I went to my counselor yesterday (she is great by the way), I told her that I did some major soul searching on Monday night. I kept asking myself WHY I was so terrified of letting him go. I came to the realization that IF we do go our separate ways and we divorce I am terrified that I won't be able to love him anymore. I mean who loves their XH? Don't get me wrong, I know people who tolorate their X and "get along" for the kids, but who really loves thier X? After talking with my Counselor, I know that I don't have to be like anyone else. I can still love him and go on with my life. We can be friends - real friends - not just for the kids.
This has seemed to lift the pressure I have been carrying around my shoulders like a coat. I feel light - almost good. Don't get me wrong, I am still standing for my marriage! now I can do so without so much panic.
Right after my appt. with my counselor, my H sent me a text that said, "can I ask you something?"
I called and he started the conversation with "don't get mad or angry, I just have a question." first thought, great what now? I said "sure". He then asks me if I knew that someone called the OW's workplace and was telling them about what she has done. He knew it wasn't me, but wondered if I knew.
I told him that I had no idea what he was talking about. (I really don't). He siad that he didn't think that I did, but wanted to make sure. He just can't understand why everyone can't leave it alone - just stay out of it. I said,"I am telling you this, not as a jealous wife, but just as a fact. The two of you will ALWAYS have this in your relationship. ALWAYS. People will not let you forget and this will be a part of your relationship forever. She cheated on her husband and you cheated on your wife - this will always be there.
He didn't comment really - didn't get defensive or anything. We started talking about my counselor appt. I told him flat out what I had discovered internally about loving him. And he said that was good and that he will always love me. I am the mother of his children (I hate that line by the way). He has my initials tatooed on his ring finger as his wedding ring, and he said that he will NEVER have it removed.
I did tell him that our relationship would change - as time passes we wouldn't talk to each other like we do now. As other relationships happen and grow we would talk to each other less and less. He asked why. I said that its just the way it happens.
He seemed to not want to get off the phone with me - hesitation. but I ended the conversation.
Rollercoaster ride!
TAMF m:41 xh:41 T: 20 M: 15 D: 16 D: 14 Bomb dropped: 7/3/10 separated: 7/15/10 H moved in to new apt. with OW: 7/1/11 divorced: 8/26/12
