Not sure where to start or end, WAW - #2

[john28]

I called my W tonight and talked with her about today. I told her that I was thankful she was there to help me today, and I really appreciated it (I've done the same for her on Monday). I told her I was sorry she had to see me like that, but it wasn't me - something else had taken over my body and I really couldn't control anything.

She said no problem, that she's freaked out this week too. She thought that in some way it was expected, and it was somewhat healthy, otherwise all of this would mean nothing at all.

She really did come through for me today. She can be loving and caring when she wants to.

Retrouvaille is still on in 3 days. But she's made it crystal clear to me there is nothing I can say or do anytime soon to change her mind about going down the road of a legal S and possibly D. I don't know if Retrouvaille is good with her having that state of mind going in... I feel like it can't hurt, but maybe if we waited to a later date when things might be more amicable or good we could go then and it would have more of an impact than now - especially if she walks in there with this WALL of "under no circumstances will I come home." It might be pointless.

[dsh4320]

go in with an open mind, but your expectations still outweigh your hope, by a long shot. John I am sorry things went down like they did today, but you have been taging along like everything will work out the way you want it too. Your patience is not even close to where it needs to be, and I feel that is why what happened today happened. You react to every, omve, word or emotion that comes from your W, and that is so unhealthy. Do I try and read into my W/ sure I do, but I have gotten to the LBS's need to see it first. This is REAL john, when you understand that, maybe you will cahnge to doing things that work, when you do, she makes comments to you about cold "john" well you need to stick to that. Your not being cold, you need to understand that, you are just protecting yourself. Stop letting her dictate who you are and what you feel.

I have noticed when she tells you how you are acting, you change yourself to act the way she wants you to. What does that tell you?

[Lotus]

John,

What your wife did for you today was the same as what you did for her last week. On this score you are even. Both of you shined through when the going got tough and you needed to take care of each other. That is more important than the words "I love you".

Please stop worrying about Retrouvaille. What will be, will be. You will not control it and she will not control it and it will be alright. The reason I volunteer for the local Retrouvaille is to go there on Friday night, when the couples are arriving, and just smile at them, and tell them it will be alright. Everyone is frightened going in --- everyone. But it is not difficult. You will not have a spotlight shined on you, and you will not be interrogated. It will be a comfortable and warm and loving environment. It is a safe environment.

Your wife sounds like a nice person. She may not be sure of what she wants in life, but I don't believe she is trying to hurt you.

[Lotus]

Another thought. Maybe it's coincidence, but each time you do something that hints of sex she gets more resolute about the mediation and separation. I think she is more anti-sex than she is anti-John. Maybe to you they are they same. It seemed that she was comfortable when the relationship moved back to simple dating, but the second you showed interest in more you figuratively got your hand slapped.

[Doodi]

John,

I'm so sorry that life hit you so hard and in front of her. I'm not surprised that she helped you...she does care.

But she's made it crystal clear to me there is nothing I can say or do anytime soon to change her mind about going down the road of a legal S and possibly D.

I have to say that you really need to accept that you truly CAN'T do anything to change her mind. You CAN'T control anything when it comes to her. It's not her making it clear...it's just the facts. It may be in your heart to fix this and that things you can do will change her path. If you go at your life with the sole purpose to 'change her mind' then this will never work. You have to do things for you and you only.

Be You. Control You. Focus on You. Good things will come to you...not because of her but in spite of her.

And whatever else, good or bad, happens you will have to deal with as it comes.

Smooches,
Doodi

[soleil]

Retrouvaille is still on in 3 days. But she's made it crystal clear to me there is nothing I can say or do anytime soon to change her mind about going down the road of a legal S and possibly D.

Go in with 0 expectations. And I would not be a clinger either. She clearly is set on a S and you begging her is not the answer, John.

[john28]

Well I just heard from her that she wants to take her own car to Retrouvaille so she can leave if she wants to and I won't interfere. It's about 4 hours away from here and I just told her that I'd give her my keys and she could have them and if she really wanted to leave she could and I'd just fly home or something.

She said she is going into this open, but now she claims that I "bullied" her into going and she has a hard time being open about something she was bullied into going to. Ugh.

[john28]

Retrouvaille is still on in 3 days. But she's made it crystal clear to me there is nothing I can say or do anytime soon to change her mind about going down the road of a legal S and possibly D.

Go in with 0 expectations. And I would not be a clinger either. She clearly is set on a S and you begging her is not the answer, John.

Duly noted. I am really starting to see this zero expectation thing after hitting rock bottom yesterday. It seems much easier to have no expectations.

[john28]

I've been thinking about this, because I'm really trying to understand and listen to my W. Sometimes I have to write out what she says and read it 100 times.

She never mentions D. She never says the word, ever. She calls our situation right now "We're having a tough time in our marriage and we're taking some time apart." Her stance right now, what she says is:

"We can not live together right now. I need a legal S so that I'm protected, because I don't trust you. We need some time apart to work on ourselves. I just can not live in our home right now because it is broken. I just can not move back in right now because it is not a good place for me or you. You know all the reasons I can't be in this M right now. I see the changes you are trying to make, but I do not trust you. I have to be able to trust you again. Our entire M has been like this, and I can not trust it will change, so I have to go on what I have been given up until this point. In the 4.5 years we've been married I've done everything you asked, and now I need to do this for me. I love you, but I can't be with you right now or anytime soon."

I feel like she is not closing the door completely when she talks to me and tells me these things. I feel like it is not an effort to play me and she is sincere.

[TimeHeals]

"We're having a tough time in our marriage and we're taking some time apart."

What part of "don't believe anything they say" has you pouring over what she says 100 times?

I can't be with you

This is the only part I believe. Only you have to change the wording to:

I don't want to be with you

Hi, my name is john28, and I have codpendency issues. I cannot lovingly detach for the life of me. Everybody tells me to take the focus off of my wife (she will do what she will do) and put the focus on myself and my child and just be happy and healthy no matter what happens, but I won't do it.