I don't send her money Coach. I took on the majority of our debt and kept the house. So she couldn't force me into bankruptcy, nor did I want her doing that to herself. I was trying my best to understand and respect the WAW. But that was the agreement when it all went down. I was feeling a lot of guilt back then. Overtime that guilt became actual remorse. But there is only so much remorse I can feel, before it gets in the way of my progress.
LIke I have seen many times before in the posts - I need to be a WAH now. She lives with her choices, I live with mine.
oh boy - round 2. Not sure if I should continue this conversation with her, If I am messing things up..or doing the right thing. OR if it is just time to get the Lawyer to step in. I am a little worried, is this communication we are having..something that may lead to something good?
Me:
I do not agree to the terms “flexible and here and there”. I want an answer with stability. I am not OK with a floating schedule, that more or less revolves around your work schedule or trips etc. The longer it goes on, the more it appears that I am OK with it.
If you are not willing, at this point, to allow me an extra day during the week with my sons. Then I want to know that this flexibility that you propose has time frames attached to it – ie: how much more time per month/week, and I want it consistent.
If you cannot not provide me with those details – I would like to have them an extra day each week. The weeks in which I do not have them for the weekend, I want them Wednesday and Thursday. The weeks in which I do have them over the weekend, I want to include Monday.
I do not feel that this is an unreasonable request, I am their father.
I expect a reply please. ------------- Her: (three days after my last email)
I am not avoiding this, I am having a very busy day and have not had time to think it through ------------- Me: Ok. Thanks for letting me know you are not avoiding. ------------- Me (again - when she still hadn't replied): You had Saturday, Sunday and yesterday to think about it as well – WAW.
I have them this weekend, so I will just be sticking to the arrangement I mentioned.
If you can think of a better arrangement between now or then, please let me know. --------- Her: Im not sure about this, in your last message you said you werent expecting any changes for now and were thinking in the future you may want more time with them, and then all of a sudden you have a new arrangement worked out? As for this weekend I don't think we should make any changes until we both agree. For now, you can keep them Sunday night and drop them off at daycare Monday morning and I will pick them up after work on monday. -------------------- Me: “all of a sudden you have a new arrangement worked out”
Sorry, but it was not all of a sudden. I proposed this idea to you, I didn’t not get a reply. So I told you I would move forward with it. ----------------------- Me: (again) I said I wasn’t expecting any changes now, as long as I had some new arrangement that would involve seeing the kids more – “now” (you weren’t getting back to me, and also seemed hesitant about altering anything). So I have let you know what I want to do, starting now. Like I said.. the longer this goes on the way it is now, with the schedule, the more it appears that I am OK with it. Which I am not.
The future arrangements I am referring to, was to let you know I intend on moving to something more on the lines of a split schedule. But I am not expecting that to happen immediately – I figured it could be gradual so everyone had some time to adjust.
If you are still confused or not sure about what I am saying. The bottom line is – I will not continue my life as a father with visitation to his sons. I do not feel I have to ask you “permission” to see them. And that is the way it is now. When you see fit, the opportunity arises…etc. May seem fine to you now, but there is a long road ahead. I am looking at the big picture. I think I am being clear with what I am telling you.
Just keeping them Sunday night is not sufficient.
Perhaps we can visit the split week option at some point? Would be easier for the kids and our personal life schedules. -------------------- Her:
you said you werent expecting any changes right now, you said in the future at some point, I need time to think about this, two days isn't enough, and for it to be in place right now isn't reasonable. I will pick them up monday from daycare --------------------- Me: I am not going to continue with this – if I don’t stick to telling you what my intentions are, it will get dragged on and on. That’s what I foresee at this point.
I have been clear.
I want a time frame in which you require to think about it. ------------------------ Her: give me a week at least please -------------------------- Me: Fine.
Just so you know, I didn’t just make this decision overnight. I have but a lot of thought into it, and have put a lot of effort into it – I have done my homework etc. It is not some rash decision type of thing..or anything else for that matter. I am their dad and this is what I want, period.
Hoping we can work this out. ---------------------- Her: just so I understand what you are asking for: you want them wednesdays and thursdays one week and friday, saturday, sunday the other week? So one week I would pick them up from daycare thursday after work and the next I would pick them up monday after work? ------------------------ Me: That is correct. If that doesn’t seem to work, then week on and off custody would be the next best solution. --------------------------- Her: I feel a little taken advantage of right now, when we separated we agreed that the terms we agreed on were satisfactory to both of us, including child care. I trusted that and didn't panic about getting a separation agreement. I have been flexible and accommodating as far as when you have asked to not have the kids on your scheduled days and also when you have asked to have them on days you aren't scheduled to have them. I have the kids best interest at heart and never want to keep them from seeing you, and I think I have proven that. This all of a sudden new arrangement you came up with has me a little scared, I have to admit. ---------------------------- Me: You walked out of the marriage for good. Your decision – how you feel about it is not something I will try and control, nor can I.
I am taking advantage of no one. I am looking out for my sons best interest and mine.
Yes, I did make some agreements at that time. You had time to think out your intentions and what you wanted the future to be like, I did not. I made decisions with hurt, hope, the boys and YOU in mind. Whether you choose to see to that way or not. I did not have time to settle, to think it through. I did not have time to see how I wanted MY life to be, nor did I choose to for quite some time. I think that is quite obvious, considering how I have been since then – always thinking US…and me, but in a way I shouldn’t have been. I have gone out to get help with my direction and support, and I am glad. It has brought clarity.
Once again, your dialogue of “being accommodating, flexible, letting me see them when I ask” That indicates control, you control how it works. That involves some trust, and long term trust at that, on my part. I am not willing to function that way, I have reasons not to. But mainly, because you are not my wife.
Being scared is your decision, I am not attempting to inflict any fear into anyone.
We make life choices, we live with them, that’s just how it is. ---------------------------
So, thats where it left of at this point.
I don't now if I have intiated a war, or have made her see that I am standing up for myself. I am independant.
