You can always go through my old threads. They start in November 2007 with H never came back from Iraq parts 1- 5, then I started naming my threads with U2 lyrics.
When I confronted him about his online activities (porn, replying to ads on craigslist casual encounters, inappropriate e-mails and texts) and the PA he was engaging in, he decided the honorable thing to do was ask me for a S. *rolls eyes* Except he wanted me to move because he didn't have anyplace to move to. Not like I did either. Anyhow, it was July of 2007 when I moved out. And he insisted he was done, had been done. Wouldn't do counseling with me, nothing.
I found DBing later that year in my incessant quest to read every book I could get my hands on. Luckily for my finances I did it through the library and only bought ones that really clicked with me, like this.
Slowly I stopped all the pursuing, all the pleading. I started to learn to detach. Meanwhile, OW (alternately known as the TAP (Tart Across the Pond) and SBW (Stupid B!!ch Wh0re LOL)) started to lose her shine. I'd get e-mails, texts, occasionally phone calls. I would get on here and plan responses, practice validating, and practice biting my tongue. I rarely initiated contact with him, and didn't always respond right away. It definitely piqued his curiosity. When I posted pictures online, they were happy fun things. I went back to some old hobbies, found some new ones, did a lot of introspection and became much more conscious of how I interacted with him. Even if you don't think they can see the changes, the GAL, some of it comes across in how you interact with them.
In about May 2008 XH proposed that we could see each other, but he wasn't promising anything. His PTSD was still in full swing as was his drinking. But this was the chance I had been waiting for. Looking back I realize I should have set more boundaries and just given things more time because of his mTBI, PTSD, and addiction to alcohol. But I didn't. And a month and a half later he was back with OW and I was bitter all over again.
He didn't file for D until April of 2009, but he talked about it here and there. His thing was since I was in law school, I should do all the paperwork, cuz he's not good at this stuff. Then the script went, I say but I don't believe in D, then he'd say, I don't believe in D either, but it's the only way I can be happy, you're only doing this to make me miserable. Then we wouldn't talk for a while, a couple weeks, then out of the blue I'd get a message feeling me out. We went through this cycle a lot, and I kept detaching just to protect myself.
After being S a year and a half, I met Roger. We started dating, I told him my situation, that I wasn't looking to get serious, yet somehow it did.
My XH was still being nice to me some days, screaming at me about D others. I had had enough though. It wasn't fair to Roger to keep the door open, I had to make a decision. I told my XH I would go along with the D. He filed, everything finalized, and he still tries to be nice to me some days. And then others, he wants to rant about how my being friends with his family is awkward for him and I should stop talking to them. *rolls eyes*
It messed with my head so much I had to cut back on the contact. I stopped answering the phone, delayed replying to texts and e-mails. I didn't want to be friends with my XH, I wanted my M back, I wanted the man I M back. But I knew that I couldn't have it, he was still breaking up and getting back together with OW at predictable intervals, still drinking, only beginning to admit that maybe I was right about his PTSD and grudgingly admitting that he might need some help dealing with it.
Even from the beginning (probably around December of 2007), I had set a deadline to myself. If he hadn't come to his senses and he let the D finalize, I was done. My DBing would be over. There was nothing to bust at that point. It would be time to move on.
Ultimately, I moved on for two reasons. Because I had met someone else and because he let the D finalize. I was the one who finally made the clean break. In about 80% of cases on here (maybe even more), it's the LBS who finally decides the fate of the M.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
