Been quite a while since I posted, I’ve been kind of treading water, trying to keep from swallowing too much water during the storm.
I REALLY need some help from you guys (Corri, are you there?)
Every week we have been going to the therapist and we both think the doc is great (woman). We have civil, intelligent discussions and both express our feelings. Afterwards the wife and I usually go have dinner or a drink to keep talking.
By the middle of dinner the discussion gets to the point of asking each other if we’re wanting to split, either temporarily or permanently. These “split?” talks are increasing to 2-3 week, at different times. I’ve been so close to saying “yeah, I need to get some space” so many times but for some reason I just can’t say it. I’m terrified of splitting and dying to get the hell away, at the same time.
I don’t feel like she’s trying much to see my perspective and she feels the same about me. We’re at some F$%#)(*@ing stalemate.
These seem to be her demands (not in any particular order):
1. call her at least once a day to chat for a minimum of 15 minutes without being in a hurry to get back to work--I’m self employed
2. develop a strong interest in her interests and work( --I have a hard time even understanding what she does)
3. get in lengthy philosophical/political discussions with her as often as possible (preferably every day)
4. do more housework, cleaning, repairs
5.provide more financial stability for the household (I provide 3 times what she brings in and have supported her in every endeavor she has tried, even when I was extremely skeptical and had to physically and financially help out a lot with some of her ideas){she’s in grad school}
6. Adopt her beliefs and values (relating to politics, religion[in this case, lack thereof], don’t disagree with her as much on these things. This is the one that really gets me because she says she has studied more, lived more experiences (she’s younger than me????) and analyzes the world from a more enlightenend perspective.
7. Be less chauvanistic, see that men have dominated women and other disenfranchised groups and strive to fight this in others.
Everyone else I know (including women) tells me that I’m one of the nicest, most patient, kind-hearted people that they know. Even my wife agrees on this! But it's not enough for her. They have told me that these issues she has with me are not well-founded nor worthy of withholding intimacy from me. She is not even sure if she will ever have feelings for me, even if I comply with all of her wants.
What do y’all think?
I’M SO CONFUSED, IN TURMOIL. I feel guilty thinking ”what if she’s right? what if it is all my fault: that I haven’t given her what she needed?”; at the same time thinking that this is insane and that she has something strange going on inside and that I need to let go of the guilt trip and move on with my life.
We are on the edge of separation. I want to get away from this pain of adoring a woman that has no feelings of romance for me, much less any sexual impulse. I also don’t want to hurt her and our kid by making a big mistake, but we are both in such agony over this.
