If you truly let go, drop the rope, etc and you are totally free of your spouse then why would I even consider taking them back? There will so much baggage from the past that will need to exercised in order to have a healthy M, i.e my A and her WAW with no communication.
Presumably, when you drop the rope you are in a position to "objectively" evaluate the relationship and determine whether or not it is worth investing more time and energy in it to make it work.
If you truly let go, drop the rope, etc and you are totally free ...why would I even consider taking them back? There will so much baggage from the past
And this is different from any new relationship how exactly?
I don't know about you, but I don't plan on dating a 15 year old, so anybody I would date would have possible emotional baggage that they may or may not have dealt with, and sometimes it takes a few years to discover that.
And then there's other baggage: their kids, their exes, their child support payments, and so on.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
The program there undertook the only methodical study ever conducted into just how and how long people really grieve. They conducted tracking studies of Kosovar genocide survivors, 9/11 survivors, and so on. It apparently never occured to people in the field of Psychology to do this before the 1990s.
You can disagree all you like, but most folks don't take that long, and sometimes all it takes is shifting your perspective to finally move on.
The death of someone brings a certain finality with it that a divorce, particularly one involving children, just can't bring. There is no hope that the person will come back to life, no ghost present as a constant reminder of the loss.
If you truly let go, drop the rope, etc and you are totally free of your spouse then why would I even consider taking them back? There will so much baggage from the past that will need to exercised in order to have a healthy M, i.e my A and her WAW with no communication.
Your wife has already arrived at this conclusion. Your W isn't thinking about the no communication. She's thinking why be with you, a husband who told me he's in love with someone else. A WAS is so far ahead of you on the detachment curve that's why it's needed to think clearly. Get it now?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I don't see any obligation right now to stay faithful to her as she has set the stage on that one. The thing on the vacation is that we will still be in the same house when that happens. She wont be a happy camper when I am packing for that.
Completely agree w/you on this. Perhaps that pure rationalization on my part, but in my case, I believe my M to be over. This may or may not be the case, still undetermined. However, my OM did distract me from focusing on H, H's A & OW. To me, it seems that offering my fidelity to H actively in A was keeping me mired in not moving forward. I did not become involved w/OM until after I moved out of marital home (not that it really matters either way).
If H and I were to R, I don't know if I'd be able to get past my resentment had I not had R w/OM. I'm assuming that is a defense mechanism, but it is how I feel.
Originally Posted By: Khudoo
Anyway I am leading my life with the assumption that she is gone and will continue down that path until I have cause to consider something else. Still very sad for me but I need to get on with my life and that includes female companionship.
Again, goes back to the first. To me, that seems the sanest way to detach and move forward w/your life. Offering my fidelity to someone who obviously doesn't want it and can't offer the same just made me feel very bad about myself.
I fully admit that since I am still legally married, I too had A w/OM. Emotionally, I consider H & I D'd, or close to it. It's a sticky wicket, but you need to do what you need to do to move forward.
In your specific case, I'm not sure being involved w/OW while living w/W is such a great idea. W can then counter A if/when she files. You may want to consult your L regarding the legal ramifications of that.
M & H: 40 M: 5.5 T: 7.5 OW: 7/09 Bomb: 9/09 Sep: 3/10 H files 7/10
We are talking about grief. You want to compare your marriage ending to somebody watching their wives and daughters being raped and murdered? To not knowing what happened to their extended family?
Seriously. If you keep looking back and focusing on the negative feelings instead of accepting the past as the teaching gift it can be, and then counting your blessings and then making plans for your own future, then you will stay stuck.
If genocide survivors can move on, then so can anybody.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
We are talking about grief. You want to compare your marriage ending to somebody watching their wives and daughters being raped and murdered? To not knowing what happened to their extended family?
Seriously. If you keep looking back and focusing on the negative feelings instead of accepting the past as the teaching gift it can be, and then counting your blessings and then making plans for your own future, then you will stay stuck.
If genocide survivors can move on, then so can anybody.
TH
A divorce involving children is never final. You can never look back on it because it insinuates itself into your present and future. You can detach for yourself, but letting go of the pain of your children is much more difficult. Every time they cry, the pain is rekindled. I'm not saying that one shouldn't try to move past that, but it's not as easy as dealing with your own pain.
