It is not about being constructive or destructive. It is just a simple fact. I firmly believe in breaking things down into their simplest form.
In this case, you say that sexual incompatibility is the force destroying the marriage, and I agree. However, simplify it down one more step, where did this sexual incompatibiity come from?? The answer is, the spouse who has become LD for whatever reason.
It really bothers me when the HD spouse is made to take the lion's share of the responsibility for these situations. That said, there should still be no blame here, just hard work toward a resolution.
We all know that lots of times it takes two to tango, but who really cares. We spend to much time worrying about "not being at fault," or finding out "who to blame" and not nearly enough time defining the problem for what it is and working directly at a solution. LDrs are notorious for being defensive and trying to deflect responsibility, when instead, they should just accept that the situation exists without guilt, and take steps to remedy it.
I'll use the same analogy I used on another thread: If I walk up and punch you in the nose for no reason other than "I just wanted to," is that in any way your "fault"? Can you be blamed for having a nose? For existing there at that time? Am I, as the individual assaulting your nose, not SOLELY to blame for your injury and pain? Of couse I am!
I see this happen all the time in these boards and it really bothers me. You are saying that it is partially your own fault that I walked up and punched you in the nose. I am saying that fault does not matter and HD spouses are wasting far too much time trying to take on more responsibility, or "blame," than they should and they are beating themselves up about it.
If the HD spouse is contributing to the sexual incompatibility then it is the LD spouse's job to inform the HD spouse. You can't fix something that you don't know is broken. If the LD spouse does not communicate or if the HD spouse does not act on the LDr's communication, then we have a different situation entirely.
It is a far better solution to dig up a weed by the roots than it is to shoot the gardener.
