Just thought I’d give a little update as the new year starts revving up.
This is likely to be the year of big changes for many of us; I know it will be for me.
Well, the wife and I are still living together but the holidays took some of the “love filters” off my eyes. I am still physically attracted to her but much less than before. The more time I spend with her the more I realize that there are a lot more issues than just her indefinite moratorium on sex. When you are in love with someone many of their minor deficiencies or irritations are standable but when love fades then you see their issues for what they are; in fact, they are often augmented out of proportion (i.e. that soup slurpping sound used to be funny and joke material, now sends you into a neurotic tailspin).
I have been seeing a sex therapist, which has been very helpful to get a clear headed person's professional perspective. It has been grounding for me and reassuring to know that a strong sex drive is not something to feel guilty about or to repress. I'm done beating myself up about it.
My wife’s lack of interest in our sexual relationship is simply the barometer of her level of selfishness towards me. I can not stand being around her anymore. I can’t look at her with those lovey dovey romantic eyes anymore; continual dousing of the flame has finally caused it to smolder away. I feel so different than just a month ago. I feel better about myself as a person: more self confident, more willing to take risks to move ahead in my life. This has helped me see the situation for what it is.
She agreed to have a talk with my shrink about the situation but hasn’t done anything yet. I know that she has too far to go to get healthier anytime soon. My only hope for her is that she gets better for herself and for the next guy that she lets into her life (if there ever is one). Realistically, it is over for us because it has gone too long and we are really just too far apart and too different from each other.
What form and time frame the separation will take, I don’t know at this point but I know it is only a matter of time. She was right, a day did come when I wouldn’t be able to take it any longer and I would want to leave; I couldn’t believe that I would ever give up hope for so many foolish years. Maybe she will be able to grow up if she is alone for a while. I honestly want the best for her, I’m not into revenge or anything, I just know that us together is doing way more damage than good to us as individuals at this point. What is important now is to begin the careful process of deconstruction, so as to inflict as little damage as possible to all.
I must admit I am scared to actually come out and say “That’s enough. No more. We need to split up.” I suppose that when it comes out it will be the right time.
Do y’all think I’m missing something or jumping the gun? I just can’t keep going on with no progress. We haven’t touched each other intimately in 4-5 months and I have been given an absolute “restraining order” to stay away from suggestive touching or comments. Part of me doesn’t even want to have sex with her now. It wouldn’t feel right anymore. It would be like a one night stand with someone that you’re supposed to have lifelong passion with. Too weird, but then again, knowing myself I probably wouldn’t say no if she offered.
Damn folks! This is insane. My new book: Living and Loving in Fear: Pitfalls of a Sex-Starved Marriage. Seriously, why are so many married sex lives FUXXED up?
Is anybody out there getting anywhere with their horniless spouses?
