Future - Sorry to hear what happened, but hopefully now you have learned your lesson about being nice. I was the same way and agreed to let her have oour daughter sunday nights as a "favor" Ha then when I got a letter from her attorney saying she should be given custodialship because she had her "65%" of the time leaving me with "45%" even though we had the same schedule other then the few hours after the 6pm sunday exchange. I lost it.
I told my attorney to put the "original" schedule in writing and I no longer agree to her keeping her every sunday especially when I found out it was a ploy to gain position.
My advice, decide what YOU want and fight for it. Forget Mr. Nice guy until she shows you the same RESPECT you were showing her. Dont be mean, but matter-of-fact, business only mentality. Part of the WAS mentality is "ENTITLEMENT" it is our job of the LBS to pop that "FANTASY BUBBLE" as fast as we can.
Well waddaya know? Once again, W surprised me. She called me a while ago, very contrite and respectful. She apologized for letting her fear control her actions this morning. She said she knows she acted badly, and that she is determined to concentrate on what's good in her and between us. I apologized in turn, and said I should have seen that she wasn't in a good place to discuss the schedule, and should have insisted that we put it off for another day. She thanked me for that, then said she knows I'm a good loving father, and that she still loves me. She said "We made a good step forward this summer, and I don't want to lose that. I'm frustrated by how we fall into our old dynamic." I said "This phone call isn't our old dynamic." She laughed and said "You're right!"
We agreed that we'd schedule a time to talk about the custody schedule. She said "I truly believe we can make this work between us." I think she was just referring to the custody schedule, and not our M in general.
This is how she's changed. Our interaction this morning was so reminscent of our old M. She'd feel threatened in some way, and start all her emotional manipulation games, acting like I was bullying her, acting wounded, pouting, witholding, etc. In the past I would always fall for it, and eventually go back to her with my tail between my legs. She'd withhold herself and "punish" me until she felt she had the power back, then she'd let me off the hook. Now, I'm holding tough and not falling for her little games, and she's the one coming to me with her tail between her legs. It gives me some hope for our M.
Please be careful, Future. It is EXTREMELY common for a wayward, once on a formal legal track, to careen wildly between bile and nicey-nice, trying alternately to see what "works" to get what they want.
Yes, this may be some newfound respect for you, but it's also very likely that it's gamesmanship.
I hear you Puppy. I've learned my lesson. I know what she's capable of. I will not yield on my 50/50 custody. Whatever games she plays I'm not yielding on it, so that should show her true colors. She's only going to have two paths to get more time with her kids, either try to get a judge to take the kids away from me (very poor chance of success), or reconcile our marriage. She knows what I need to reconcile our marriage. Whether she's capable and/or willing to do it, who knows?
I will say she's been almost entirely nicey-nice for the last several months. In fact, this morning was the first time I'd seen any bile from her in a long time. My gut tells me she's sincerely trying, but my guard is still up.
My attny was very strong in his stance that once one spouse sues the other for something the odds are VERY high it will happen again. He was more speaking along the lines of reconciling and not the initial phases of a separation or divorce.
And I also agree w/Puppy (re: nice/mean flip flopping). My H does the same thing. This week he is "nice" because we are getting down to the wire and he knows our final dissolution is around the corner.
What the two of you decide to do as far as your marriage goes will probably take some time to figure out. IMO the subject of the children should be handled by attnys (or at least guided by an attny). She sued you once and it's not unlikely it will happen again.
I do realize that since she's pulled the lawsuit trigger, it'll be that much easier for her to pull it again.
W e-mailed me and asked if I'd go to lunch with her next Monday to chat. I said ok.
After reading on another thread here, something occurred to me. W ocassionally exposes her guilt to me, and I'm not sure how to respond to it. I don't want to enthusiastically agree with her when she's showing me her guilt. What is the most constructive way to reply?
For example, back in the summer when we were in the middle of our reconciliation effort, we went to see fireworks with the kids. Some of my single friends were there, in fact it was the first time W met them, and she was clinging to me a bit out of nervousness. I felt good, and thought I was putting out a strong mellow vibe. Kids were having a great time, weather was awesome, fireworks were good, etc.
On the way out I passed by one of the older guys I work with, who was there with his wife. A really great guy. He had never met my W before, and knows nothing of my sitch (at least showed me I haven't been the subject of office rumor mill). He enthusiastically said hi, and we introduced each other to our wives. We had a brief friendly interaction, and as we walked away he said to my W something like "Hold onto him, he's a good man." Was nice to hear. She smiled at me and replied "I know."
After we walked a little ways, W was acting unsure, and asks "What was it like hearing your friend say that to me?" I just replied "It felt good." Then she said with a nervous joking tone "He obviously doesn't know the truth about me." I kind of chuckled in response, but didn't say anything.
What am I supposed to say to statements like that? It's becoming clear to me how guilty she feels, inside. She tries to fight it, but it leaks out. I felt like she wanted something from me, but I didn't know what to say. Humor is probably the right answer. Perhaps if I joked back "Nope, I've never told him that you leave the cap off the toothpaste" or something like that.
