Learned optimism. When those thoughts of rage and wrath pop into your head, think of something that brings happy feelings to mind. Or listen to that song "I'll pray for you."
Learned optimism. When those thoughts of rage and wrath pop into your head, think of something that brings happy feelings to mind. Or listen to that song "I'll pray for you."
I don't know if I'll make much sense trying to put this into words, but I've learned that I have to do things based on "will" instead of emotion. I may not "feel" like I've been forgiven, but based on what I've been told...I have, so with that in mind...whenever guilt trys to overcome me then I tell myself that I have been forgiven and I will act like one who is forgiven.
In your case, you would tell yourself that you may not "feel" like you've dropped the rope but you will act as if you have. You opperate out of your "will" and not out of "feeling".
That's not to say you never allow yourself to feel anything again, but until all of this has passed, maybe it would help you to stop opperating out of your negative emotions and do what you "should" do. Act "as if" you've dropped that rope!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, Very well put and makes sense. It's kinda like getting up for work, sure feel like sleeping in, but you WILL yourself to get up because you should.
Your advice actually touched on more than the "drop the rope" analogy. I'm a horrible procrastinator and I always find myself sitting around waiting for the "Feeling" to take action or even for it to subside, and I find when I force (will) myself to deal with something it actually helps my attitude a lot. It's actually a NMMNG symptom that I've been very aware of since reading and I make an effort everyday on something.
When slipping into my negativity, I sometimes post here, but most of the time I just pray for self control and wisdom. It helps. It's pretty fresh still, but I know as days go on it will get much easier.
I will definitely tape your post to my Memory and apply it.
Think about some possible things she could say or do in the next few days.....and be prepared. Catching you off guard is how she'll trip you up.
Okay here she is...
She texted me.
"Just wanted to talk to ya about monetary issues. I need to start paying rent and will not be able to help out as much on the house. So I don't know where you are at financially yourself. If you might have considered putting the house on the market sooner, and getting the baths fixed up a bit or you just keeping it all together yourself and getting a roommate maybe. Just throwing ideas out there that's all and wanted to give you a heads up. That's why I was calling."
We have a joint account, she knows where I'm/we are at
Almost everything is jointly owned.
We both need to pay down debt.
We can't afford to fix up bathrooms. Maybe she can with her boyfriend, but then why does she have to pay rent?
I can't afford house by myself. Roommate option is possible, but not yet.
She's not taking into consideration the dogs at all.
Hmmmm...interesting approach and she's definitely being coached. Not going to respond, but what's your take?
Should I ask her how much for her rent and just plan around it?
First of all, who calls at that time of morning to discuss rent/house money? Secondly, I am so proud of you for ignoring her and not sending a TM or worse...calling her back. You've just begun.
You do not respond. You're dark. If she catches you somewhere and confronts you, you tell her you've been thinking what would be best. But here's the thing...you need to get all credit cards without your name on hers or her name on yours! You need to start a private bank account that she can't touch. This is protecting yourself. Don't think for a second she wouldn't wipe you out.
If she contributes to the joint accounts, then figure up what's hers and leave it. Do what you think is fair/right. As a former WAW, I think it would be a huge mistake to support her with anything. The more she can get from you or the more you pay what once was her part.....then the less likely she'll come back. Let her turn to lover-boy for her needs....and see how long the romance lasts then.
Stay off the TM & emails. I know you can withstand the temptation. Just ask yourself what or how would you handle it if she was deceased. Couldn't call her then, could ya?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Maybe she can with her boyfriend, but then why does she have to pay rent?
Her problem....not yours.
Quote:
She's not taking into consideration the dogs at all.
If she could replace her own H with OM, do you think she gives a rat's a$$ about a couple of pets? Please stop thinking of these dogs as children between you. Nobody is more tender-hearted toward dogs than I am, but the reason I keep bringing this subject up is b/c the pets have become a stumbling block in the road. You have bigger things to worry about.
Keep a personal journal or calendar and mark the date she last walked the dogs or even checked on them. Don't sweat the small things or you won't be able to hold your head above water. You love the pets, so take care of them. If it becomes too big of a burden then adopt them out to a good home. You just have to stay focused right now.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Should I ask her how much for her rent and just plan around it?
No. You should split up your accounts so she doesn't have access to the marital monies, and she can pay for her own rent without you helping.
Dropping the rope means dropping the rope. Drop it and go dark, Buddy. You have to get past the angry stage. Going dark is for that, but you can't go dark until you disentangle your finances a bit and protect yourself. You are protecting yourself because that is always the right thing to do.
Last edited by TimeHeals; 09/08/1012:18 PM.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
