It's time to decide to give her what she wants, but you are going to have some reasonable boundaries to protect yourself and your child.
You want a seperation. I have decided you should get one, but that I should not be the one to pay for everything, so you need to get a job ASAP.
And make sure you are protected. Cut her off financially. From now on John's money belongs to John and his child. Time for Mrs John28 to grow up (and John too).
She wants out. Show her the way out. She must get a job, get her own bank accounts, her own credit cards, pay her own bills, get her own place, and then she must get her own lawyer.
You are not paying for her decissions since she has decided to leave the marriage. That was her choice, you are just letting her make her own decissions and deal with the consequences of her own actions.
Stop enabling her.
Last edited by TimeHeals; 09/08/1004:40 PM.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
One year mandatory separation before you can file in my state. My state has some of the most restrictive rules for D. Only two ways to file at fault, Adultery or Insane. L advised me I didn't have enough evidence to show a physical A. Otherwise it is one year S then you can file for no-fault.
I'm sorry but it looks like at this time she has a road map she is following, she is moving to D help her move in that direction embrace divorce as your friend, she needs to feel a pinch of reality you have one year to become the man she wants.
M40, W 37 M 11 1/2 y T 13 y D filed 5-18-10 S 5-29-10 OM1 discovered 6-5-10 Counter sued for d 6-16-10 OM2 discovered 8-10-10 OM3, OM4 4 kids 10, 7, & 3 D date 10-14-10 http://tiny.cc/mxzct
I think for you the worst case scenario is that you save the marriage now and end up with a long-term marriage and divorce later with much higher alimony. I have no crystal ball and can't predict the future, but I think if you save the marriage, you will save a sex-starved marriage until you can't take it anymore.
Wow. This puts it in a new perspective. You are 100% correct. Why couldn't I see that?
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
The more I think about it, someone said something to me the other day that I didn't want to believe. He told me he has felt like from day #1 of our M he has always felt like my W held our S4 over my head, that she could leave at anytime and take him with her and there was nothing I could do about it. So, I let her cross my boundaries all the time for fear of losing my child.
He is 100% right. I remember all those times of her threatening to leave and I think back and realize that yes, I did love her and wanted her to stay and I was willing to always work on the M because of my morals and obligations, but I wanted my S4 more.
And now, what am I afraid of most? That she'll take S4 away from me or limit my time with him. Why am I still letting this fear cripple me?
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
And now, what am I afraid of most? That she'll take S4 away from me or limit my time with him. Why am I still letting this fear cripple me?
Because you can.
John, if she has to support herself, pay for her own things, her rent, her attorney, she's going to have to work a bit. You will have time for your child.
I've seen reality hit WAWs, and sometimes they get so angry and stupid when reality bites that they screw everything up (not saying this will happen), and then the father gets primary custody.
The fact is, if you follow her game plan, you lose. So let her go and protect yourself. You can't make her change her mind, you can't decide things for her, but you can control exactly what John does.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
If you live in a state w/such restrictive divorce laws it is rather astounding to me the attny you spoke with did not paint you and scenarios for a "long term marriage" (often called a vintage marriage via the court system).
Go find ImprovedRomeo in the "surviving the big D" folder. His W left him three times over the course of 4 yrs and this last time it's for good. Sadly for him their marriage did reach the 10 year mark and now he will experience total financial devastation as a "long term marriage" is ending. She didn't participate in a 10 yr marriage but she is getting ALL the perks of one. Don't let that happen to you.
Be smart, be tough, learn and understand the laws, protect yourself and your child and stop allowing her to control it all.
John, I wrote to you eariler today before my internet crashed. LOL.
As for the Retrovaille, it would have been better had you NOT offered her your car and keys and for you to fly back home. If she wants to leave Retro., she can do so alone.
As others have mentioned, if she wants out, there is nothing you can do to change her mind. Start looking into protecting yourself. I know you still love her immensely (she is your wife after all!) but now is a good time to research some things *just in case.*
Originally Posted By: TimeHeals
If you are "playing a game" where one party keeps dictating the terms and rules, you're going to wind up losing.
Something that I have found effective is mood mirroring. I think that I was guilty of the attitudinal yo-yo that you've been trying to figure out. I think when you can seperate your OUTWARD mood from all the emotion swirling around your head, you will have an easier time not trying to figure out how to act based on mind reading and supposition.
It's very easy. if she is pleasant, you be pleasant. If she is brooding, leave the area and let her stew in her own swill. If she's bitchy, lay down the law. BTW, the law is: "I don't appreciate the way you are treating me. So until you feel like being civil, I will be doing:_____." Then walk away brother. The first few times, she will probably follow you and keep harping. Not a bad idea to reitterate that you value yourself more than to allow yourself to be disrespected in your house. the conversation is OVER. Come back when you want to discuss whatever it is in a civilized manner.
It wil be hard not to puff up or be a dick, but after a few times, you'll be able to do it with polish. AND you will become the alpha dog in your house.
Once you start leading in these small ways, the other ways will start to become clearer. This is going to be fundamental if you are going to take on the monumental things you are talking about today. Otherwise, you're going to get rope-a-doped in the first round.
You have a few days until the mythical deadline. Yes, I know it MIGHT make all the difference and set you on the path to reconcilliation, but if I were you, I'd look at it the way she obviously is, as a DEADLINE. So start today. Lead in every encounter with her. YOU decide how things will be or she can figure her own arrangements. When you go there, decide that YOU are going to get what you can from it and move on. Forget about her. If she wants to be free to leave, let her find a way to make that a reality. If she chooses to leave, tell her "Ok. See you later". Then turn around and keep listening to the presentation.
She is so sure she has you wrapped around her finger, she even told you her end game. All the super villians do that right before they feed 007 to the chainsaw weilding sharks. It's their fatal flaw. They're always so sure that they have him dead to rights, that they stupidly tell him exactly how they're going to destry him. They underestimated him in every movie. Of course, he only got away because he was confident and always had a plan. So be 007 and show her that she messed up. Get your confidence up and now that you know what she's planning to do, come up with a plan.
Good luck man.
ADAPT. OVERCOME. IMPROVISE. -Tom Highway
Me: 43 W: 40 S12 & S9 Married 17yrs Together 20yrs
She is so sure she has you wrapped around her finger, she even told you her end game. All the super villians do that right before they feed 007 to the chainsaw weilding sharks. It's their fatal flaw. They're always so sure that they have him dead to rights, that they stupidly tell him exactly how they're going to destry him. They underestimated him in every movie. Of course, he only got away because he was confident and always had a plan. So be 007 and show her that she messed up. Get your confidence up and now that you know what she's planning to do, come up with a plan.
