Geeze, Corri, that was some GREAT advice. Listen to her, AM. She knows of what she speaks. I liked the "you're not giving up, you've just stopped doing her work" idea, tied with the "boundaries" theme. And the idea that it's not the fact that AM has lots of babes who would appreciate him (of course you do, AM, you're a HSM!), it's that he is worthy and deserving of appreciation.
These are lessons all of us, male and female alike, need to take to heart. Thanks for putting them into words, Corri.
Just thought I’d give a little update as the new year starts revving up.
This is likely to be the year of big changes for many of us; I know it will be for me.
Well, the wife and I are still living together but the holidays took some of the “love filters” off my eyes. I am still physically attracted to her but much less than before. The more time I spend with her the more I realize that there are a lot more issues than just her indefinite moratorium on sex. When you are in love with someone many of their minor deficiencies or irritations are standable but when love fades then you see their issues for what they are; in fact, they are often augmented out of proportion (i.e. that soup slurpping sound used to be funny and joke material, now sends you into a neurotic tailspin).
I have been seeing a sex therapist, which has been very helpful to get a clear headed person's professional perspective. It has been grounding for me and reassuring to know that a strong sex drive is not something to feel guilty about or to repress. I'm done beating myself up about it.
My wife’s lack of interest in our sexual relationship is simply the barometer of her level of selfishness towards me. I can not stand being around her anymore. I can’t look at her with those lovey dovey romantic eyes anymore; continual dousing of the flame has finally caused it to smolder away. I feel so different than just a month ago. I feel better about myself as a person: more self confident, more willing to take risks to move ahead in my life. This has helped me see the situation for what it is.
She agreed to have a talk with my shrink about the situation but hasn’t done anything yet. I know that she has too far to go to get healthier anytime soon. My only hope for her is that she gets better for herself and for the next guy that she lets into her life (if there ever is one). Realistically, it is over for us because it has gone too long and we are really just too far apart and too different from each other.
What form and time frame the separation will take, I don’t know at this point but I know it is only a matter of time. She was right, a day did come when I wouldn’t be able to take it any longer and I would want to leave; I couldn’t believe that I would ever give up hope for so many foolish years. Maybe she will be able to grow up if she is alone for a while. I honestly want the best for her, I’m not into revenge or anything, I just know that us together is doing way more damage than good to us as individuals at this point. What is important now is to begin the careful process of deconstruction, so as to inflict as little damage as possible to all.
I must admit I am scared to actually come out and say “That’s enough. No more. We need to split up.” I suppose that when it comes out it will be the right time.
Do y’all think I’m missing something or jumping the gun? I just can’t keep going on with no progress. We haven’t touched each other intimately in 4-5 months and I have been given an absolute “restraining order” to stay away from suggestive touching or comments. Part of me doesn’t even want to have sex with her now. It wouldn’t feel right anymore. It would be like a one night stand with someone that you’re supposed to have lifelong passion with. Too weird, but then again, knowing myself I probably wouldn’t say no if she offered.
Damn folks! This is insane. My new book: Living and Loving in Fear: Pitfalls of a Sex-Starved Marriage. Seriously, why are so many married sex lives FUXXED up?
Is anybody out there getting anywhere with their horniless spouses?
Thanks for the update. Have wondered how you have been doing since you are not as regular as you were.
I'm not doing any better with my ND H. He filed for D last week citing extreme mental cruelty. He wants the house...
I don't think that you are jumping the gun, but instead, facing a sad reality that many of us put off for a long time. Our spouses for some reason cannot share themselves with us in any capacity, and is causes us great anguish and pain that we cannot resolve, because they do not want or need us like we need them.
I am also scared what my future holds, but I know that I WILL be okay, just not right now. Great love takes great sacrifice. Obviously, our spouses can't make any sacrifices for us, but expect us to for them. I do not think that this is a mature or healthy attitude to have.
AM, do what you feel that you have to. You as well as bunches of others around here have tried and in the end, the results are the same, bitter dissapointment and heartache. I commend those that have made progress, but they are few and far between on the boards.
I'll check back from time to time. Take care of yourself
Hey AM, I guess you haven't been around because of constipation? Johanna said something about you being irregular. Ba-dum-crash. Sorry to hear about the painfully slow rending apart of your marriage. That really sucks... You know, you said that the right time will come for you to say "It's time to split up." Just be careful that when you say it, it's not out of anger...that it's out of thoughtful and careful kindness. And of course, part of that thought and care should be the plan for divvying up the assets, etc. I can't remember if there are kids involved, but that's always a "bit of a complication." I love my wife, but, if there wasn't a kid involved, I'd have been gone a while ago. She's just not able (or willing, or desirous) of showing love to me in the way I need to be shown love. I know you know what I mean.
