Where does the WAW go

[soleil]

I do journal. Well I about a week ago. I notice that I don't want to do it when he's around. I don't trust to leave my book where he could find it and read, so it's better to not let him know about it. Although recently more of my journaling has been on here.

Re: journaling -- if it makes you uncomfortable to do it when he's around, do it at some time when you feel comfortable, when you are alone. I personally do not journal if anyone is around. It's a very "me" thing and also very therapeutic to be alone with those thoughts.

Glad to see you met up with your doc.

[Doodi]

Yeah, I do try to do it when noone is around. It's easier to get my thoughts together. But every day I'm just kinda adopting the F-it attitude and doing what makes me feel better.

Doodi

[JR09]

Doodi,

Hi. I read your thread with your husband having PTSD,IRQ, etc. Quite similar to my story. My W left over 2 years ago after I had one of occasional anger outbursts following my return from IRQ. I have to tell you I am very glad my W had enough courage to leave and withdraw from the toxic environment we lived in. It takes a lot of courage to leave.

With my W gone, I knew I had to make serious changes with myself, so I started counseling. I was afraid of the stigma of being an officer seeking counseling. But at the point where I was, it didn't matter anymore. So I've been in counseling ever since. Saved my life...My W is still away but hasn't divorced me, at least for now. Her being away, living at her parents' gave her time to regroup, take care of herself. I wish she'd go to some type of counseling. She is somehow 'stuck' in her thoughts, whereas I have truly changed in my behavior in everyway.

Anyway, Doodi, just wanted you to know that I am cheering you on and congratulate you on taking care of yourself.

JR

[Doodi]

JR09,

I don't know that my H would be glad but he would have to admit that I was doing it out of concern for our little ones. On the flip, he did start counseling within a yr of coming back from down range but I still don't think he is getting anything from the IC.

I haven't actually left the house but I have told him that the M is done and I will not even consider R talk until I finish fixing my issues. We did have a long talk last night and he says that he recognizes some of the areas he needs to work on (I'm not telling him what I think he needs to do, he has to do it for himself not me) and I have noticed some changes but I am still very gun shy.

Thanks for the kind words. It's tough but I know either way it goes, I will be able to say that I did ALL I could do.

Doodi

[soleil]

What was his reaction to you saying the M is done?

I can't remember -- are you seeing anyone else right now? Is there OM involved?

[Doodi]

What was his reaction to you saying the M is done?

I can't remember -- are you seeing anyone else right now? Is there OM involved?

Well I've had to keep repeating that it's done and that I'm not working on it at all. I've told him that I have to fix me before I can even think about our R. He seems to finally get it. Last night he said that he hopes that I do get myself "stable" (mentally) and that once I'm finally there I will still want him. He says the right things but I wonder if it has really set in.

I am absolutely NOT seeing anyone or chatting with anyone...unless you count all the LBS's on here. There is no personal chatting at all. I have really made of point of stearing away from males all together. I want to make sure that my actions are based on what I decide is best for me and mine, not what made me feel good for the moment.

I honestly don't know that I want to get into another R. I am very damaged mentally from my childhood and a rather rocky M. Right now I want to conquer my issues and raise my kids. I'm not saying it will never happen but it isn't anywhere on my radar at the moment.

[soleil]

Got it. And that makes perfect sense. I really do hope you feel better soon. ((( Doodi ))) I want to give you a big hug!

So you have said the M is over. Have you looked into where you will be living/children concerns/attorneys, etc?

[Doodi]

Yes I have a basic idea to where I'd go, live, etc. But I have told H that as long as he can handle the boundaries I've set then I will work on me here. My living would mean going back to the US and he wouldn't see his kids at all...so this is our compromise. Not to mention this is where my doc is. He has been much better with the boundaries since he's accepted me stating the M is over.

If I had to mind read a little I would say that he is holding out hope that with my growth and his growth that all will end up ok. I have said that I hope that the M will survive too, more for the kids, but there is still a glimmer of hope.

My doc says the bottom line is that I've grown some and me stepping up and dropping the bomb was my way of saying things had to change. She acknowledges that right now I'm not ready to make any final decisions about staying or going. What has been said so far was the result of MC, IC and H pushing for something finite. I told him that if he kept being demanding and couldn't be patient then the only thing I could do was leave. That right now I'm more out the door than in. He kept pushing and I finally said it.

Ironically, since then things have been so much better. He's not emo every night, some but not all. The few times he has approached conversations about me, him or us it has stayed low-key. I always remind him that I will not even think about the M until I work through some things and he is starting to form his on list of things to work on.

So right now we are 2 people working on our personal issues while raising our kids. There has been no intimacy (my issue) and he has accepted it. He still tries-can ya blame him-but he accepts where I'm at. He still says ILY but no longer expects me to say it back. He's trying and I'm noticing, as well as validating.

I just remind him that this is going to take time. He always has the choice to go if it becomes to much for him but we will deal with that if/when it comes. Right now we are living in today and I'm reading, posting, journaling, etc to get my issues taken care of.

[A_goodman]

Doodster,

You seem like an entirely different person than just a few days ago. (I know that is common to the WAW ). Seriously, this seems different than just mood swings I'm glad your head seems to be clearing enough to come up with the skeleton of a plan. An outline if you will. I am really hoping that your H will be able to figure out the right approach to make this delicate detant flourish.

Also, I am impressed with some of your posts on other threads. you have a clarity about other's situations that will be handy to reflect on when the chips are down in yours.

Prayers,

[Doodi]

I think the mood shift that you've noticed is because I'm not being hit daily with emo conversations...begging, pleading and on my side defending, explaining. I finally feel like I have a minute to deal with the demons in my head...which is what I asked for way back in May.

My doc put my journey in stewardess terms. "I have to apply my oxygen mask before I can take care of anyone else." When I was being hit with M talk and emo breakdowns (I don't judge him for them I just couldn't do much for him) on a daily basis I couldn't breath or think straight. Now he has taken a step back and I can see.

I'm still all confused but the questions are becoming clearer. And once I can clearly see the questions/problems I have...the sooner I can deal with them.

As for my posts on other threads, thanks for your vote of confidence. I am always so worried about posting since I'm the odd man out on here, but I do what I can.

Doodi

PS>>>I just noticed your stats...they are almost exactly the same as mine, except your a little bit older than I am. Just thought I'd share that. I am absolutely random at times.