INTERESTED IN MLC FOR LBS

[Bobby O]

I appreciate everyone helping me. I do believe we all realize what we had and lost. We may hide our feelings from our loved one but you can not hide from yourself or God. I miss my wife more than ever. In many ways we took each other for granted. We should always put our spouce first. Love must be first.If I were to get another chance I would do things different. The problem is not being able to get the chance to prove myself. I hope my wife does see the good and will come around one day. I will always love her. Bobby O

[Bobby O]

Day 5 with no contact from wife. My wife's older sister called to see how I was. My wife has another sister who is much closer to her. The 2 sisters were talking and the closer sister asked the older one how I was doing. She told her that I was doing well and moving on. I guess I am faking it. In any case, I am sure that went back to my wife. I have not given any monetary support to my wife at the advice of my lawyer. My lawyer said she chose to leave without any formal agreement. I did pay for my daughters ballet lessons and did pay my wife's car payment and car insurance. I told my daughter that there was food in freezer that she could take home.
My wife is starting her 3rd week of school. I had done all the house chores including cleaning, grocery shopping, cooking, and working my regular job so my wife could study. I am sure she will feel the difference this week and the following weeks. You never appreciate what you have till it is lost.
My concern is if my wife files for divorce what is the likelihood she will stop it down the road. I guess no way to know. I try to stay strong and active and busy. I will take my daughter to dance this week. I am also worried about my son. I do believe he is suffering from PTSD from his recent deployment. His girlfriend told me that a pick up truck was driving irratically down the road while they were walking and he began shouting orders like it was a truck full of explosives. She yelled to him that he was not in Iraq but home. These kids have been to hell and back. I hope he will get counseling. Bobby O

[warriorshadow]

Bobby,
I am going through much of what you are going through.
If she has not filed, then she may not.
Remember, If this is MLC, then believe nothing of what they
say and half of what they do. Some of them take a while to
go to the bother of filing for divorce etc. That is ok, because
this can take a long time. It may even take years. It probably will. If she files, then you can deal with that when she does.
So what does Bobby want to do with this time you now have?
This time is a gift for you to discover yourself and find out who
Bobby is. I know I am preaching with the choir here, but this is the only way. You must find yourself to go either path. If your wife comes around, not likely soon, you have to be the light in the darkness of MLC. If she divorces you, she may reconcile in the future or you will be moving on in your life. So work on yourself. Keep reading threads here. You will notice a pattern throughout and that will give some hope and understanding to you.
Be the rock for your kids. I know it is tough with what is happening to you now, but they need to know they have one sane parent throughout this tragic time for your family. Most of what I am saying you have heard already. I know this. If you are like me, you need to hear it over and over until it truly sinks in.
Yes this is really lousy and unfair and does not make sense, but
it is not your journey or timeline for this to get resolved. Be thankful that you are the sane one for your kids.

[ericmsant2]

Bobby

You are doing really well my friend.

I did not ask questions about my wife.

Nor should you. Good move on your part. The hardest thing about this process for me was keeping my mouth shut. Often we want to run and “tell our side of the story”. The less people that know the easier any future reconciliation will be. You see, when and if we every try to reconcile it is not just with the spouse. It is with friends, family, co-workers, children, etc. the more pressure the MLC spouse feels the harder it will be to reconcile.

The are upset with situation and hope Virginia will come around.

Be very careful here….I understand they are upset. My in-laws tried to talk to W several times – it did not nor does it work. By talking to her and trying to “get her to realize” that she is making a mistake what people are in essence telling her is that HER feelings do not matter. Now, if she asks for their advice well then that is a different thing. So be careful with what you tell your in-laws. If you are passing along your side of the story and they in turn talk to your W about it – well then your W may just view this as manipulation. Remember one thing…blood is thicker than water.

I suspect she is hurting too but in a different way.

Yes she is. Don’t kid yourself she is hurt, which is why she is running. You may see her happy and IMO she probably is BUT it is ONLY because every time she looks in the mirror, every time she tries to justify or rationalize her choices, every time she thinks about what this does to the family, every time she realizes that something in her is wrong…well when she looks it hurts –so she runs. She tries to do stuff that make her “feel” happy so that she does not have to face the pain. Keep this in the back of your mind throughout this process.

In many ways we took each other for granted.

