Thanks Nop, you are right, I think. I do need to stop needing and wanting her. The only way I can understand how to do this is to not be around her or pretend (God, this is going to kill me!) that she’s not a goddess.
Yesterday’s session got pretty tense a couple times but it felt good because I got some stuff off my chest and my wife revealed a couple of nuggets of info about her that could have helped me a decade ago.
What it has boiled down to is that I need to pay more attention to her world and develop a genuine interest and become a better conversationalist. I don’t know yet what I can expect in return but I’ve decided that unless she is able to develop a sincere and heartfelt desire, interest in me as a man, as a sexual being and respond with reasonably consistent amorous encounters, I will be done living in pain with her.
Her story is now that, actually, she really does want sex and romance, just not with me, or at least, I haven’t been enough of the type of person that she is attracted to.
Wish she would have just been honest with me years ago, instead of pretending that she was just not interested in sex period. I’m still not convinced that this is entirely true. It still seems like she also just plain has a low libido.
She still refuses to go to the doctor to have some tests, swearing that the problem has come from my lack of input and care. She still is in denial about the effects that her rocky childhood likely had on her perspective of sex and me. I’m hoping the therapist will pick up the ball for me here. The doc has been great as a mediator and she definitely believes it is insane not to be having intimate connection on a regular basis.
Another little side story is that she admits to having an emotional affair with a guy several years ago. Lovely. I didn’t make a big deal about it but it makes you stop and think.
The reality is that I don’t think she is capable of feeling much for me even if I put a ton of effort into getting interested in her world. Just the same, I will do it, if nothing else to become better friends with her and to learn how to be more sensitive for future relationships.
I must admit that I have an inner conviction that in some way it is kind of morally wrong that I should have to go to even more lengths to entice her into loving me. Somehow it just seems backwards, but it she will not budge until I accommodate her needs even more. If I get stubborn and tell her that she needs to be sexual with me before I change it absolutely will not happen. I’m not sure if I want to be with someone that is that selfish.
We haven’t even really started discussing my needs or pain yet. The therapist says we are just focussing on the “relationship stuff” right now, supposedly we’ll get to my interests later; just not sure that I have the stamina to last that long without the “encouragement” that I need. It’s getting to the point where I’m even losing some of my interest in her as a lover. Nopkins can probably understand me in this respect.
We’re living week to week now. Both of us know that it might not work but we’re trying.
