Here's a story...of a very sad lady

[NotCrackingUp]

Dagny,

how could he call you "loving and caring" and also accuse you of cheating him out of money? I've also heard that sort of totally unreasonable inconsistent stuff from my H. Anything they can get their hands on is considered ammunition in the bid to prove how horrible we are. I've been told, during the same session, that I "smothered" him and that he turned to another woman because he lacked affection, that I was always at home, never went anywhere and that I was forever at work and never at home. I tried my best, silly foolah that I am, to see his point, and I even saw some grains of truth I can start working on... But the whole thing is illogical.We become a sort of target for anger against life, getting old, the wear and tear of dreams. Anger I think they feel against themselves. I read a book by a French therapist about "the ecology of love". Like Michele W-D, he is agaist divorce, says it's 90% a cop-out and it would nearly always be better for individuals and society to repair rather than break up. Anyway, in a chapter about domestic rows and conflict, he deals with anger. He says that a man, in anger, says things to his wife "that are really addressed to his mother". And that a wife, in a fit of anger, will "shout at her spouse what she's always wanted to say but never dared (or been able)to say to her father". the therapist says that all through life we play out scenarios from childhood in different ways, and the treatment we give our spouses reflects questions unresolved with our parent of the opposite sex. A bit daunting, but interesting, don't you think. I seem to remember in your case some coldness from your parents in-law, who felt it would be awkward to meet you. My mother-in-law is furious with her son, wants to shout and roar at him.His siblings are on the sidelines. The problem here is that his Dad, my father-in-law (now deceased) did exactly the same thing to my mother-in-law when my H was a teen.My MIL and FIL were in their early fifties, had only 2 out of 5 kids living at home, the others had left. He met another W while out ballroom dancing, carried on an affair. My MIL found out, nearly went mad with grief. He told her he didn't love her anymore, all that we've heard. He left the house and went to a flat in town. My H hated this time and always held it in for his father. My FIL eventually gave up this OW and came back and their marriage was "better than ever". So is my H repeating something? His mother said it to him and he was very angry and upset. But in May, he did once say to me "you never know, look at what happened with Papa, he came back eventually".

So how do we know but that there aren't other forces working their way to the surface from childhood, nothing to do with us, things our WAS need to address and exorcise in themselves?

Your H seems to be afraid about money. D is costly here too, but money is always a cipher for other things, between humans, power, territory, love, space, independence. My husband has himself shown a mean streak lately; he wants out but is upset not to share in my new, much higher salary (thks to exam I sat last year). He even took a rather large sum out of my account "to set up the flat for the kids" without telling me. I picked him up on that. I've always said what's mine is his, but I'mnot going to subsidize his single life. I felt he was treating me like a bad-boy teen might treat his mother, robbing her purse.(See above) It's possibly the only time I really stoodup for myself and set a clear boundary.Strange behaviour, a mixture of sour grapes and vengefulness - for what?

How well your H is in such a hurry to MARRY his OW. Marriage doesn't seem to agree with him that much. Maybe people don't just live together in the 'States. I'd have thought he'd feel a hypocrite saying he was going to "love and honour" someone again so quickly.

I feel really sorry that he's doing this, but he may well repent later...at leisure. Keep the chin up.
NCU