His anger is coming out at you. However he is not angry with you. He is angry with himself. I believe that there is no OW and that he is deep withing withdrawal stage. Everything is going normal, for MLC. He must go backwards into his tunnel to think and decide what he wants to do. This is one of the hardest times for the LBS because you think that you are on the way to reconciling but the MLC'er pulls back and all seems lost. Let me assure you that it is not. You must continue to give him space. Live your life as if he is not coming back. But you can have hope that he will.
You must not pressure him. All will be revealed at the proper time.
Have you read the reconnection threads and the withdrawal stage of MLC? It might help to go back and re-read some of that stuff as a refresher course. The crisis is not yet over but it is different.
Reassure your son that everything will be fine, I know the darkest time of the storm is the worst but it too will pass.
Lance... its just that he keeps asking me what I am thinking. I tell him and he tells me nothing. i dont know what it is he wants to hear. If I tell him I dont want him to push me away, he says he isnt. If I tell him he is acting a certain way, he says he isnt.
I tell him how I feel, but he wont tell me how he feels. I feel like he is wanting to hear something from me, BUT I DONT KNOW WHAT IT IS!!! It is soo frustrating to me!!!
I have read some of the reconnections threads, but will go back and read again.
Im trying not to pressure him. I dont push to talk, if he doesnt want to kiss me, I dont make him. If he wants to go take a bath and the door is open I knock anyway. When he asks what I am thinking...I try to tell him, but he gets mad. I would rather just not talk to him at all, because it seems whatever I say makes things worse.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
He knows that he is treating you poorly and he can't help that. He is looking for reassurance that you are still there, that he didn't make you mad and leave him.
Tell him everything will be OK and give him his space. If he wants you he will close the gap, when he is ready.
I truly understand how hard this is, hang in there.
I just got a text from him wanting to know why I have changed so much since March. Ok, that is when he moved back home.
Now I need to reflect on things.
Did I change when he came home? Did I not realize it? Or is he just wanting to make me the one to blame?
I can see some ways I could have changed, but not drastic changes. Maybe enough to make him wonder what was up with me???
Ugh, this all come from a communication problem with us!
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
Ask him for specifics. You can't possibly know what he is talking about without details. Don't make yourself crazy trying to figure it out. As you know all too well he will either tell you or not. If you ask and he explains then you have something to go on. If he doesn't you haven't really lost anything, have you?
Be careful about the speculating. There is only one person who really knows what he is thinking or doing or feeling and that is your H and he obviously isn't willing to let you in on it at the moment. We can play what if until the cows come home but that really gets us nowhere.
Take your space when you need it. It helps to clear your head and center you. Continue to live your life while doing no harm. You can do this. You have before. Keep your children close and love them up. {I know you already are. :-)}
Hang in there. Only you can determine when you have reached your enough is enough.
*hugs* ~ swl
Look not mournfully into the past. It comes not back again. Wisely improve the present. It is thine. Go forth to meet the shadowy future, without fear. {Henry Wadsworth Longfellow}
H did say that I have changed...that something just seems to be missing with us. All I could think is communication and trust.
He is now saying that he is nervous, scared and shaking. He is having an anxiety attack Im sure.
I dont understand why he wants me to open up and talk and when i do it seems that makes things worse. I cant trust him with my feelings at all.
Im upset that he wont go to counseling with me to help us. I dont understand that at all.
Im just at a loss today. Trying to keep it together somehow. I know I can. Im a pro at it by now!
He did tell me that he just wanted us both to be happy.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
well, I thought I would fill everyone in on the latest details.
I am planning on asking my H to leave. Im sure he is trying to figure out how to tell me he wants to leave, just being his usual chicken self! SO, Im going to step up and beat him to it.
WHy you may ask? Well, after standing by my man for almost 4 years now, waiting for him to "grow up", waiting for him to come to his senses and come home. Being the perfect wife and being so forgiving and accepting him back into my home, heart and my kids hearts, doing what SO many wives would never be able to do......
I have found out he is cheating on me. When I sat down last night to right out a log of everything that has happened, I dont know why I ever doubted myself. The excessive texting, and fbbooking, locking himself in the bathrooms, taking his phone everywhere, guarding it like a mother hen... going out on weekends and staying gone will 4 am. Getting angry and defensive when I ask who he is texting. Just basically his whole change in the way he has been acting the last month has put me on alert.
And now, last night....I found his bank statement. With a purchase for flowers on my birthday. See, I went out of town on my bday. I told him to find a sitter that night, and make plans with his buddies to do something. Well he made plans. AND I didnt get any flowers. See, thats what I do. He doesnt realize I can pick up the phone and call the owner of that shop and discuss this whole purchase. Just because its a couple of towns away doesnt mean I dont know the shop's owners.
It all just adds up now. I can not live like this anymore. My H has hurt me for the last time. He has let me and our kids down by choosing this lifestyle over a family. Over raising our children with both parents under the same roof. He has been trying his hardest to make me believe this is all my fault that things arent working out. THat there is just something missing.
Trust is missing. Thats all. Now I know. I will confront him with it. Just not sure how or when. It doesnt even hurt anymore. Im not upset. Its something I think I have expected and Now I just have the proof I need.
Im sorry guys, but standing for my marriage isnt working for me as long as my H continues to act this way. His family is the last thing on his mind. Maybe I just had to go through all of this to realize it. I think If I had it to do all over again, I would. Ive learned alot about me and how much strength and patience I do have.
swl~ I guess its finally come to "enough is enough".
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
I'm so sorry it has come to this and you are feeling the way you feel. We all get there at one point or another. I admire you for having the courage to stand as long as you have.
Is this his first A, or a long standing one? Although I guess in the long run it doesn't hurt less either way. If he has remained in the home this entire time this has been happening, certainly you need the distance required to detach from the situation. For YOUR sake, not his. I wish I had some magic words to make it all better, but then, none of us would be here, would we? If you are truly as detached as you sound, hold onto that, you'r gonna need it.
Thanks Punkin. No, this isnt his first affair. There were others in the first 10 years we were married. He admitted to one, but I know from evidence there were others, he would never admit to the one I had proof to. He had an OW when he left 4 years ago. It kinda went like this is going now. I know it isnt the same OW from before. This is someone I dont know. It doesnt matter anymore though. I dont even know if she is in a R with him now or if it was just a brief thing a month ago. I mean, two weeks before this flower purchase, we were sitting in court having CS stopped! I dont understand why he would go through all that to just do this again.
Yes, I think I am detached. I stood for as long as I could, hoping everything I thought about him cheating was just my imagination, but now that its all coming to light, its easier somehow. I cant explain it, but its a relief to know. To know I werent crazy. I think of all the times he has made me believe him. I think about the times he lied to the OW before and how it was so easy for him. I should have known then that this was his character and who he was...but I just didnt want to believe it then.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
I too am so sorry. I have been following your sitch off and on. I was so hopeful for you but I also had the a suspicion that your H still hadn't resolved all of his issues...IMO, he most likely needs to spend time alone to figure himself out but he can't seem to do that. It is like he is addicted to the hunt and chase possible because he can't handle the intimacy of a real relationship.
I wish you much peace and strength in what ever you do.