Bobby – has your W is off on her journey…you MUST begin yours. Any hope for reconciliation will lie in YOU fixing YOU (not trying to fix her). So, you took yourself for granted….what else did you do? What else did she complain about? Too many hours at the office, not listening to her, did not respect her opinion, may a little selfish in the bed room, what else Bobby? Dig a little here be honest with yourself. Put aside the pain and hurt that you feel and take a long hard look at YOURSELF.

I were to get another chance I would do things different.

You just may get another chance…but first you need to figure out what it is that needs to change in YOU. Do you expect her to want to come back to the same old Bobby?

The problem is not being able to get the chance to prove myself.

Bobby – this type of negative thinking is actually working against you. How do you know you will not get this chance? You don’t – so STOP talking like you will not. It is a defeatist mentality. So…you either pack up accept loss or YOU fight.. You fight by working on YOU Bobby. You fight by keeping your mouth shut. You fight by stinking to YOU core values. You fight by letting her go. You fight by learning to respect that her choices are HERS. Your call!

We should always put our spouse first

I disagree with this ^^^^…putting someone else above YOUR needs, YOUR wants…above YOU is not a healthy relationship. You do matter Bobby. Your needs matter. Your W will need to understand YOUR needs as much as YOU need to understand HERS.

I will always love her.

Yes you will. Now can you love her when she is trying to kick you? Can you love her enough to become the man that YOU want to be? Do you love her enough to have compassion? Do you love her enough to love her even when it “feels” like she may not love you? Do you love her enough to LET HER GO?

Day 5 with no contact from wife.

Are you going to announce day 234? Really dude – you appear to have a timeline in your head. Why? You just said you loved her? Is love not timeless? Stop counting the days you are going to drive yourself mad. And FTR it is not easy to do this. Easy though does not mean impossible.

She told her that I was doing well and moving on

Are you Bobby?

I had done all the house chores including cleaning, grocery shopping, cooking, and working my regular job so my wife could study.

I think this is what a good husband is suppose to do. Did you do with an expectation that she will change her mind? Com’on know be honest… did you? This is the type of stuff and MLCer can read right through..

I am sure she will feel the difference this week and the following weeks.

So similar to my point above….you did these things so that SHE can see them. So that SHE would see them and realize that YOU changed. How about you stop trying to change stuff for her to see and start changing stuff because YOU now realize that you should have done these things all along. A small difference in how you look at it but a difference.

You never appreciate what you have till it is lost.

No you don’t Bobby. You know this works both ways though….Become the man you always wanted to be and SHE may just come to the same conclusion and come running back. Cool thing about this…YOU get to decide if you want to take her back.

My concern is if my wife files for divorce what is the likelihood she will stop it down the road. I guess no way to know.

The concern thing is normal. You did answer your question….nothing you can do about it. So why worry about something YOU have no control over. Control…..think about control for a sec Bobby. You want what you want NOW – she wants what she wants NOW. Who controls who? Does she control what you want? NO. Do you control what she wants? NO. So Bobby, maybe you need to realize that you cannot control her. Maybe you need to realize that sometime chit just has to flow. Flow the way life flows.

As for your kids. You need to be the rock for them right now.

Stay strong Bobby – this can be a long process. A process that with it will come change, growth, freedom, opportunity, and LOVE….it will come IF YOU ALLOW IT. IF YOU ALLOW YOURSELF TO CHANGE.

Finally, not sure if you are on the alt…if you are feel free to look me up.

God Bless,
Eric

[AJM]

Yes she is. Don’t kid yourself she is hurt, which is why she is running. You may see her happy and IMO she probably is BUT it is ONLY because every time she looks in the mirror, every time she tries to justify or rationalize her choices, every time she thinks about what this does to the family, every time she realizes that something in her is wrong…well when she looks it hurts –so she runs. She tries to do stuff that make her “feel” happy so that she does not have to face the pain. Keep this in the back of your mind throughout this process.

Very true indeed. The problems she has are scary. They are real (to her). Compassion is important Bobby. But so to is to trust her to figure herself out. Think of it this way, Bobby. You love her right? Enough to let her go? 'Cause if being with you is killing her... how can you reconcile that with yourself? If that were the choice?

There are a huge amount of emotions going through you right now. Hang on because there will be more. Likely she will try to get your attention much like a teen does. Believe me, it isn't pretty either. It'll hurt because she will be lashing out at you and knows you well enough to know how to hurt you. That'll last until you have enough courage to say it's enough.

