Have you read "The Four Agreements"? If not, I strongly suggest that you go buy it TODAY, read it TONIGHT.
One of the agreements is "Do not make assumptions". Ask questions to get clarification.
Use the mediator to get specifics.
It sounds to me that you are unclear on the agreement made, specifically when the new parenting schedule should start. Can you ask the mediator for clarification.
You may be able to use the Sunday night as leverage to get the start date this week...
Get clarification from mediator. Clarify your wants with mediator.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Confidence is attractive. Be attractive. Project confidence.
Confident that you will be OK taking care of your kids without her. Confident that other women find you attractive.
Happy is attractive. Be happy. Project happy.
Leading is attractive. Lead during this difficult time.
Understand your true responsibility to your kids...your relationship with the kids is the only thing that is important. Fighting for your right as a Dad is attractive.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Actually, I should probably rephrase this a bit. Shortly after our first court order was finalized, I complained to her about how much support I had to pay to her and her response was, "I can't help it, that's just what the court decided. They do this every day and they know what the arrangements should be."
She doesn't want to be responsible for any of this.
Dont be so naive. This is a business. People make good money off of divorces. They own McMansions, and sailboats, their kids drive to private schools in BMWs. To them this is a game. That is why some people are more successful than others. They always win. And win BIG.
Your attorney proved ineffective. They called your bluff on the "thing" and she balked. Its called tactics. Reread Cg's example of her husband kept "changing" his mind. Tactic called break the bank. Financially and mentally exhaust your opponent till they give into what you want.
Dirty tactics? Well.....Don't waste your breath complaining about it. It wont stop the next personal injury attorney from running for governer.
It hasn't crossed your mind that your wifes attorney told her to avoid any and all settlement talks with you completely. Act dumb. 'You are too emotionally involved to make the best descions for yourself and your children's future. I will get you the best settlement possible. I know how to play this game." Btw, how much does he have saved up in his retirement fund? Badger them too much for a settlement and its not unlikely you could be slapped with a restraining order for harrassment.
R2C. Is totally correct here. Reread that. Back to divorce busting. In lots of ways it's game also. A game you can win at...
Not to change the subject, but you made R2C's Quote list too!
Back to today's topic:
I'm glad you are getting your ducks in a row. I remember when you got plowed in the last legal action and I know you're going to kick assfrom here on out. I don't have any advice on that front but as always I'm learning from your thread. It seems like the right people are on it.
Good luck buddy.
ADAPT. OVERCOME. IMPROVISE. -Tom Highway
Me: 43 W: 40 S12 & S9 Married 17yrs Together 20yrs
R2C, I have read the four agreements, but it was a long time ago. I should reread it, but it is probably lost somewhere in the house I own that I am no longer welcome in. Maybe I'll get another copy.
I didn't think I was making an assumption. I thought W would want to do what the mediator suggested because "it is what is best for the kids", except in her mind. I talked to L today and we have to wait for the mediator's report and then W's attorney has to submit a proposal to us that we all have to sign. I won't sign it unless it stipulates that child support is to be based on equal shared placement. This may take a few weeks. I'm now debating scrapping the agreement and just going for actual equal shared placement. Then I will get CS equal shared placement too. F W.
Even if we get the CS settled, there is still alimony to worry about and that doesn't look pretty either. Hopefully the judge will help me out here. My atty said that since he is a dad himself, he tends to side with the dad's, slightly.
As long as I don't have to pay W more than $30k in CS and Alimony, I should be able to qualify for a refi and hopefully get her out of the house. That assumes that an appraisal comes in a bit higher than the estimate I just got. Not sure that is likely either. May just have to sell the place and start over. Unfortunately, there isn't likely to be enough proceeds to get a good mortgage on a nicer house. Will have to downgrade
substantially. Maybe I just continue to rent for a while and try to save some money for a down payment.
Found out tonight that the reason W was in bed so late on Sat AM is because she was out drinking all night in Lake Geneva since she didn't have the kids. Must have gotten that first ridiculous support check. She had sushi in the fridge today too. Must be nice to have all that money. I hate the b!tch. Gravy train will run out eventually.
