Thanks TH ! Those are my N.U.T.S speaking through you.
She says that she will get a job after this legal S is completed. She wants "options" so that she can get as much custody as possible and if she has a job, that will set a precedence that will limit how much custody she can get. That is precisely what she has said to me. She is trying to play it smart for herself.
If we split is all down the middle, she'd have about $500 to her name, not including 401k. If she went after that, she'd have enough to pay for this.
My fear is that if I tell her if she wants this she will have to pay for it herself, she'll say "you're not working with me" and then go get a L, get a temporary custody hearing, make me pay alimony and child support, and I'll turn into an every other weekend Dad. If we go through this legal S crap, she's said she's good with a 60%/40% split. She's said she doesn't want alimony. She seems amicable. Sticking it to her monetarily for this legal S could have consequences.
I'm not arguing here at all, I just want everyone to have all the facts so you can advise me. Is my fear a reasonable one? Or am I just being pulled in by her controlling behavior? Also, can I be held liable for her L fees when I've been the only contributor monetarily to this M in it's entirety? I've heard that before somewhere. If so, would that make it a moot point on this legal S and asking her to pay for it all? Thanks!
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
My fear is that if I tell her if she wants this she will have to pay for it herself, she'll say "you're not working with me" and then go get a L,
With what money? Protect yourself. Start putting your money in an account YOU control. Get new credit cards in your name only, pay off the old ones with the new ones, cancel the joint cards.
Protect yourself and your child. Listen up, buddy. She's trying to get you to pay for everything until she can find some other sucker. That's the only plan she could have that makes any sense at all. Cut her off. Stop enabling her.
She wants out. Let her go. Protect yourself and your child from her behavior.
Last edited by TimeHeals; 09/08/1003:45 PM.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
Ok I just did a little digging about my state. It seems that if I refused to pay for legal S, I will probably end up paying for it in the end anyways. It is because of my ability to pay, her ability to create income (she has zero work experience and no degree) and doing so could be construed as 'bad faith'. I'm kind of screwed here I think. Not necessarily, but it's a high probability.
Is it a good idea to go along with this to 'protect herself' under the conditions that I need her to have a job and source of income to help pay for this to protect myself? Otherwise I'm just getting screwed every way sideways. She's going to bankrupt us. Under those conditions is your advice any different?
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
You really should go talk to a lawyer. Usually they will do a free initial consultation, and you can get these questions answered as they apply in your state. A lot of states distinguish between short-term and long-term marriages, with a long-term marriage being one over 10 years. In those states, there might be little to no alimony for a short-term marriage, but lifetime alimony for a long-term marriage. So you have to know what your state does.
You really should go talk to a lawyer. Usually they will do a free initial consultation, and you can get these questions answered as they apply in your state. A lot of states distinguish between short-term and long-term marriages, with a long-term marriage being one over 10 years. In those states, there might be little to no alimony for a short-term marriage, but lifetime alimony for a long-term marriage. So you have to know what your state does.
I've done so. I was advised that it's a short-term and the norm is alimony for duration of half of the M in this state. So, about 2 years total, could range from $12k - $24k total.
But (and I know, don't believe!) she's said that she doesn't want to take me to the cleaners, that she wants me to be able to keep the house, and she knows how much money it would take for me to keep all this going. I think it would be more about me taking on more debt than paying alimony.
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
TH is right, dont concern yourself with how she can pay for this decision she has made. My first S I enabled, bought her a car, gave her some money, and it got me nowhere. You need to stop trying to answer questions that are futuristic, re read your posts, you ask for advice, its given and you pick and choose what advice is thrown out there. You tend to lean more towards the advice of what you want to hear, instead of what you need to hear and follow through with.
She says that she will get a job after this legal S is completed. She wants "options" so that she can get as much custody as possible and if she has a job, that will set a precedence that will limit how much custody she can get.
This is exactly why you should file for divorce and get yourself in the best shape possible, don’t make it easy for her. I really think your best chances of saving your marriage is by playing hard ball from reading your post its pretty clear that what your doing is not working so try something different. I do know that you don’t want to end up in second place. From my limited perspective its better to negotiate from stronger position which you have, now but you could lose very easily. Just my thoughts.
M40, W 37 M 11 1/2 y T 13 y D filed 5-18-10 S 5-29-10 OM1 discovered 6-5-10 Counter sued for d 6-16-10 OM2 discovered 8-10-10 OM3, OM4 4 kids 10, 7, & 3 D date 10-14-10 http://tiny.cc/mxzct
This is exactly why you should file for divorce and get yourself in the best shape possible, don’t make it easy for her.
One year mandatory separation before you can file in my state. My state has some of the most restrictive rules for D. Only two ways to file at fault, Adultery or Insane. L advised me I didn't have enough evidence to show a physical A. Otherwise it is one year S then you can file for no-fault.
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
I think for you the worst case scenario is that you save the marriage now and end up with a long-term marriage and divorce later with much higher alimony. I have no crystal ball and can't predict the future, but I think if you save the marriage, you will save a sex-starved marriage until you can't take it anymore.
