thank you all for your concern and encouragement; we'll just have to see where life is going to take us.
I have a question, based on my therapist’s conclusion:
-Do you think that having sex before 18 yrs of age could freeze one’s sexuality from developing and cause one to eventually become LD?
-Has anyone recognized this in themselves?
-How did you get over it?
My therapist spoke with my wife and thought that this might be part of her issues with me. It seems to me that it shouldn’t have had that powerful of an effect on her. She says that since the early sex was with me, that is, that we had a love connection and got married later, that negatively affected her sexual development.
Well, one thing is certain, I can’t change the past. I appologized to her for having sex with her when we were so young at the beginning of our relationship 15 yrs ago. ‘bout time to move on, no?
Sorry for the short comment, but I think another therapist is in order.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Quote: having sex before 18 yrs of age could freeze one’s sexuality from developing and cause one to eventually become LD
AM, I've never heard this theory before, and I've done a lot of reading on this issue, trying to figure out why my W is LD. I agree with those who have said that it's time for a new therapist. This one is whacko.
If you had sex sex before you are mentally ready and there were negative aspects to it, IE: rape, incest, guilt, then I would agree that it could result in later LD behaviors. But since it was with you and you later married, I question the validity of the therapists claim.
Is there something in her background other than having sex with you at a young age that may have caused the therapist to make this "diagnosis?" Sound like fishing for answers to me.
Ditto what Johanna said, but I'd like to specifically add that if you have a background that tells you that sex before 18 (or marriage) is wrong, and you feel guilty or shamed about it, that could probably make sex later in life more of an issue.
I say this because I think - *think* - it was at least part of our situation, though it was more the desire to smother those feelings and feeling bad for giving in and setting boundaries lower than we should have that created some strain.
Other than that, or other sexual trauma... No, I can't see where it would be a problem. *shrugs*
I am turning in revolution
these are the scars that silence carved
on me
After seeing everyone's comments I realize I should have made something clear.
My wife and I had sex when she was quite young (she was 16 and I was 19--you see the problem) and while I didn't force her, per se, I was very "encouraging" and somewhat insistent, being the stupid horny guy in love, over a period of 4 months until she seemed to be as interested as I was.
What I didn't realize at the time was that the difference in our ages WAS truly a significant difference in development and preparedness for launching into sexuality. We really were in love with each other and I thought that sex was a natural next step.
In spite of her apparent interest at that point, I recognize now that it was foolish to expect her to be at the same stage of development that I was at. She simply was too young. My wife recognized this a couple years after getting married and brought it to my attention that she had felt taken advantage of and was resentful now. I appologized profusely and sincerely and resolved to prove that she was safe with me and that I would be a great husband.
What the doc is saying is that her deciding to have sex before she was ready was a huge mistake that likely has been one of the biggest contributors to her frozen sex drive.
I don't quite understand how her being in love with me made the situation worse but the doc described it as a misunderstood condition that seems paradoxical. No wonder I've been so confused!
Anyway, there you have it folks...I'm the A-hole at fault here and there's nothing I can do about it, unless I figure out how to build a time machine. I'm sorry but I still think that there's a time to forgive and let it go.
What the hell to do now? I'm still so resentful of all the pain that she has caused me that I don't think I can go on much longer with her, even knowing that I contributed to her hatred of sex. At this point, I'm so much more aware that we are such different people, even putting aside all the sexual differences, that if we met each other right now we would never be more than just friends.
Damn, I think I need a horse trough to go puke in now....
Quit beating yourself up. I still say your therapist is pulling things out of thin air. I was also 16 when I first had sex and my BF was 20. (Almost 21) There might have been some difference here in that we had been together for six months before he really pressed for more, but it sure didn't stop my sexual development, or make me LD.
I seriously think your counselor is off base here! Please don't assume guilt that isn't deserved.
Okay, guy, knock it off. You don't get to feel guilty about this one anymore, for a plethora of reasons, but the biggest being, there isn't a darn thing you can do about it now, and feeling guilty for it perpetually isn't going to help, either.
What IS going to help is that you stay compassionate. So this may be what your shrink and your W thinks has made her LD. Well, great. I personally think we are born they way we are born, and you either come out LD or HD, and we just use the events in our lives to justify how we are... but -- I digress.
So let's just say for a moment that YOU made your wife LD. That still does not change the fact that your W has a demon to face, regardless of who caused it. I'm sure she has 'forgiven' you for it long ago. What she has not addressed, and this is where compassion and patience comes in, is HOW she is going to deal with it. She can either keep the demon and lose her marrige, or she can face the demon and do her best to find middle ground with you. AND THAT IS F#$CKING HARD.
If she is just now waking up to the fact that there is a serious, serious problem in your relationship... which you have known for YEARS, then give her some time to catch up with you and soak that in. If you don't want to do that, or you can't do that, I don't think anyone here would blame you.
But guy, you have just recently gotten her to admit that there IS a problem. She's going to the shrink, right? Whether everything on the planet is YOUR fault (which I cannot fathom), she is NOW faced with either working to FIX it, or getting out. If she wants to continue to blame you, it isn't going to save her marriage. If she wants to save her marriage, she's got to get over it. You certainly can be compassionate, supportive, understanding, but that does NOT mean you take the whip for the rest of your life. This is where the boundaries thing comes into play again.
You are making progress, AM, and you are certainly NOT an A-hole, and even if you were, *I* still like you, and that should count for something. Are we clear now?