Have the kids tonight, but they are in bed now. Had the old neighbors and their kids over for a cook-out. That was nice. I'm here for a week and have them for dinner. Was across the street for nearly 4 years and we never had them over for dinner. Nice.
Mentioned this on AG's thread, but I am going to Amsterdam in a couple of weeks and am thinking seriously about buying a sandwich there. It's been a long time.
I am getting discouraged about this situation and it is hard to project happy when everything is looking downhill for quite a while. I used to have sex on a regular basis and was very comfortable monetarily. Now I have neither. Life sucks.
Hi again Dan, First let me say I'm sorry you find yourself here. But it's a great community hey? I keep thinking it's time for me to leave but then keep checking for updates! So I'm not really sure where I'm at now. I'll do my best to answer your questions here so you don't have to plow through too much of my sitch if you don't want to! Sorry, this is a long answer. I do ramble a lot.
What was really going on? Well, I think I was as close to becoming a WAW as I'd ever want to get. We didn't fight a lot. There wasn't an affair. Just distance. Mind numbing, heart wrenching distance. I felt so alone - never in my life do I want to feel that alone again. It was paralyzing. Neither of us could communicate through conflict and essentially, we both had shut down. We just couldn't connect anymore. A lot of blaming one another, neglect, contempt, a TON of passive aggressive behavior, and no meaningful conversation to speak of. I knew something was wrong. He didn't. When I told him I felt disconnected, he thought I meant just the fact we hadn't barely had any sex for a couple years. So I got into therapy (with a psychologist, as I'd mentioned), but he refused to come, and still hasn't. I even told him a couple of times I was contemplating leaving, but it didn't make a difference - he still refused to come. So I decided to just keep going alone, and see if I could make enough changes in myself and how I interact with him, that it would help him change too; if we both could change, I figured we'd have a shot at it.
Do I feel differently now? Unbelievably yes. When I read what I just wrote it makes me shake my head. I still can't believe it. We're communicating more, I've worked past the resentments, we're occassionally having sex. It's slowly getting better. I've got a lot of hope now. Yes I'm still scared there will come a day when something snaps inside me and I make a run for it, but it hasn't happened yet. And I'm pretty sure that the more often we work through setbacks, the less likely it will be that will happen.
How did it happen that I came to feel differently? A lot of work, crying, anger, and talking - both serious R talks and connecting one. And understanding how what went on in both our childhoods affected how we both communicate today, and interact in an intimate relationship today. I guess the main thing was that I had to build my self-esteem back up so that I could speak up for myself when he was hurting me or I felt something was unfair. I also had to learn to ask for help and support when I needed it. And, I had to learn that I had the right and responsibility to speak up when I needed to. I think that was the biggest lesson. I'm still working on that.
So yes, my H and I are still together. Like I said, I still get scared. But gradually the good times are getting more frequent, the bad times less so and are more productive. Now that we're learning how to communicate through conflict, we're resolving what we can, rather than just ignoring the problems. I know there will be lots of stuff we have to just let be - things that can never be resolved just like they say in the books. But hopefully there will continue to be proportionately more good stuff that those issues can be just set aside. They won't matter and influence us so much.
I like your tag line. I wish my W would realize that. (Thank you!) It took a lot of work to empower myself enough to get to this point. I'm sorry I haven't read your sitch yet, but I pray your wife comes to that place too. Take care, FMV.
I am getting discouraged about this situation and it is hard to project happy when everything is looking downhill for quite a while. I used to have sex on a regular basis and was very comfortable monetarily. Now I have neither. Life sucks.
Ain't it the truth!?
We are supposed to go and make ourselves happy. Do things for us.
Sometimes, we have to look at the sitch and admit that it does suck. And boy, does it!
I guess allow yourself to let it sink in and then carry on with what you have been doing.(It looks to me like you have been doing very well-considering) We can't allow ourselves to wallow in the past. I have a tendency to do just that.
Accept things and make the best of things. So simple yet so hard.
