A divorce involving children is never final. You can never look back on it because it insinuates itself into your present and future. You can detach for yourself, but letting go of the pain of your children is much more difficult. Every time they cry, the pain is rekindled. I'm not saying that one shouldn't try to move past that, but it's not as easy as dealing with your own pain.
Surprisingly enough kids get over it fairly quickly so long as the parents act like adults and that is the problem.
As a divorced parent I realize we all genuinely care about the emotional well being of our children but sometimes we also use them as a crutch for our own weakness and sense of loss.
During my first divorce when i was young I kept bringing up our son but now realize it was me suffering the loss. He is happily raised by two parents who love and care for him and cooperate on every aspect of his life. his step-dad is great and treats him like his own which i admire greatly and take no offense.
Dont worry too much about the kids they are resilient and its the adults that harbor the grudges.
When I started the thread I guess i just wanted to discuss the emotional problems of setting them free as that was what I was struggling with.
Also i agree with citygirl that comparing our grief to genocide is kinda crass. i even have a friend right now that is fairly young and suffered a massive stroke and is dealing with recovery and a young family. His troubles are a lot bigger and more permanent than mine.
Not looking to underestimate the pain here and we are all going through it but lets get it into perspective. We will all come out of this one way or the other and if we don't there is no one to blame but ourselves.
Be strong and confident and live life like it could end tomorrow because it could.
I in particular am talking about Limbo! There is no legal action, my W is not communicating with me (and no one knows why...I know she is detaching the same way she internalized her hurt due to my A...sweep it under the rug), I never saw any pullback. I am not sure what to do other than GAL, 180's, LRT, which is for me. What do I do and how long do I do it for with regard to the M or R?
If I was not thinking clearly I would give my W what I presume she wants and file for D myself.
Also i agree with citygirl that comparing our grief to genocide is kinda crass.
Why? Can't we learn from genocide survivors? Or are we too special?
One of the most moving things I ever read was from a holocaust survivor describing the moments of joy she managed to have in Auschwitz. Her mom was sent to the showers and ovens on the first day, but she survived by finding joy and counting her blessings even there.
After the liberation, she dedicated her life to psychology and helping other people who could not let go of their grief. Inspiring woman.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
When I was in college I had to take a statistics class. I had to have math credits and for some outlandish reason I thought statistics would be the easiest one (FTR I HATE math!).
I went to each class and never missed one lecture. I recorded the lectures. I did all the homework and coursework. I attended all the peer study groups, bought "helpful" guides and saw my prof. during office hours weekly. Guess what? For the life of me I could not understand statistics. I failed every assignment, test and exam. Out of sheer frustration it became my mission to understand statistics. The more I tried the more I failed. I had all the tools and resources which I took full advantage of but I still was not improving.
On one of the last day of classes all of a sudden it ALL just made sense. I almost fell of my chair in class because it hit me like a wave. I have NO idea what clicked in my brain but something did and I just "got it".
The prof. actually said to me as I was walking out "the look I saw on your face during class is the reason I teach.. teachers live for that look" and I was like LOL! I GET IT! FINALLY!
People try and try and try and sometimes it takes longer to "get it" even though they are maximizing everything available to them.
Also i agree with citygirl that comparing our grief to genocide is kinda crass.
Why? Can't we learn from genocide survivors? Or are we too special?
One of the most moving things I ever read was from a holocaust survivor describing the moments of joy she managed to have in Auschwitz. Her mom was sent to the showers and ovens on the first day, but she survived by finding joy and counting her blessings even there.
After the liberation, she dedicated her life to psychology and helping other people who could not let go of their grief. Inspiring woman.
I was divorced in my 20's. I went through all the same trauma that i am going through now and thought my life was over and ruined. 2 years later i was in a new R and having a great time with no thought to how things might have been with my EX.
The emotional stress we are feeling is temp for most of us. I came from a violent and war torn country and have seen the damage and emotional scars left behind. THEY ARE NOT THE SAME.
Thats all I am saying. Most people here will either get things back together or move on. In a couple of years they will be just as happy as they perceive they were in their M.
Much as it doesn't seem so now ( for me too ). It is temporary
A divorce involving children is never final. You can never look back on it because it insinuates itself into your present and future. You can detach for yourself, but letting go of the pain of your children is much more difficult. Every time they cry, the pain is rekindled. I'm not saying that one shouldn't try to move past that, but it's not as easy as dealing with your own pain.
Surprisingly enough kids get over it fairly quickly so long as the parents act like adults and that is the problem.
As a divorced parent I realize we all genuinely care about the emotional well being of our children but sometimes we also use them as a crutch for our own weakness and sense of loss.
During my first divorce when i was young I kept bringing up our son but now realize it was me suffering the loss. He is happily raised by two parents who love and care for him and cooperate on every aspect of his life. his step-dad is great and treats him like his own which i admire greatly and take no offense.
Dont worry too much about the kids they are resilient and its the adults that harbor the grudges.
When I started the thread I guess i just wanted to discuss the emotional problems of setting them free as that was what I was struggling with.
Also i agree with citygirl that comparing our grief to genocide is kinda crass. i even have a friend right now that is fairly young and suffered a massive stroke and is dealing with recovery and a young family. His troubles are a lot bigger and more permanent than mine.
Not looking to underestimate the pain here and we are all going through it but lets get it into perspective. We will all come out of this one way or the other and if we don't there is no one to blame but ourselves.
Be strong and confident and live life like it could end tomorrow because it could.
Actually, they rarely let go of it and if they do not process it thoroughly when they are children, it stays with them into their adulthood and can undermine their own relationships.
Actually, they rarely let go of it and if they do not process it thoroughly when they are children
Again, what does that mean?
I'll tell you why I ask: for over a decade, many states dictated that first responders be debriefed by grief counselors who would ask them to go over their experiences in the weeks following especially truamatic events.
It was an unspoken and untested assumption that this helped.
When studies were finally undertaken (within the last 8 years), it was discovered that this only helped a minority of these responders, and it actually prolonged grief and PTS for the majority (the control groups were from states where no such counseling was required).
Your children learn part of their coping skills from watching you and how you handle things. And if they ask, they learn from listening to how you handle things. Something to think about.
Last edited by TimeHeals; 09/08/1007:14 PM.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
Actually, they rarely let go of it and if they do not process it thoroughly when they are children
Again, what does that mean?
I'll tell you why I ask: for over a decade, many states dictated that first responders be debriefed by grief counselors who would ask them to go over their experiences in the weeks following especially truamatic events.
It was an unspoken and untested assumption that this helped.
When studies were finally undertaked (within the last 8 years), it was discovered that this only helped a minority of these responders, and that it actually prolonged grief and PTS for the majority (the control groups were from states where no such counseling was required).
Your children learn part of their coping skills from watching you and how you handle things. And if they ask, they learn from listening to how you handle things. Something to think about.
TH
I know you mean well, but the analogy just doesn't work when it comes to children. The issue is not about coping skills, with them, it is more about identity issues and security. In the case of non-destructive relationships, when the parents divorce it shakes their very being. They can't understand how you can just stop loving someone like that and worry that one or both of their parents might stop loving them, too. It's complicated with children.