The changes start with you having respect for yourself. Regardless of her reasons. And she will likely have many of them - some true and many not. If it's anything like what I've seen. Don't worry Bobby. You need to be the one that knows the truth. You need to be the one that respects you and the things you do.

As somebody remarked recently - the past does not define us. It's just how we got here. (Eric?)

What I'm trying to tell you is that you have to work on you. Start with your self-esteem. Start with your self-respect. Do it within the confines of the marriage. Recognize that she is in pain and will hide it from you and possibly herself. But it is there. Not as bad as your pain - worse. Because she controlled it. She decided it. Not you Bobby.

Build that self-esteem. Build your self-respect. Be the man you are and let her be the person she is. Be careful months from now when she talks about coming back that you pay attention to why. Be prepared to say no, not yet. It's still a respect thing and you must defend that to have a relationship because if you don't respect you, neither will she. And if she doesn't respect you, she will despise you. You won't be strong enough.

Try to put the worry aside. This is a common story, sadly enough. Put your efforts into you and take the high road in all things. Protect her as much as you are allowed without being intrusive. Above all, focus on you and your kids during this time. And do not pursue.

Why? The balance of relationships rests in that pursue or chase right? Pursue and you chase her away. She is trying to get away from you for reasons you cannot know. But she is. Let her go. Go the other direction.

Did you know that statistically 80% of people that leave come back at some point? Time is irrelevant in that statistic. But it happens. Did you also know that of those that return and leave a second time, only 20% ever come back again? Be sure to be you and to have the self-esteem and confidence to recognize when if it happens that you are ready to say no if she wants to come back for the wrong reasons.

Meanwhile, take the time to work on and focus on you. You can only control you (how many times have you heard that here?) Really, 10 years from now you will look back and realize that you cannot control another person. Nor would you want to most likely. That would just bore you to tears and the pressure would kill you at some point. Wear you down.

Work on you Bobby. Know that this will take a lot of time and the longer you waste time focusing on what she might do, the longer it will take you to see that you can do nothing about it except roll with it. Let her be free to do what she feels she needs to do. Completely free.

I'm tired and rambling. I know that. But I was intending to give you a glimpse of the possible to help you focus on you while she works on her.

Let it take as long as it takes, Bobby. It won't be faster than that anyway.

[Bobby O]

I took my daughter to dance yesterday after work. She was angry and would not tell me what was on her mind. I took her to get something to eat after dance and she said that it was a difficult weekend for her when they moved. I told her that both her mother and I loved her and would be there for her. My wife called me twice yesterday and I did not pick up. There was no voice message left either. I plan to go away next weekend with my son. I am currently using the Last Resort Technique. My wife's sister called me as well but did not take her call. I want to thank everyone again for sharing their thoughts with me. Bobby O

[LanceSijan]

I am currently using the Last Resort Technique. My wife's sister called me as well but did not take her call.

Good job.
You are now on the correct path.

Keep working on yourself!

[ericmsant2]

Bobby

Keep you the good work buddy. I know that this chit hurts but you are doing exceptional.

My wife called me twice yesterday and I did not pick up.

Good - stay mysterious. Live your life...you have already told her how you feel.

God Bless,
Eric

[mentalradio]

Did you know that statistically 80% of people that leave come back at some point? Time is irrelevant in that statistic. But it happens. Did you also know that of those that return and leave a second time, only 20% ever come back again?

Hi AJM. I've never heard of/read about any type of statistics regarding MLC. Where does this type of information come from?

[AJM]

Read it in a book - don't recall the name - something about should we get back together or similar. As with any statistics, it's perspective and subjective to the sample. But I have seen similar in many of the stories on the boards and in my own life.

It's a pattern. A dance. It's why a lot of LBS' talk about a script as if there is a store somewhere that LBS' can't find, but WAS can. A lot of similarities occur in human behavior. Or, put another way, nothing new under the sun.

Good work Bobby. You do have to put this out of your mind and move on. Continue to work on your self-respect and self-esteem. If you're not so tied up in her actions etc. you'll have time to do that. Trust me, it'll be important later. There's a test

Stay focused on you and your kids and don't worry about what she is doing. She is going to do what she needs to do for her. Nothing more. Trust that, be at peace with that, and let her go do her thing....