it constantly. I know I need it to move forward. If my W will notice, she will follow me. If not, someone else will do that.
Small victory for me tonight that I've been avoiding. I changed the DVR to not record any of her shows. Deleted all of her shows on the DVR.
I know, it may seem stupid to you guys, but I was keeping them so that when she 'came back' she would have all her stuff saved. We only have 1 TV in our house.
Small baby steps, John.
Next step - pack her sh!t up if she comes back from Retrouvaille if nothing is greatly different. I said that before, hold me to it. I'm holding myself to it.
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
Do things for yourself, not your W. Don't do things and wait for a reaction!
Let it all go..and see what happens. That is what I am doing and believe me, it isn't easy , but I have my SELF RESPECT!
My H wants a D or leg sep, I said "okay, let's do it" !! I saw my lawyer today and I feel empowered!!!!
MY life goes on..
I told my H the other day, the grass only stays green IF you water it, meaning if he thinks he can have all the women he wants and a new R he will have to change his MO......It takes TWO to "water " the grass...and it isn't always greener elsewhere.