As for seeing a sex therapist...man, you could have saved the money. I'll tell you that you shouldn't feel guilty about having a sex drive. As for calling it a "strong" sex drive, who's to say how strong? Perhaps it's just NORMAL. And, I shudder to say this...HEALTHY. W may say that it's not healthy, since it's breaking up your marriage, but we know that's not what's breaking it up. The sexual incompatibility of both of you is, at least in part, what's breaking you up. You share in that. She's not willing, desirous or perhaps able to meet you half way, and you're tired of being the one who makes all the compromise. AM, I know you will come out of 2004 a better man. You came out of 2003 a better man than you came in to it. Damn, you'll be almost perfect in a few more years. Then you'll be impossible to live with.
1. LD spouses can really make you feel like there is something wrong with having a sex drive. Make sure you understand that as long as your drive is not effecting your work, causing you to make bad decisions, endangering your health, or destroying your relationships, then it is HEALTHY AND NORMAL!!! Remember that it is not your "high" sex drive that is destroying your marriage. It is your spouse's lack of drive.
2. I'd be careful thinking that your leaving has prompted the spouse to "change their ways." The one time I left my wife she begged and pleaded and cried and promised to put more importance on our sexual relationship and we had awesome sex for the next week following my return....after that it was same ol' sh&t on a different day.
I have to second the reply from good ol' Meatpup. Leaving did NOTHING but force the D faster. My kids are grown, so I don't have that to worry about. He!! Meat, at least you got some when you got back. My H never begged or pleaded for me to return, or promise to be intimate to get me to come home. I am in the house because of advice from my lawyer. It's so much fun right now.... 13 months and STILL counting.
Having a ND H has made me feel as if I have lost many things that are important such as self worth and self love. I have spent hours agonizing over this decision, but esentially I have not made the decision, it has been forced on me.
AM and others, take care of yourselves because sometimes, that's all you have.
Quote: Remember that it is not your "high" sex drive that is destroying your marriage. It is your spouse's lack of drive.
I have to take issue with this statement. This way of thinking is not constructive. It's the old "I'm right, but I'm still miserable" thinking mentioned in SSM. Okay, so we're HD and they are LD. What's destroying the marriage is the disparity, the sexual incompatibility.
There was another post on this board yesterday where the poster described himself as "HD, or, more like Normal Drive." (I'm paraphrasing). So this guy thinks his LD wife is abnormal. Maybe we all think/thought that way. It's not helpful. I'm sure a lot of the LDs think they're normal and we're abnormal. One thing I've tried to learn about all this is: it's all relative. Relative to my W, I am HD. Relative to an 18-year-old guy in a co-ed dorm, I'm LD. My wife is LD relative to me. Relative to some of her aunts, she is HD.
You get my point? If we're going to critical, let's be critical in a constructive way. If we're the ones who always seem to be making the compromises, and they aren't, let's address non-judgmental ways to address that and make them aware of it.
It is not about being constructive or destructive. It is just a simple fact. I firmly believe in breaking things down into their simplest form.
In this case, you say that sexual incompatibility is the force destroying the marriage, and I agree. However, simplify it down one more step, where did this sexual incompatibiity come from?? The answer is, the spouse who has become LD for whatever reason.
It really bothers me when the HD spouse is made to take the lion's share of the responsibility for these situations. That said, there should still be no blame here, just hard work toward a resolution.
We all know that lots of times it takes two to tango, but who really cares. We spend to much time worrying about "not being at fault," or finding out "who to blame" and not nearly enough time defining the problem for what it is and working directly at a solution. LDrs are notorious for being defensive and trying to deflect responsibility, when instead, they should just accept that the situation exists without guilt, and take steps to remedy it.
I'll use the same analogy I used on another thread: If I walk up and punch you in the nose for no reason other than "I just wanted to," is that in any way your "fault"? Can you be blamed for having a nose? For existing there at that time? Am I, as the individual assaulting your nose, not SOLELY to blame for your injury and pain? Of couse I am!
I see this happen all the time in these boards and it really bothers me. You are saying that it is partially your own fault that I walked up and punched you in the nose. I am saying that fault does not matter and HD spouses are wasting far too much time trying to take on more responsibility, or "blame," than they should and they are beating themselves up about it.
If the HD spouse is contributing to the sexual incompatibility then it is the LD spouse's job to inform the HD spouse. You can't fix something that you don't know is broken. If the LD spouse does not communicate or if the HD spouse does not act on the LDr's communication, then we have a different situation entirely.
It is a far better solution to dig up a weed by the roots than it is to shoot the gardener.
That is it exactly! It has absolutely nothing to do with being right or wrong, that is what blame and fault are all about. The ONLY concern is locating the source (not necessarily a person) of the problem and constructively and actively resolving it.
