There is something, a small part of this ...wound, that has never stopped bleeding. So it cant heal, yet. It's difficult to explain and bothers me a lot which I must confess is the reason I dont post much even when I do have time. I have come to the conclusion it is a personal thing. It is the most personal thing. After the first initial reactions to the bomb and then the A that are pretty must standard, the real healing and the time neeeded is very personal. And I am slow.
Coach, I dont know whose lawyer I should poretend I am. I am trying to defend my H so to give him some kind of excuse and to regain some of my repsect for him which I miss so terribly. I also KNOW why I feel this way, I feel totally normal and sane, I just cant handle the associated pain. My best friend complains I analyse too much everybody's perspective and feels that it is confusing. It was helpfull but now I think it stalls me.
I still, not often but still, want to run away and leave him, only to avoid the process.
